Book Review of "Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood" by Leslie Lafayette

Book Review of "Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood" by Leslie Lafayette

This book, although published in 1995, is still full of good information and is actually written in a positive enough tone that one could recommend it to anyone interested in learning about the Childfree (CF... or as we like to call it: IOD) lifestyle. The author is the founder of The Childfree Network (for which I can't actually find a webpage...).

Lafayette pretty much covers everything, including then-relevant-information on how to form and maintain a childfree group, including troubleshooting issues. Finding such an environment in 2012 is considerably easier since one can turn to the internet for nearly everything.

In the interest of NOT putting the author's text online, I won't list out the items on the chapters she creates, but tell you what chapters are (table of contents) and what I thought.

PART ONE: EXPLORING THE ISSUES
Chapter 1: Living Childfree Isn't For Sissies -  The author mentions how people will butt into a person's personal life with questions and assumptions. The author points out that if you are so worried what people think, you probably aren't going to have an easy time being a parent either, because everyone has an opinion about what you do with your kids too.

Chapter 2: Why Do We Have Children? Let's Take a Closer Look - Lafayette lists ten reasons people have children, only ONE of which is the result of careful consideration with a partner (or support system). The list to me seems more or less accurate, but scary too. I would LOVE if more people examined the choice thoroughly to give themselves and their children the best chance at a good life.

Chapter 3: Common Misconceptions and Fears About People Who Don't Have Kids - All of the examples given are pretty standard justifications that fearful parents use to judge others and make themselves feel better. And as someone who is living a fulfilled and happy life, they are pretty insulting but typical.

Chapter 4: Separating the Myths of Parenthood From the Realities - The author insists we must be realistic and stop glorifying parenthood, even if it deters some people from becoming parents... because some parents DO regret having children. More knowledge the better, and I totally agree. She references an Ann Landers poll of 10,000 readers in which 70% of responders said that if they had known then what they know now, they would NOT have had kids again! This isn't to say these people didn't love their children, but just that they admit they weren't knowledgeable enough when the time came. The author lists some 'Positive Parenthood Propaganda' that we all hear time and again when people try to convince others to have kids. The author also lists other things a person can do instead of having kids.

Chapter 5: Menopausal Madness and the Infertility Treadmill - The author says that 30% of the members of The Childfree Network had dealt with infertility. She says that it's shameful that more doctors don't encourage infertile couples to consider a childfree lifestyle instead of spending thousands of dollars on physically and emotionally damaging treatments that only have a 50% success rate. To me, I'd love to see adoption encouraged, but I know that a lot of people build up the idea of a biological baby in their mind til it seems to separate from the reality of having a child. The author talked about how infertile couples need to be able to make a transition and own their infertility and not let it overtake their lives. She also talks about some polled older women and how they create regrets in their older years as a result of cultural pressure. She calls it revisionist history.

Chapter 6: Papa's Got a Brand New Bag: The Male Perspective - This chapter is geared towards men as they face the choice and the cultural pressure to 'be a man' by having kids. She gives a list of what men fear about Children. I really like one man quoted saying that a child should be number one, but he is mature enough to realize he can't or won't put a child in that spot above all else. <--- I think this is completely deserving of respect, and I wish more pressuring parents would realize that! I LOVE when I run into people who don't bother me about it and don't try to convince me that their lifestyle will work for me. I LOVE it. I'll have to write an entry about that!

Chapter 7: That Old Pronatalism Has Me In Its Spell - The author says everyone has the pressure in our culture: If you're single, you need to get married. If you're married, you need to have a child. If you're remarried, you need to have a child together. It's true and really quite dizzying. She then details how this pressure plays out with religion, advertising, government, workplace discrimination and political correctness. She then lists suggestions for removal of pronatalist legislation, workplace benefits to be more general, advertisements to stop showing unrealistic versions of families and babies and for churches to stop pushing procreation.

Chapter 8: The Parenthood Test -  The author provides a very thorough and helpful examination that EVERYONE should be encouraged to take. It's wonderful to really consider these things when it's the BIGGEST decision a person will ever make in their lifetime! The author stressed that even though you may take this test and realize, you could be a good parent, you're not obligated to do it.

Part Two: Living Fully
Chapter 9: The Childfree Choice - The author gives a list of positive and negatives one may encounter when choosing a childfree life. She also draws a line between childless and childfree. The author is someone who battled infertility and was childless until she allowed herself to accept and embrace her life and become childfree.

Chapter 10: Making the Most of Living Childfree - The author lists ten great things you can do when you're Childfree. One of which is actually including kids in your life. She points out that many childfree people can be mentors and support systems for other kids and I love that. That's my aim as an aunt and a volunteer. I realize my talents are best utilized in segments with time restraints! I'm not high energy and know I'm better off in my life as an aunt/volunteer.

Chapter 11: Making New Friends and Keeping the Old Ones - This chapter actually made me feel really hopeful and happy, giving me great ideas on how to keep my parent friends in my life. The author recognized that some friendships won't last, but when both parties make an effort, it leads to great things. The author gave a list of things to do when your friends become parents in order to maintain a great relationship AND encouraged the Childfree to nurture their own relationships with other childfree people, as parents do with other parents. I know it's very hard to get together with my friends who are parents because we are BOTH so very busy with our lives, but since they support me and my lifestyle choice, I definitely want to be there for them too and have to try to get in touch as often as I can. I'll admit, it's a bit strange at times, since I don't find myself to be naturally drawn to babies or children. The baby age is the age that makes me know quite certainly that I never want to give birth. I like kids that have been potty trained a few years and can be on their own a bit. But spending time with my friends and their very young children is great because it is a reminder of the reality of just how much work they are putting into their life and their child. A person has to REALLY want that! And my friends will admit how much work it is. But anyway, back to the book review...

Chapter 12: No Regrets - The author encouraged those who choose Childfree to remember the difference between ideals and reality. She also pointed out that a person is only as happy as they choose to be, so you need to really own your life, no matter whether you choose kids or not! And she warned that regret may pop up later, but you need to be prepared. She also mentioned a quote about how much better it is to be OUTSIDE of the stock market and wishing to be IN, than to be IN the stock market, wishing to be OUT!

The author then gave an epilogue about how to form a ChildFree Chapter. The info is slightly outdated but interesting if and when creating a group.
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So my thoughts on the book. It's a great resource for people considering whether or not to have kids. It's also nice for parents who may want to understand the perspective of their childfree friends. It would be great for those dealing with infertility as well. This book is positive enough to hand to anyone! ;)P