I had a much longer draft, but the save feature was broken. :( But that's okay, because this one turned out swell. I was going to do two articles but one will do for now. Enjoy!
"One woman's childfree facebook status ignites Facebook free-for-all" Lilit Marcus writes about her situation when she posted she would be talking about her childfree choice on The Today Show. The link provided also includes the segment that aired.
I was happy to see the segment that aired on national TV so the lifestyle gains exposure and hopefully more acceptance but it's also silly that we have to make a news clip to help some of the more obtuse breeders understand that not everyone wants to pop out babies. Do we need a segment to explain that not everyone wants to be doctors either? I can imagine some mothers watching the segment and exclaiming: 'Can you believe that some women don't actually want to be mothers? What's wrong with them?!' This often seems to be the mentality.
Laura Scott, author of 'Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice' was also featured during the Today Show segment and said that two of the stereotypes childfree people encounter is that they are selfish and they will change their mind. In her text, Lilit Marcus speculated what would happen if she were to tell a pregnant woman that she would change her mind a few years after having kids.
It always astounds me when people suggest I will change my mind. As if I haven't had enough experiences with children to know what it entails or that some man will come sweep me off my feet and change my weak, feminine resolve. I am one of five children and many cousins. I was a babysitter, a camp counselor and I'm an aunt to three wonderful, amazing, vivacious boys.
I think I'm pretty well aware that it takes oodles of time, money and energy to be a parent. I'm pretty sure I know my interest in the idea of motherhood and I can gauge my capacity for the position. Even though I know I'm capable of it, I don't want to be a mother. I don't want to climb Mt. Everest in the buff. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to want to be a police officer. I don't want to live in Alaska. I know myself better than anyone else so for people to suggest they know what I really want is ridiculous, absurd and rude.
'You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy'. The right guy won't want children either. This is dating requirement #2 (attraction is obviously #1). Will you change your mind about marrying a drug-user when you meet one who is ever so swell? Probably not. Because hopefully that's part of your screening process in the early stages of the game. The desire to remain child-free is part of my requirements. If it's not met, well, sorry buddy.
'It's selfish for you to not have kids'. This is one of the most ludicrous, insulting statements I've ever heard. I will never understand the logic behind this one because it is faulty. As one of the speakers in the Today Show segment said, having children is seen as a rite of passage and most people accept that without much question. They assume it's part and parcel to a happy life and can't comprehend a life without children. To me, these people must hold child-rearing in such high regard that it seems they almost believe it's the only pathway to a higher plane. They believe that if they don't sacrifice, they aren't a good person. Martyr syndrome, anyone?
Does having children make you unselfish? I contest that it doesn't and many times makes people more selfish. People try to reason with me that if I don't have kids, there will be no one to take care of me in my old age. Now, isn't that selfish of them? They assume that their children will be there for them without even taking into account their children will be human beings that will have free will and their own desires and ambitions. Children grow into adults of free thought and individuality and there is no guarantee your children are going to like you or even stick around. To be morbid, there is no guarantee that your children will outlive you. No thank you. I don't think I will procreate in order to have people take care of me if and when I get old. I will let hired help take care of me. That's what I'll pay them for.
Another somewhat-selfish attachment to breeding is wanting a piece of yourself and your spouse to be created and commemorated, to carry on some family blood line or some other such thing. Obviously, it's your right to have your own biological children but if you really love kids all that much and they're so precious and wonderful, why haven't you considered adoption? If there's so much love in your heart, why can't you extend it forward for children who already exist? Children who have been otherwise mistreated or abandoned? Or do you have some superiority complex that demands your bloodline is endangered or important? Although I don't fault people for having their own children if they are able, I find the stigma of biology rather silly. And could be considered borderline selfish, but Lord knows they don't want to be insulted the same way they insult child-free people with the word 'selfish'.
Why is my choice to lead my life towards joy seen as selfish anyway? I try to be a good person and follow my hopes and dreams. But if I don't put those dreams aside, I'm somehow selfish? There is seriously no other way I can redeem myself if I don't have kids? I don't find this to make a smidgen of sense. I want to be happy. If I know that having children is outside my desires, why is it selfish of me to NOT bring children into this world? I don't want to harbor feelings against children for ME not accomplishing my goals. So I'm going to work on accomplishing my goals. Why is it any concern to anyone else?
In an effort to show how judgmental these people are, I will admit, that for the past couple years, I've been using some of my free time (childfree time) to volunteer with special needs youth. Does that make me selfish? Think back to when you were expecting. Didn't you secretly hope you wouldn't have a disabled child? Of course we are humans and of course we are selfish. It's part of self-preservation. You're not going to wish to purposely have a disabled child because it is a lifetime of extra time, money and energy. If it happens, I wish you the strength, energy, resources and openness to accepting this challenge and opening your heart to it. These families astound me and I pray they have joy and strength. I'm writing this, not to applaud myself for my good deed but as an example to people who think childfree people are selfish. With the time we have not raising children, some of us make an effort to help those of you who do. Childfree people are capable of so much that still brings us joy and happiness and helps us find our fulfilled life. Just because I choose a different lifestyle than you does not make me selfish and you not. Nor does it make you selfish and me unselfish. We are human beings working towards joy and happiness. That is what is important.
So tell me again, do I know myself well enough to make my own life choices? Does the decision to not procreate make me categorizable into a stereotype? Or are we capable of so much more than these misunderstandings and labels?
