Book Review of "Women Without Children: The reasons, the rewards, the regrets" by Susan S. Lang

 Book Review of: 
Women Without Children: The reasons, the rewards, the regrets
by Susan S. Lang

This is another book written in the 90's (published in 1991). Like the previous book, I would recommend this book to anyone, parent or not. Also, like the previous book, I had renewed it four times at the library because it's taken me a while to find time to read. 

I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it. The tone was that of a research paper and was very thorough, examining every facet of the situation and all the different ways women find themselves without children. 

I found a lot of interesting historical facts as the author recounted the history of childlessness. One was that post Civil War days, the youngest daughter was usually expected to stay single and care for the aging parents. Another was the fact that during the Great Depression, many couples made sure they didn't have kids, via one method or another because they literally couldn't afford a(nother) child when they couldn't even find food for themselves!

I loved hearing some of the thoughts of women in this book, specifically a spitfire 100 year old woman who maintained that if you are lonely in your old age, it's your own fault! (She was emphasizing the importance of creating the life you want to lead with people you want to spend time with.) 

One of the reasons so many books were written about the childfree choice in the 90's, from what I can tell after having read all these books, is that the baby boom of the 80s and 90s was in full swing. Women were trying to have it all and it was (and is) incredible and impossible. 

The author did a great job with the subject of infertility and highlighting that a person has to mourn before they can accept and either decide to adopt or to remain without children. 

There were LOTS of good quotes in this book. 
- p 140 "She didn't downgrade the importance of motherhood but rather began to upgrade the value of her own life."
- p 153 "It's probably a blessing for the children never born to me that I didn't have them."
- p 171 "It's not that our past rules our present, but rather, that it inhabits our present." (I had first read it as 'inhibit', which I almost like more)
- p 180 "Planned Parenthood has a saying that friends can get you pregnant faster than husbands." (referring to the validation women seek amongst friends for their choices.)

 I really enjoyed this book. I noticed I didn't take as many notes on this book as I had done with the others I've reviewed previously. I don't know if that was because I really wanted to finish this book (it's overdue at the library), I'm kind of burnt out on the childfree literary topic, the tone of the book had less super-important facts, or what it may have been. I will provide two snapshots of quotes on loss that I REALLY like. They were written in terms of infertility, but I find them very applicable to everyday living.  

p 142

 
p 179

So, this book is very much recommendable to others, despite being legal to drink (the book was published in 1991.... it's 2012? Oh forget it.) A lot of the information in here is very interesting. It's very academic in nature, which means it's more unbiased and informative and observant in nature. This and the book before are perfect delegates, diplomats, lessons for anyone on either side of the parent/nonparent discussion. And this may be the last childfree book review for quite a while, unless the library comes pushes out those other requests I have. But I'm most definitely looking forward to filling my brain with new topics! PEACE!

Book Review of "Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood" by Leslie Lafayette

Book Review of "Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood" by Leslie Lafayette

This book, although published in 1995, is still full of good information and is actually written in a positive enough tone that one could recommend it to anyone interested in learning about the Childfree (CF... or as we like to call it: IOD) lifestyle. The author is the founder of The Childfree Network (for which I can't actually find a webpage...).

Lafayette pretty much covers everything, including then-relevant-information on how to form and maintain a childfree group, including troubleshooting issues. Finding such an environment in 2012 is considerably easier since one can turn to the internet for nearly everything.

In the interest of NOT putting the author's text online, I won't list out the items on the chapters she creates, but tell you what chapters are (table of contents) and what I thought.

PART ONE: EXPLORING THE ISSUES
Chapter 1: Living Childfree Isn't For Sissies -  The author mentions how people will butt into a person's personal life with questions and assumptions. The author points out that if you are so worried what people think, you probably aren't going to have an easy time being a parent either, because everyone has an opinion about what you do with your kids too.

Chapter 2: Why Do We Have Children? Let's Take a Closer Look - Lafayette lists ten reasons people have children, only ONE of which is the result of careful consideration with a partner (or support system). The list to me seems more or less accurate, but scary too. I would LOVE if more people examined the choice thoroughly to give themselves and their children the best chance at a good life.

Chapter 3: Common Misconceptions and Fears About People Who Don't Have Kids - All of the examples given are pretty standard justifications that fearful parents use to judge others and make themselves feel better. And as someone who is living a fulfilled and happy life, they are pretty insulting but typical.

Chapter 4: Separating the Myths of Parenthood From the Realities - The author insists we must be realistic and stop glorifying parenthood, even if it deters some people from becoming parents... because some parents DO regret having children. More knowledge the better, and I totally agree. She references an Ann Landers poll of 10,000 readers in which 70% of responders said that if they had known then what they know now, they would NOT have had kids again! This isn't to say these people didn't love their children, but just that they admit they weren't knowledgeable enough when the time came. The author lists some 'Positive Parenthood Propaganda' that we all hear time and again when people try to convince others to have kids. The author also lists other things a person can do instead of having kids.

Chapter 5: Menopausal Madness and the Infertility Treadmill - The author says that 30% of the members of The Childfree Network had dealt with infertility. She says that it's shameful that more doctors don't encourage infertile couples to consider a childfree lifestyle instead of spending thousands of dollars on physically and emotionally damaging treatments that only have a 50% success rate. To me, I'd love to see adoption encouraged, but I know that a lot of people build up the idea of a biological baby in their mind til it seems to separate from the reality of having a child. The author talked about how infertile couples need to be able to make a transition and own their infertility and not let it overtake their lives. She also talks about some polled older women and how they create regrets in their older years as a result of cultural pressure. She calls it revisionist history.

Chapter 6: Papa's Got a Brand New Bag: The Male Perspective - This chapter is geared towards men as they face the choice and the cultural pressure to 'be a man' by having kids. She gives a list of what men fear about Children. I really like one man quoted saying that a child should be number one, but he is mature enough to realize he can't or won't put a child in that spot above all else. <--- I think this is completely deserving of respect, and I wish more pressuring parents would realize that! I LOVE when I run into people who don't bother me about it and don't try to convince me that their lifestyle will work for me. I LOVE it. I'll have to write an entry about that!

Chapter 7: That Old Pronatalism Has Me In Its Spell - The author says everyone has the pressure in our culture: If you're single, you need to get married. If you're married, you need to have a child. If you're remarried, you need to have a child together. It's true and really quite dizzying. She then details how this pressure plays out with religion, advertising, government, workplace discrimination and political correctness. She then lists suggestions for removal of pronatalist legislation, workplace benefits to be more general, advertisements to stop showing unrealistic versions of families and babies and for churches to stop pushing procreation.

Chapter 8: The Parenthood Test -  The author provides a very thorough and helpful examination that EVERYONE should be encouraged to take. It's wonderful to really consider these things when it's the BIGGEST decision a person will ever make in their lifetime! The author stressed that even though you may take this test and realize, you could be a good parent, you're not obligated to do it.

Part Two: Living Fully
Chapter 9: The Childfree Choice - The author gives a list of positive and negatives one may encounter when choosing a childfree life. She also draws a line between childless and childfree. The author is someone who battled infertility and was childless until she allowed herself to accept and embrace her life and become childfree.

Chapter 10: Making the Most of Living Childfree - The author lists ten great things you can do when you're Childfree. One of which is actually including kids in your life. She points out that many childfree people can be mentors and support systems for other kids and I love that. That's my aim as an aunt and a volunteer. I realize my talents are best utilized in segments with time restraints! I'm not high energy and know I'm better off in my life as an aunt/volunteer.

Chapter 11: Making New Friends and Keeping the Old Ones - This chapter actually made me feel really hopeful and happy, giving me great ideas on how to keep my parent friends in my life. The author recognized that some friendships won't last, but when both parties make an effort, it leads to great things. The author gave a list of things to do when your friends become parents in order to maintain a great relationship AND encouraged the Childfree to nurture their own relationships with other childfree people, as parents do with other parents. I know it's very hard to get together with my friends who are parents because we are BOTH so very busy with our lives, but since they support me and my lifestyle choice, I definitely want to be there for them too and have to try to get in touch as often as I can. I'll admit, it's a bit strange at times, since I don't find myself to be naturally drawn to babies or children. The baby age is the age that makes me know quite certainly that I never want to give birth. I like kids that have been potty trained a few years and can be on their own a bit. But spending time with my friends and their very young children is great because it is a reminder of the reality of just how much work they are putting into their life and their child. A person has to REALLY want that! And my friends will admit how much work it is. But anyway, back to the book review...

Chapter 12: No Regrets - The author encouraged those who choose Childfree to remember the difference between ideals and reality. She also pointed out that a person is only as happy as they choose to be, so you need to really own your life, no matter whether you choose kids or not! And she warned that regret may pop up later, but you need to be prepared. She also mentioned a quote about how much better it is to be OUTSIDE of the stock market and wishing to be IN, than to be IN the stock market, wishing to be OUT!

The author then gave an epilogue about how to form a ChildFree Chapter. The info is slightly outdated but interesting if and when creating a group.
--------
So my thoughts on the book. It's a great resource for people considering whether or not to have kids. It's also nice for parents who may want to understand the perspective of their childfree friends. It would be great for those dealing with infertility as well. This book is positive enough to hand to anyone! ;)P

The Cost of a Child

One of the many reasons Childfree or Independent of Dependent (IOD) people choose not to have children is the staggering amount of money it takes to raise a child. I used this website to get a general idea of the cost of a child. It took into account my partner status, my income and my geographical location (midwest U.S.). This is what I got.

Let's face it, kids are not a good investment! For the amount of time and money you put into birthing, clothing, educating, feeding and caring for a child, you only get an emotional return and sometimes it's a negative return.

There are many people who find themselves financially strapped because of children and unable to provide for them, and yes, there are those who wish they would NOT have had children, had they known the expenses, be they financial, mental, physical or emotional.

For many people, the financial aspect is not fully explored when children come into the picture. Considering 50% of pregnancies are unplanned, that means 50% of parents have not fully considered the costs it will take to raise their child. And this affect not only the children, but the community at large. The more children that can't be properly raised, the more it affects the government, at both local and federal levels. Every child should have a happy, safe and healthy upbringing, so it's important that our schools TEACH the future adults about the true costs of becoming a parent. Ignorance is not always bliss.

We live in a society that glorifies pregnancy with nude pregnant celebrities on magazine covers but celebrities don't lack the funds to raise their children. There are television shows called "16 & Pregnant", "19 & Counting" "Kate Plus Eight", and all the gazillion baby shows on Lifetime and TLC and whatever other station you can find, but these people also get compensated for their fifteen minutes of fame.

When 75%-80% of women become mothers, we need to make sure they are properly aware of all of the costs they will incur. Most women will forge ahead if they truly want to be mothers, but it may be eye-opening and helpful for both future-mothers and those who forgo.


I, for one, know I will not be spending $250K on raising children and I'm thrilled! Remember, research your investments and follow your heart! ;) On a related note: my renewed passport should be returning in a couple weeks! Woo!

Book Review: "Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a Life Without Children" by Jeanne Safer, Ph.D.

Book Review: "Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a Life Without Children" by Jeanne Safer, Ph.D.

Like the last book I reviewed, this book was researched and released in the 1990's.

The first thing I must point out is this... at the very beginning of the book (p 3-4), Safer states that she will refer to the lifestyle as 'childless' because no one can deny they are missing something. This immediately altered my perception of the author's viewpoint. I understand that she is trying to point out that by the very terms of it, choosing one option makes choosing the other impossible, and therefore you 'miss' the experiences that choice would have offered. But, as a person who is happy about my childfree choice, I do NOT feel as if I'm missing out. I realize there are different levels of relating to the concept of missing or not missing on the parenting experience within the 'no children' community. But for the author to determine that I am missing out on something does not fit my experience.

In my mind, I can't miss something I never had. I don't miss being a doctor because I never was a doctor. I don't miss owning a Lamborghini because I never had one. Safer contests that even mothers are missing out on the 'no children' experience (note... I'm apparently refusing to say 'childless' in this entry!) because they gave it up. Yes, a mother can miss the freedom she had when she was without children, but it is not the same for me... I can't miss being a mother because I never had children. I could hypothetically miss the idea of having children, but that would be the idealization of the role, not the actuality of it. Just as a mother could idealize being childfree as sitting around and eating bon bons in the bathtub with no interruptions... actually... that is the childfree experience in a nutshell! ;)  (I'm only partially kidding.)

Okay, so that big glaring problem out of the way... the book was pretty decent. It talked about when and how women decided, how personal history affected the decision, childfree marriages, creating an alternate feminine identity and the childfree legacy after death.

I think so not to bore you, I'll just include the quotes I liked. A 'best of' section, of sorts (with page numbers). These quotes are from either the author OR one of the interviewees. My notes are in italics:

• "Being different can be immeasurably enriching, but it marks you. There is a price for the unconventional life." p.19
• "Many people gain maturity by becoming parents, but I hope to achieve it by choosing not to. This demands self-reliance; having no one to live through or to do what you could not, forces you to seek meaning within yourself alone. I know everything depends on me. It really does for everybody, but children can permit parents to elude this essential and disturbing awareness temporarily." p. 34
• "True maturity, I discovered, is doing something even though your mother wants you to." p 36 Hahaha! I like that one!
• "I know in a way kids are a celebration of family and life, but if we had them, we'd have to stop doing what we were put on this planet to do." p 58 This was said by one of the husbands. I find it profoundly truthful to my point of view.
• "Despite the fact that motherhood is supposed to be a woman's supreme fulfillment, for them it seemed more of an obstacle to fulfillment." p 76 Completely true for me.
• "an incredible stubborn love of freedom" p 80 Love it and have it and love that I have it!
• "childlessness is both a preference and a means of self-preservation" p 81
• "The voluntarily childless woman finds maternal responsibility almost claustrophobic." p 85 That one is so me!
• "they see their brand of caretaking more as a choice than a handicap." p 85  I believe this came from a section that reiterated that there are many ways to nurture others and that many CL/CF/IOD women (and men) do nurture through relationships or volunteering or some means and they find these opportunities rewarding because it is a choice, not something forced upon them. That and you can set time limits on those things....kids, not so much.
• "My life is not better or worse than that of a woman with children - it's just different" p 92 (Janet Frank)
• "The daughters of talented, discontented women such as these don't just avoid childbearing in reaction to negative examples; they also feel inspired by their mothers." p 111 Because so much emphasis is put into the nature vs nurture theory when a person goes against the norm, there is often times pointing fingers as to how his or her history affected it. It's important to understand that people who choose to have a childfree/IOD life are not doing so ONLY because they had a 'bad childhood' but they could have had the best childhood possible and still chosen to not have kids.
• "She became herself by being different." p 115
• "She must design her destiny for herself and deal with the world's reaction to her nonconformity." p 144
• "Childlessness is un-American; it's like being a traitor to your flag." p 146 I suppose this is probably true in most countries/cultures as they seem to be very natalistc.
• "to do something you really want makes you feel like more, not less." p 149
• "need an unusual degree of self-confidence and self-acceptance." p 152.
• "... so my sense of myself is pretty intact. I don't miss what I don't have; I'm comfortable with who I am." p 155
• "refutes the assumption that mothers have a monopoly on compassion" p 160
• "She acquired something rare and precious as a result: time to reflect on ways of being that most people don't have." p 168  Is it easier for childfree people to find happiness because they aren't constantly pushing their own needs aside? I think so. We are in tune with our needs in the first place well enough to know having kids isn't right for us. Many people can't even look in the mirror, much less take the time to self-improve. 
• "Friends replace family as the lifelines for the majority of the women I met." p 172  This rings very true for me. I have a strong network of friends that support me in ways my family is not capable of doing. We are born into families of people that may not understand us, but we are blessed when we find others with whom to surround ourselves to ensure our happiness.
• "My life is my child." p 182

Other things of note from the book:

• p. 50 - The author found that studies found that those who opted to not have children were typically the firstborn or only child. I don't find this to be true.
• p. 62-64 talks about the experiences of a woman who had people try to GIVE her their children! She was a war correspondent and these people wanted her to (a) have the joy a child brings (b) give their child more opportunity. I found this to be so interesting! (More interesting than the woman who's best friend cut her off because she wouldn't be a surrogate mother for her!! That's just selfish on the part of that woman demanding that of her friend! Yuck!)
• p. 139. Scientists thought that a higher divorce rate among those without children indicated unhappiness but now realize those without children have an easier time deciding to divorce because they don't 'have to stay together for the kids'. Marriages with zero children tend to be more egalitarian, more cohesive and satisfying, longer-lasting and more fulfilling. 
• p 146-147. Childless women are resentful b/c others (mothers) do not support their choice. This is important. In order to create a healthy society in which all people are encouraged to make a conscious choice about the child decision, the result of each individual's decision should be respected. To not do so creates conflict, which I'm sure we've all come up against. 
• p 148 - a highly developed responsibility makes them choose not to have kids.
• p 148 and around there... had some horrific stories of people butting in and telling strangers they should have kids or they're missing out or they will regret it or they are selfish etc. How rude!!
• p 150-151. One person emphasized the idea of mentally (or verbally, if you're brave!) questioning the people who question you. By being steadfastly childfree and happy about it, you make them uncomfortable because you don't reinforce their choice or because they are unhappy with their choice. 
• p 151-152: Even when a person or couple is happy and comfortable with their choice, there is still a sense of exclusion in the community. "need an unusual degree of self-confidence and self-acceptance." p 152.
• One person mentioned seeing an elderly woman admitted to the hospital w/o family or next of kin. The observer was happy to think she'd have a long list of friends to come to her aid in her old age. To me, that's not exactly true/is idealistic for multiple reasons. Hospitals primarily view 'kin' as the only people allowed to visit or make decisions. I personally don't want several of my family members making my medical decisions because we don't agree on some thing. But hospitals don't even let same-sex partners make the decisions sometimes. So what I'm saying is (a) the system of relationship qualification for legal purposes is broken and (b) the idea that your friends will rush to your aid in your old age is probably just as idealistic as the concept that one's own children will care for you.

So, in closing, I liked this book, except for the major glaring bit in the beginning about 'missing out on being a mother'. I enjoyed reading a time capsule of sorts from the childless/childfree/indpendent of dependent army of 20 years ago! :)

Book Review: Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity by Mardy S. Ireland

Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity

Ireland, Mardy S.

This book was very heavy on theories but I found it to be quite satisfying. The author categorized women as 'traditional' (wanted to be mothers but infertile), 'transitional' (women who delayed children by life circumstance) or 'transformative' (women who actively chose to not have children).

I obviously fall into the last category, but this book was a great chance for me to understand other women. The book also focused a LOT on theories and different psychologist and the formation of the conscious and unconscious lives of humans. It touched on Freud and other theorists. This bit got to be quite heavy, but was still informative and interesting.

This book was published in 1993 which is nearly 20 years ago. The author looks at women who were born after World War II as part of our culture's duty to thrive. So there have been changes in the demographic makeup since then, but this doesn't make the book/research irrelevant by any means. It basically reminded that many of these women experienced life during the wave of feminism and it helped to formulate them.

There were many interesting parts to this book having to with gender and personal identification. I appreciated that the book/author focused on the creativity that women are allowed to pursue in their lives that is a valid lifestyle. I view myself as a creative person, so I know that my creativity is my 'child'.

There were SO many good parts to this book, that I find it hard to wrap up without a looooong reivew as previous entries. (The purpose of these reviews should be to give you an opinion on the work, not give you a novel to read before the book!)

Basically, the author posits that by limiting humans to gender roles, we prevent men and women from tapping into their strengths whether a woman be more aggressive and a man more nurturing or what have you. And that the childfree woman is often seen as a threat to both mothers and males, but needs to be welcomed as a valid life choice.

The theory part of the book was sometimes hard to read (and some hard to stomach, especially when Freud and Lacan talk 'lack') but the interesting point mentioned in some of it was 'language' and creating the language necessary for females to be seen outside the realms of motherhood only. That was part of the reason for creating this blog... to give us another method of describing our lives, without referring to something our life does not involve. I am Independent of Dependents, I am Childfree, I am a Creative Person with Purpose.

I do really recommend this book and want to know if anyone else has read it or plans to read it. It's different from many of the other Childfree/Childless books because it is more intellectual and theoretical than any I've read before.

Book Review Time!!! "Two is Enough" and "Complete Without Kids"

Last month I finished reading:

Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice

by Laura S. Scott  


I didn't take many notes on it but I do remember is that it was statistically driven off of surveys and essays and interviews. As a single woman, I thought it lacked information about the Childfree Single. One thing I definitely took away was someone's comment about how being CF (or as we like to call it: IOD...Independent of Dependents) allows a person to travel NOW instead of waiting until retirement. That person recalls visiting Greek ruins and being saddened to see elderly people unable to make the climb to the top to see the grandiose ruins they had traveled to see. To me, an ardent traveler, that is really sad! Life is meant to be enjoyed NOW, not put off.

I also remember that the book was more positively driven than not. Often times chosing to be CF/IOD seems like a struggle, constantly having to prove to people that we aren't crazy and that we are making a VALID CHOICE. So it's no wonder sometimes a CF/IOD person can get defensive or angry... if someone is telling you that you don't know what you're doing with your life, just because he or she chose something different. I've gone through the stages and will continue to, depending with whom I'm speaking. Of course, we need to be able to vent our frustrations with ignorant people or bad parents, but at the end of the day, you get more flies with honey.

So, the above book was a good read. It was geared towards CF/IOD (IOD is the agreed-upon, created term my friends and I developed) and also those who are considering the CF choice. I think it's very important that children are seen as a CHOICE. If we continue to promote it as a CHOICE and not 'just what you do', we are encouraging people to be more responsible for their own decisions. (Of course, religion does often get in the way of proactively preventing pregnancies... but that's not the theme of this topic).

________________________________

And tonight was a CRAZY Friday night. I just finished reading: 

Complete Without Kids: An Insider's Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance

by Ellen L. Walker

 

I did actually take notes on this book (as I will for the other 5 or 6 CF books I have checked out!!! I have a lot of reading to do!)

 

This book didn't sit as favorably with me. The author drew too many conclusions and made assumptions that I found unnecessary. She postulated that so-and-so would have been a good mother had she met someone. She postulated that a Japanese exchange student probably went on to have kids because she probably felt awkward being one of 2 childless females in a room of 50 at a Church retreat. I found these assumptions detracted from my enjoyment of the story. 

I'll now refer to my notes and provide page numbers where possible. Excerpts or ideas from the book will be in italics and my notes will be in plain text.


p. 48 'Suzanne' expresses sadness when she sees families portrayed in movies as being happy and having intimate connections. The idea of missing out eats at her.  - Of course the movies are going to portray things as perfection! Movies set unrealistic expectations for the audience. That's why you have to take everything with a grain of salt. And I'm saying this as someone who is involved in the film industry! Unless the story has to do with a dysfunctional family, you won't see that as part of the storyline. Or, the film shows happy happy happy to set up the meltdown and the return to happy happy. It's just like when I watch a romantic comedy, I know it's outside the realm of normal. 


p. 52-53 Having it all: career and mothering leaves a woman stressed and not present -  This I agree with and find important to mention. We lost our own war with feminism. We felt the need to prove we CAN do it all, work AND be mothers. But to what end? Mothers who have guilt and aren't able to be everywhere at once? Spreading themselves so thin between career and parenting that they lose themselves? TANGENT: On a photo of an Italian female government representative Licia Ronzulli who brought her baby to the voting session... I saw SO many mothers responding to it with pride about how women can do it all. One woman wrote "I'm a mother before I'm a woman". I was flabbergasted. You couldn't be a mother without being a woman first, biologically speaking alone. And you shouldn't be losing your identity into your children's lives. Luckily I saw a commenter write that it (bringing one's infant to work) was feminism fail. For more info on this situation....go here. Basically, as a mother, you are held to the impossible standard of having to prove that you are superwoman. And if you don't happen to measure up, you are in for a world of guilt.


p 66-67 "Having Fun and the Fear of Losing Youthfulness" - I don't like this section of the book. It's too short and I feel it misses the point and misconstrues the issue. It seems like the author is saying that CF people avoid maturing and are just all about fun AND that they have a fear of growing older. I don't know if this was meant to be implied, but that's how I read it. TO ME, I find that many parents have children because of the (subconscious) FEAR of how to fill the next 60+ years ahead of them. It can be daunting to think of all the open roads before me, but I'm grateful and excited, especially because I have several Childfree/Independent of Dependent friends to join me. The author seemed to imply that CF/IOD people are free from responsibility or care and don't need to grow up. This is a falsehood. Having children doesn't make someone mature or responsible. It can be a motivator for someone to become that way, but not everyone NEEDS to pop out a kid to realize they should get their life in order. I'm sure the author did not mean to imply that we shirk responsibility, but that it might appear we do.


Three Categories as developed by the author: Childfree by Happenstance, Childfree by Choice or Childfree by Circumstance - I'm a little fuzzy on the difference between Happenstance and Circumstance. To me, they represent the same thing, but the author seems to imply that Happenstance means a person just never ended up with a partner during their fertile years and that Circumstance is for people that wanted to have kids but were infertile. I don't know if the distinction is as I've surmised or that it's clear enough. In Laura Scott's Two Is Enough there was a category for those who ended up CF because of their partner's strong choice and their ability to be okay with not having kids. I just found Walker's categorization to be a bit fuzzy.


p 68 Selfishness - Some childfree people are happy to admit they are selfish, but I have a hard time doing so. I think all humans are selfish and it is a survival instinct. Parents are not selfless for having children... it's just the group they protect is bigger, so they are selfish for a larger group of their DNA. It's the same as if I'm out with friends and there is an open table at a bar... I'm looking out for the good of my group and will try to get that table for us and let others fend for themselves. My group is where my loyalties lie. And we all know that people have selfish reasons for procreating: wanting someone to care for them in old age (RIGHT!), wanting to have the experience of being a parent, etc. I think less focus needs to be put on selfishness/selflessness because it doesn't seem relevant to me. Just because I don't have a small family group to care for doesn't mean that I don't extend good will by other means, such as volunteering or caring for my nephews. I don't like the idea of selfishness even though some people are happy to lay claim to it.
       Ah, now I see my notes more clearly... I wrote that the author didn't cover the selfishness topic well enough because she didn't mention how it can be selfish to have children for the wrong reasons and that the section basically only said CF people didn't feel guilty for having so much free time. 


p 71 Sometimes the differences become isolating and we can be left out by mothers/parents because we seem to be dis-trustworthy and we have to makes steps to show we "accept kids" - This makes me bristle. I understand the author is saying we need to have a little give and be ambassadors for the Childfree community. I selectively do this with people I care for that have children so that they know I'm not hateful of their kids. I'm very vocal about my choice to be IOD and it can be offputting to mothers. But, yes I make it a point through my actions to show them I can be around their child and not shrivel into a pile of ash. But I won't go too much out of my way. I did go to a friend's party for her 1 year old boy and it was at a Children's Museum. My mom and I even took the birthday boy around for a bit but he was hungry and I couldn't help him. He just wanted his mama! So I relinquished the crying birthday boy. But he was cute in his little vest and hiking boots! See?! I went to the party and spent time with the little one because I WANTED to, not because I felt it was my duty. I care for the little guy and his parents are wonderful, so of course I want to be there for them and celebrate. My choice to stay an aunt doesn't mean I don't want to celebrate and spend time with kids! In fact, I really like having kids around because I like to teach them it's okay to be goofy and just enjoy life! I do this with my nephews and I've done this with all the kids I've nannied or as a camp counselor. It's my way of spreading silliness and joy. Letting kids be kids and take their joyful attitude into adulthood with them. Life is meant to be enjoyed and that's something I like to promote. Something I'm ABLE to promote because I'm not focused on my own children, but can be there for others. So, I guess, the author has a point, but it still threw me off. It made it seem like 'we' have to make the parents feel comfortable and they don't have to make us feel okay. But it is give and take. Each CF/IOD person feels differently about how much they want to be included with parents and kids, and it's up to them to indicate it. Okay... moving on... ;O)

-I agree with the author's section about how our time is OUR time. The evenings and weekends are our leisure time, not filled with the children's activities or catering to what the kids need. That's one of the benefits to my IOD Choice... I can fill up my time in ways that make me feel like a happy and fulfilled person, without being distracted by the needs of children. That can be a BIG struggle for parents, but as a CF/IOD person, I'm very happy with this benefit. This doesn't make me feel selfish, but motivated. I have many projects that I chose to do with my time. Writing this blog is one of them. IT WORKS FOR ME. Everyone should be free to make this choice.


- I like the inclusion of the section on Singles, since the previous book didn't touch well enough on it for me. IF I ever choose to look for a partner (my projects are my loves right now), I would only date another CF/IOD-minded person. I don't have a desire to be a stepmother. As much as I realize that there are children out there that need love and fostering, my decision to be childfree includes children biological or not. The idea is that my life isn't leading towards mothering, no matter where the kid comes from. So, I have to be content to contribute by volunteering. It's much easier on the wallet and less time-consuming ;)


p. 119 - Healthy lifestyles and kids as a motivator to stay healthy - I find that to be a bit misleading. I'm sure there are unhealthy people who don't have kids. The author even mentions one. But she also mentions that because of more free time, Childfree adults are able to use that time to do activities such as healthy cooking and fun exercises like skiing or running. The author also mentioned a study that showed parents consume more fats, saturated fats and sweets and salty snacks that Childfree people. The idea of providing a healthful diet for children is a big scary thing for me. I have a hard enough time making sure I eat enough of the right foods during the day. I'm not up for the task. I can understand how parents can go for the easiest route... when I have my nephews for the weekend.... well, it's not all healthy food. I DO always have fruits and veggies for them. Their parents live on an organic farm, so I know a concerted effort is being made to raise these kids on real food. And that's a big deal!
     I agree with the person on page 121 who says that personality is the driving factor to a person's healthy or unhealthy lifestyle, rather than whether or not they have children. I think kids can act as a motivator sometimes, but I also agree with the fact that parents are more susceptible to disease, not only from contact with their children, but because being a parent can be stressful, leaving parents with less time to sleep and recharge their body. I enjoy the fact that I can respond to my body's needs and get extra sleep when I need it. (I sleep a LOT... it's just how my body is!) Actually yesterday I was able to stay home from work and I thought about the fact that I wouldn't necessarily have been able to recuperate (including my 3 hour nap) if I had a child to care for. Being a parent is a 24/7 job and I'm happy I work in a different field! ;)


p 126-7 - EXPENSIVE! - "Families that make $70,000 a year or more will spend $260,520 to raise a child from birth through age 17, and this doesn't include college tuition, which can add up to $150,000 more for a four-year education. - OUCH! Well, I know I'm not in that tax bracket AT ALL. I work three jobs and would be lucky if it totaled to 30K. So, no, having a child is not financially an option for me. BUT, what IS an option for me, is to save money for my retirement and save money for my travels. In fact, $5 is going into my travel savings fund for writing this blog post. Because I have my goals and my priorities, I'm able to attain what I want. Some people DO want to spend obs and gobs of money on rearing children. Good for them and best of luck to them. But I hope they'd be just as willing to wish me well on MY goals. Often times, people try to place importance on the idea of raising a family and any other use of one's time is seen as frivolous. I disagree. I think it's more important to identify what makes YOU happiest and how you can attain it. Living up to someone else's standards will NOT make you happy. 


p 130 - The author mentions one interviewee said parents are often reluctant to travel for business while Childfree people are able to do so and might look forward to it. - I saw this in action. I happened to have taken off a month from work so I could travel for a GREAT flight deal, visit friends and family in six cities (not something parents can do!) and while I was sitting in an airport, biding my time, I couldn't but hear a frustrated mother on the phone berating her kids or husband for not remembering a dentist appointment and calling the dentist to reschedule. From the airport. A mother's work is never done. Mothers are important people. But sometimes I feel they LIKE it! How many of you have mothers that can be described as 'martyrs'? I know my mother gripes about how much she has to do for us, even now. But sometimes, if they relinquished a bit more control and ASKED for things to be done... well, maybe their children and husband might step up to the plate! I know that's a bit utopian, but if a woman never asks for help and only gripes about not getting any help... it's not really a healthy environment for anyone.


Another idea mentioned by the author is having kids means you may likely have to work a job you don't like because the children have financial needs that can only be met by a steady income. - This is a frightening reality. We don't know which way the river flows. Look at the economic downturn of the past recent years. How many parents lost jobs? You can bet most of them had to take jobs beneath their pay level just to keep food on the table. I can't imagine how stressful that must be. See above, where having kids is EXPENSIVE! As a single person, if I hit bad times, I can move into a home with others. You can't really do that if you have a large family. Well, many immigrants do it, but that's a different story. But working an unpleasant job is one of those 'sacrifices' parents make for their kids. It's something for people to consider when looking at their options. You don't HAVE to choose to sacrifice things you want because society tells you it's how you mature and it's the next step. You can look at your life and what you want to do with it. So if you choose children or no children, you know you are being true to yourself. 


p 130-131 The workplace oftentimes punishes those who don't have children with more chances to leave work (sick kids), more money (single moms), no discounts on health insurance as compared to those with kids, etc.) - There are a number of reasons that parents seems to have advantages over people like myself. The main difference is that in my department, most are salaried people, while 5 of us are hourly. So right there, there are a number of differences that aren't quite fair. I won't go into it because it's specific to my situation. I do know that it generally isn't balanced treatment and changes need to be made. Just because I don't have to run off to pick up a kid from school doesn't mean I wouldn't like to leave early as often as the others who still get paid. 


p 132 Tax breaks. - Grrrr. I don't understand why tax breaks occur. Why are people being rewarded for having kids when it's because of the increase of the population that more services are needed? Why don't I get a tax break for NOT having kids? My taxes pay for public education, but I don't have any kids that benefit from it. (My nephews are homeschooled.) I think there should either be more options across the board (I volunteer a LOT) or there shouldn't be any tax breaks. It just seems like a lop-sided, goofy, unfair system.


p. 137 The author wondered at the idea that since many childfree people will end up in retirement homes, we'll still be surrounded by the elderly who will talk about their children and grandchildren and will NEVER escape. The author hoped that by the time she retired, there would be a childfree retirement home! - HA! Yes!


p. 142 - The author talked about the need for growth in terminology. 'Childless' is used by some people who wanted but couldn't have children and they, and parents with children, may take offense to 'Childfree' while those who like that term are proud of their choice. - This situation was part of the inspiration for the title of this blog. I wanted to be able to refer to my lifestyle that doesn't contain children without referring to children. I'm not a 'non-BMW owner'. Independent of Dependents or IOD seems to be a tax term to refer to our chosen lifestyle. I like it and I hope it catches on. For three reasons, 1)CF also stands for Cystic Fibrosis 2) IOD sounds like IUD which is a method of birth control. 3) My friends and I can lay claim to it! ;)


p. 146 - I REALLY liked the paragraphs on 'purpose'. To me, that's a very important theme. My life is IOD because that's how I feel I will best attain my purpose in life. To me, it's all about encouraging people to research this decision, the most impacting decision on their life, and to make a well-informed, heartfelt decision that is true to that particular person. 


p. 149 - Having children doesn't make for a happier marriage. In fact studies show that happiness in marriage goes down with the arrival of the first child and increases when the children are gone. - I know it sounds like we are making that up to promote a baby-free agenda, but get the book and check it out for yourself! To me, it makes sense. Having kids isn't easy and adds A LOT of stress into a couple's life. It changes everything for them. Sometimes it works out well and sometimes not so much. You can't depend on an outside thing to make you happy. 


p 151. - The author suggested nation-wide people abstain from sex for a week and see how it affects the population. - I really hope this was said in jest. Even I, as a non-parent, am well aware that many parents often go for more than a week without sex. So there goes that idea!

So... in conclusion to this very long book review on "Complete Without Kids", even though I took issue with the way the information was presented (based on a few interviews with unnecessary conclusions/assumptions), and even though I disagreed with things that were presented, I can tell from my own report that it does actually present the Childfree Life as something to be considered. The author would present her life and show how it would be different if children were involved. And for some people that would be welcome. It's just a matter of REALLY examining the choices thoroughly. 
         As presented in this book, half of all pregnancies (in the U.S.?) are accidental. We as a society need to give our youth more information on how to stay safe and be well-informed and MAKE A DECISION. As technology and life options continue to progress and expand, so too do the messages we send to our youth, the emphasis our society puts on life choices and how to make them.

     As always, I want to send out a reminder those parents that may read this (if you have, your kids must be busy ;) ).... Those of use who are Childless, Childfree, or Independent of Dependents, just want you to know, we are living our lives the way we want to. We chose what's best for us in our individual lives. It makes us happy. And we wish the same happiness and fulfillment for you in your lives. So please, don't freak out the next time we say "No, I don't have kids". I'm sure we can still find something to talk about! ;)

PEACE

A Childfree World?

     The interesting thing that I hear some non-Childfree/Independent of Dependent (CF/IOD) people indicate is that NOT replenishing our population is a BAD thing. With the world population set to surpass 7 BILLION people I fail to see what is so important about upkeeping these staggering numbers. A good number of the global population does not have access to clean water, sufficient food or health care and these are people who will be procreating for not utilizing contraception.
     The above article states:

 "Over the next forty years, nearly all (97%) of the 2.3 billion projected increase will be in the less developed regions, with nearly half (49%) in Africa. By contrast, the populations of more developed countries will remain flat, but will age, with fewer working-age adults to support retirees living on social pensions."

The argument I have heard is related to that last fact about less working-age people in developed countries. The article also points out:

"Although the issues immediately confronting developing countries are different from those facing the rich countries, in a globalized world demographic challenges anywhere are demographic challenges everywhere," said Bloom.

     So while it may be tempting to turn a blind eye to areas like Africa, you can see from the data that it will be responsible for half of the world's expected growth. In my personal factless opinion, (yes, I'm basing this off my perceived knowledge and would be interested to see solid research)... one of the reasons the African continent is affected by staggering numbers of HIV and pregnancies (and therefore orphaned children with HIV) is because of religious missionaries (Catholic? Christian?) that condemn the use of contraception. It creates a disconnect for the people in their daily lives. I do know of a friend that was working with the Peace Corps in Niger and was involved in a group instructing women about their personal health and contraception and from what I know, my friend was touched by how well-spoken these women were and how they took hold of the knowledge given to them.
    That project is very much in line with Bloom's call to action in the above article:

"We have to tackle some tough issues ranging from the unmet need for contraception among hundreds of millions of women and the huge knowledge-action gaps we see in the area of child survival, to the reform of retirement policy and the development of global immigration policy. It's just plain irresponsible to sit by idly while humankind experiences full force the perils of demographic change.""

 To me, it is foolish to think that as a population we need to keep procreating in order to 'meet our needs'. There needs to be restructuring in many areas to accommodate for the population be it larger or smaller.

Sometimes I wonder if those against contraception are afraid that the film "Children of Men"  from 2006 will become a reality. The film's summary: In 2027, in a chaotic world in which humans can no longer procreate, a former activist agrees to help transport a miraculously pregnant woman to a sanctuary at sea, where her child's birth may help scientists save the future of humankind. Yeah, this isn't likely to happen. But the fatalists that are against the use of birth control seem to think it will.

     To me, birth control is a use of technology that allows people to be more responsible in choosing if and when to bring more humans into this world. There is an example of this in Brazil.

     Basically, the government subsidizes the cost of birth control in Brazil, leading women to have less children in their families as of late. This can be an important step in breaking the cycle of poverty and preventing children from living without access to basic needs. The article states: "Despite having the most Catholics in the world, 80 percent of Brazilian women of childbearing age are using some form of artificial contraception" 
      This is very intriguing because the Catholic Church strongly opposes the use of contraception in any form. People are often very susceptible to the ordinances within their religion so for individuals to go against the expectations of a religious institution is very telling. My opinion is that many religions are out of touch with women's rights due to their patriarchal nature. Women are not just here to produce offspring for men but some religions seem to think so. Yes, I suppose many women do want to have children and therefore play into that part of biology but there are those of us who do not feel the biological urge and that is our prerogative. There comes a point in a person's life where they look at their religious upbringing and they look at what they want their life to be and they find an answer.
     Reproduction issues are not just a matter of religion but can have some political basis as well, as we see in China.  China has been known for it's 'one-child policy' which limits the number of children that a couple can have. But there are a growing number of couples or individuals who do not have children in China. This is sometimes for financial reasons or in cases of individuals, for lack of partner (whether by choice or situation). Of course, all the reasons to stay Childfree in Western nations must be true as well throughout the world. 
     At the end of June, this article detailed some reasons that a growing number of U.S. couples are staying childfree. The beginning of August showed that many NYC women are Childfree-minded as well.   From the June article: "...Nearly one in five American women now ends her reproductive years without children, up from one in ten in the 1970s." 
      As a childfree woman, this makes me happy. NOT because I hate children and think no one should have them (not true at all) but because these articles and facts show me that not only nationally, but internationally, men and women feel more freedom to follow what they know is right for their lives. With the use of technology and resources, we have access to others like us who support and understand this lifestyle. The propensity to procreate is reaffirmed daily in movies and advertisements and personal lives and interactions with parents who evangelize on the benefits of kids. Parents have all the reinforcement they need in other parents but childfree people need reinforcement as well.
    Childfree people are aware of what children are like. We all have been children, we all have been around children. If you are a responsible parent, we respect your decision as long as you don't force it upon us. My wish is that having children is seen not as 'the next logical step' but as one possible result of a well-thought out decision. I know what is right for me and even if I could be a good parent, if it is not what will make me happiest, it is unkind of people to encourage me to procreate. I never encourage them to get rid of their children with the adage "You'll change your mind" that so many childfree people hear from parents. I hope that with time and discussion, people will be allowed to make a decision and let others enjoy the happy result of theirs. I also hope that more children that need parents will be adopted into loving, caring homes. I am thankful for those people that can open up their hearts and homes to children that are in need in this world. To me, that is a sign of a wonderful parent... to love a child that isn't biologically yours but to love and provide for them as though they are. 
     Nia Vardalos, one of my favorite creative souls in the world, along with her husband, Ian Gomez, adopted a little girl, and is a proponent and a spokeswoman for an organization: Help Us Adopt. Adoption to me is a better option than fertility treatments because instead of spending gobs of money and years on fertility treatments, you could find a blessing in a child that needs you immediately. Humans are the only creatures that go through such lengths to extend our genetic makeup, yet we see videos and news all the time of animals that suckle and care for young that are outside of their species. I have chosen a childfree lifestyle because that is what works for me but I heartily applaud with all my heart and soul the wonderful people who can look past their DNA and/or the desire to birth their own baby and make love for adopted children a part of their lives. Peace.

In case you missed them... articles listed above:

• World Population to Surpass 7 Billion in 2011; Explosive Population Growth Means Challenges for Developing Nations  - Science Daily - July 28, 2011

• In Brazil, Women's Changing Roles, Attitudes Leading to Smaller Families  - PBS News Hour - Aug 30, 2011   

• In China, having children is no longer a given   - Los Angeles Times - Sept 02, 2011

• The No-Baby Boom  - Shine on Yahoo - June 28, 2011 
  
  
• We Say No to Babies and Yes to NYC: More city women are taking a pass on the Mommy Path  - New York Post  - Aug 2, 2011

Stereotypes: Selfish and Indecisive

I had a much longer draft, but the save feature was broken. :( But that's okay, because this one turned out swell. I was going to do two articles but one will do for now. Enjoy!

"One woman's childfree facebook status ignites Facebook free-for-all"   Lilit Marcus writes about her situation when she posted she would be talking about her childfree choice on The Today Show. The link provided also includes the segment that aired.
     I was happy to see the segment that aired on national TV so the lifestyle gains exposure and hopefully more acceptance but it's also silly that we have to make a news clip to help some of the more obtuse breeders understand that not everyone wants to pop out babies. Do we need a segment to explain that not everyone wants to be doctors either? I can imagine some mothers watching the segment and exclaiming: 'Can you believe that some women don't actually want to be mothers? What's wrong with them?!' This often seems to be the mentality.
    Laura Scott, author of 'Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice' was also featured during the Today Show segment and said that two of the stereotypes childfree people encounter is that they are selfish and they will change their mind. In her text, Lilit Marcus speculated what would happen if she were to tell a pregnant woman that she would change her mind a few years after having kids.
     It always astounds me when people suggest I will change my mind. As if I haven't had enough experiences with children to know what it entails or that some man will come sweep me off my feet and change my weak, feminine resolve. I am one of five children and many cousins. I was a babysitter, a camp counselor and I'm an aunt to three wonderful, amazing, vivacious boys.
     I think I'm pretty well aware that it takes oodles of time, money and energy to be a parent. I'm pretty sure I know my interest in the idea of motherhood and I can gauge my capacity for the position. Even though I know I'm capable of it, I don't want to be a mother. I don't want to climb Mt. Everest in the buff. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to want to be a police officer. I don't want to live in Alaska. I know myself better than anyone else so for people to suggest they know what I really want is ridiculous, absurd and rude.
     'You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy'. The right guy won't want children either. This is dating requirement #2 (attraction is obviously #1). Will you change your mind about marrying a drug-user when you meet one who is ever so swell? Probably not. Because hopefully that's part of your screening process in the early stages of the game. The desire to remain child-free is part of my requirements. If it's not met, well, sorry buddy.
     'It's selfish for you to not have kids'. This is one of the most ludicrous, insulting statements I've ever heard. I will never understand the logic behind this one because it is faulty. As one of the speakers in the Today Show segment said, having children is seen as a rite of passage and most people accept that without much question. They assume it's part and parcel to a happy life and can't comprehend a life without children. To me, these people must hold child-rearing in such high regard that it seems they almost believe it's the only pathway to a higher plane. They believe that if they don't sacrifice, they aren't a good person. Martyr syndrome, anyone?
     Does having children make you unselfish? I contest that it doesn't and many times makes people more selfish. People try to reason with me that if I don't have kids, there will be no one to take care of me in my old age. Now, isn't that selfish of them? They assume that their children will be there for them without even taking into account their children will be human beings that will have free will and their own desires and ambitions. Children grow into adults of free thought and individuality and there is no guarantee your children are going to like you or even stick around. To be morbid, there is no guarantee that your children will outlive you. No thank you. I don't think I will procreate in order to have people take care of me if and when I get old. I will let hired help take care of me. That's what I'll pay them for.
     Another somewhat-selfish attachment to breeding is wanting a piece of yourself and your spouse to be created and commemorated, to carry on some family blood line or some other such thing. Obviously, it's your right to have your own biological children but if you really love kids all that much and they're so precious and wonderful, why haven't you considered adoption? If there's so much love in your heart, why can't you extend it forward for children who already exist? Children who have been otherwise mistreated or abandoned? Or do you have some superiority complex that demands your bloodline is endangered or important? Although I don't fault people for having their own children if they are able, I find the stigma of biology rather silly. And could be considered borderline selfish, but Lord knows they don't want to be insulted the same way they insult child-free people with the word 'selfish'.
     Why is my choice to lead my life towards joy seen as selfish anyway? I try to be a good person and follow my hopes and dreams. But if I don't put those dreams aside, I'm somehow selfish? There is seriously no other way I can redeem myself if I don't have kids? I don't find this to make a smidgen of sense. I want to be happy. If I know that having children is outside my desires, why is it selfish of me to NOT bring children into this world? I don't want to harbor feelings against children for ME not accomplishing my goals. So I'm going to work on accomplishing my goals. Why is it any concern to anyone else?
     In an effort to show how judgmental these people are, I will admit, that for the past couple years, I've been using some of my free time (childfree time) to volunteer with special needs youth. Does that make me selfish? Think back to when you were expecting. Didn't you secretly hope you wouldn't have a disabled child? Of course we are humans and of course we are selfish. It's part of self-preservation. You're not going to wish to purposely have a disabled child because it is a lifetime of extra time, money and energy. If it happens, I wish you the strength, energy, resources and openness to accepting this challenge and opening your heart to it. These families astound me and I pray they have joy and strength. I'm writing this, not to applaud myself for my good deed but as an example to people who think childfree people are selfish. With the time we have not raising children, some of us make an effort to help those of you who do. Childfree people are capable of so much that still brings us joy and happiness and helps us find our fulfilled life. Just because I choose a different lifestyle than you does not make me selfish and you not. Nor does it make you selfish and me unselfish. We are human beings working towards joy and happiness. That is what is important.
     So tell me again, do I know myself well enough to make my own life choices? Does the decision to not procreate make me categorizable into a stereotype? Or are we capable of so much more than these misunderstandings and labels?