That time of year is upon us. Collectively known as "the holiday season" in the next six weeks we will be bombarded by Christmas ads, turkey dinners, travel, decorations, etc. that of course all come back to the family as the central part of the celebration.
(Sorry, Hanukkah, I know you're a big family-centric holiday too. Unfortunately, you don't get nearly the ad revenue that Christmas does.)
Every commercial, every film, every billboard shows big family gatherings, putting particular emphasis on toys for the kids, the kids' table at Thanksgiving- in other words the presence of children seem to be the definition of family. Don't have them? That means you won't have a true Thanksgiving or Christmas this year.
That's the argument that many of my more reproductive-minded acquaintances make. The common definition of a "normal family" is that of the nuclear family unit- two parents and children. The holidays and their advertised tradition of such a family makes the reproductive-minded turn to the child-free and say so pityingly, "You must be so lonely over the holidays- no family and all."
Newsflash: the child-free have families! We have large families!
I, for example, come from a large family. I have multiple siblings, some of whom have married, and a multitude of aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins' spouses, cousins' kids, second cousins, cousins-once-removed, great-aunts, grandparents, godparents and a few more friends of the family that are included in every family holiday and special occasion. I used to note how many new relatives I met at every one of my father's Thanksgivings. There was always a new second cousin, third cousin, father's cousin's second wife's father. As I write my family is currently planning how to get 15 to 17 of us into a cabin for Christmas, ages ranging from 2 to 96.
The assumption that family means having children is harmful not just to the child-free community but to an entire extended family. By not having children we actually have more time to spend with the family unit we were born into. We have our parents, our aunts, uncles, grandparents (for those lucky enough to still have their grandparents), and our siblings whom we spend the holidays with.
"But don't you want kids of your own to play Santa with? Don't you want to see them open Christmas presents, play tug-o-war with the wishbone at Thanksgiving?"
NO. You know how much stress parents have to deal with over the holidays? Cook a fantastic Thanksgiving feast with picky-eating children, or with children underfoot in the kitchen. Buying all the toys and gifts they want? EXPENSIVE.
And, despite popular belief, we do have children in our families. We have nieces, nephews, godchildren, and cousins' offspring aplenty to get the kid festivities of Christmas if we choose. (Note: we don't have to try and put them to bed on New Year's Eve so we can ring in the new year! Happy New Year to us! hahahaha!)
And that's just family that's blood. Our families also include our friends, neighbors- people whom we bring into our lives who are not our blood but who still become our family.
Being child-free (and for some of us unmarried, but more on that topic another time) we don't have to split holidays with spouses' families if we don't choose, just so people can see our children. Feel like saying "screw Christmas, we're going skiing in Switzerland this year"? We can, because we don't have kids whom are relying upon us to provide all the trimmings of the traditional holiday.
The child-free person's holidays are far from lonely, but in fact are free to devote as much time to a wider family than those who see the nuclear family as the only true family.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Duggars: Clown Car vs. Ruckers: Fostering Heroes
By now, we have all heard that the Duggars are expecting Child #20. Personally, this sickens me. I will admit I am not a fan of organized religion, especially when it includes mistakenly justifying the overpopulation of the Earth. (We are over 7 billion people for anyone who's counting.) I've tried to ignore this family and their show and what they stand for (using religion as an excuse to shirk 'family planning' based on technology... or at least using a freaking condom once in a while) but if you are interested in this frighteningly abnormal family, check out the link above. Also check out this article that claims that Michelle Duggar is technically a feminist because she made a life choice that makes her happy. Oh and this book that supposedly tells you that you are mistaken if you think having kids is expensive, cuz it's not and having kids is LOADS of fun. For those of you not following the link, the book is called "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think" by Bryan Caplan. The 'great' thing about this book (that I have NOT read) is that it openly lists the reasons as being SELFISH. At least, they admit it. But unfortunately they act as if it's a good thing to be 'selfish' and disregard your perceptions about using finances as a valid reason to abstain from (more) children.
Here's the thing. I don't personally want children but my wish is that more people educate themselves about this CHOICE that will have THE biggest effect on their lives more so than anything else they will ever do. Having kids is the one thing that you cannot 'undo'. You can get a divorce, you can change jobs, you can move cities but you cannot un-have children.
Maybe the Duggars are good people. Even though I don't agree with their religion and their reasoning for having children, they are providing a safe, loving home for their oodles of kids. (Although the kids can't possibly get the amount of parental attention they would like... especially since child-rearing duties are passed on to the other kids.) The kids are growing up with a set of morals (the religious background scares me - I can almost guarantee that an atheist never uses 'natural family planning') and they seem to be happy, positive people. Even though I don't agree with their religion or lifestyle, I can't help thinking what if the Duggars would have adopted 20 children? Now, it's possible that no adoption agency would place more kids in their crowded home but if the Duggars really have so much love to give, why couldn't they have cared for some of the other children on this Earth? They believe that children are a gift from God but their actions seem to say that it's only your genetic children. And this seems to be the mainstream attitude. And this really, really makes me sad.
Even though I don't want to spend my life in a caretaker role to children, I applaud those that open their hearts and homes to children who really need parents. I'm talking about those people who foster or adopt children that are not biologically their own. People like the Ruckers who have fostered over 45 children within 7 years. <----- Video available at the link. Another, shorter video available below.
I know the fostering system isn't perfect and there are abusive people who take advantage of the fostering system because of the stipend BUT people like this couple make my heart swell. People who are able to do this make me feel so much better about the world and so thankful for these loving, wonderful people.
But then I remember how much people are drawn to starting their 'own' family. When we don't stop and question the norms, we don't always reach our highest potential. Many times people do the 'marriage and kids' thing because it is just what people do. I always encourage people to really get in tune with what makes them happy, whether it's children or not, to really understand and explore what it is they want.
In my life, I understand the responsibilities and lifestyle changes that accompany having children. When I listen to myself and understand my calling and where my life is leading me, I can tell that having children isn't for me. And I can't change that, as much as I can't change the fact that I'm not called to be a doctor. Were my life's motivation to change drastically (not likely), I hope that I would have the strength to foster children. I don't have the urge to birth children and I honestly don't like the baby years. I like kids who are more dependent (i.e. potty trained!) so the leap to being a foster parent would make sense, were it to be what I want. But, it's not. And I can't change that. But it doesn't stop me from wanting so badly for children in foster care to find the loving homes they deserve.
Wanting a childfree life for myself does not mean I want children to suffer. It helps me see the world from a different viewpoint. I see thousands of children in every nation that suffer from lack of a loving home environment in which to grow into strong, happy people who can do great things. I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up feeling inadequate because their biological parents were unable to care for them (hence needing to promote more options and education on contraception!). I can't imagine what these children must feel and it breaks my heart. I was born into a two parent home and had all of my needs met so I can easily follow my dreams and make something of myself. But these children in foster care, despite any of the problems they may carry around with them, are no 'worse' than any children a couple may biologically have. There are no guarantees in life. People are inclined to have their own children because a) it happens b) they want to see what their kids would look like c) they want a fairy tale family. So do these kids.
If anyone happens to be reading this blog, anyone who actually isn't childfree, PLEASE ask yourself if you have room in your heart and in your home to reconsider fostering children. Wait, watch the videos below. THEN ask yourself.
The following video is from March 2010, but I'm sure the numbers are still as unsettling.
This next video is from Jan 2010 about a family who did adopt and foster and you can hear the journalist tearing up as he finishes the story.
You might tear up as you watch these kids talk about getting adopted when you see the smiles on their faces.....
Okay, last tearjerker video. From the same series as the one above.
SO... If you live a life in which you want to be a parent, PLEASE open your mind and your heart to the idea of fostering and/or adopting. How much different would our world be if we encouraged people to not only be more responsible for their own reproductive power but to see their own possible power when it comes to the impact on one's community?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why aren't the villagers more concerned? I'm an Auntie for life but I still do my part in the village! What are you being called to do?
Addendum: (11/11/11 at 7:45 am) To clarify, I'm not saying that I look down upon those that have their own birth children but I highly encourage those who wish to add more children to their family really consider adoption and/or fostering as options in their lives.
Here's the thing. I don't personally want children but my wish is that more people educate themselves about this CHOICE that will have THE biggest effect on their lives more so than anything else they will ever do. Having kids is the one thing that you cannot 'undo'. You can get a divorce, you can change jobs, you can move cities but you cannot un-have children.
Maybe the Duggars are good people. Even though I don't agree with their religion and their reasoning for having children, they are providing a safe, loving home for their oodles of kids. (Although the kids can't possibly get the amount of parental attention they would like... especially since child-rearing duties are passed on to the other kids.) The kids are growing up with a set of morals (the religious background scares me - I can almost guarantee that an atheist never uses 'natural family planning') and they seem to be happy, positive people. Even though I don't agree with their religion or lifestyle, I can't help thinking what if the Duggars would have adopted 20 children? Now, it's possible that no adoption agency would place more kids in their crowded home but if the Duggars really have so much love to give, why couldn't they have cared for some of the other children on this Earth? They believe that children are a gift from God but their actions seem to say that it's only your genetic children. And this seems to be the mainstream attitude. And this really, really makes me sad.
Even though I don't want to spend my life in a caretaker role to children, I applaud those that open their hearts and homes to children who really need parents. I'm talking about those people who foster or adopt children that are not biologically their own. People like the Ruckers who have fostered over 45 children within 7 years. <----- Video available at the link. Another, shorter video available below.
I know the fostering system isn't perfect and there are abusive people who take advantage of the fostering system because of the stipend BUT people like this couple make my heart swell. People who are able to do this make me feel so much better about the world and so thankful for these loving, wonderful people.
But then I remember how much people are drawn to starting their 'own' family. When we don't stop and question the norms, we don't always reach our highest potential. Many times people do the 'marriage and kids' thing because it is just what people do. I always encourage people to really get in tune with what makes them happy, whether it's children or not, to really understand and explore what it is they want.
In my life, I understand the responsibilities and lifestyle changes that accompany having children. When I listen to myself and understand my calling and where my life is leading me, I can tell that having children isn't for me. And I can't change that, as much as I can't change the fact that I'm not called to be a doctor. Were my life's motivation to change drastically (not likely), I hope that I would have the strength to foster children. I don't have the urge to birth children and I honestly don't like the baby years. I like kids who are more dependent (i.e. potty trained!) so the leap to being a foster parent would make sense, were it to be what I want. But, it's not. And I can't change that. But it doesn't stop me from wanting so badly for children in foster care to find the loving homes they deserve.
Wanting a childfree life for myself does not mean I want children to suffer. It helps me see the world from a different viewpoint. I see thousands of children in every nation that suffer from lack of a loving home environment in which to grow into strong, happy people who can do great things. I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up feeling inadequate because their biological parents were unable to care for them (hence needing to promote more options and education on contraception!). I can't imagine what these children must feel and it breaks my heart. I was born into a two parent home and had all of my needs met so I can easily follow my dreams and make something of myself. But these children in foster care, despite any of the problems they may carry around with them, are no 'worse' than any children a couple may biologically have. There are no guarantees in life. People are inclined to have their own children because a) it happens b) they want to see what their kids would look like c) they want a fairy tale family. So do these kids.
If anyone happens to be reading this blog, anyone who actually isn't childfree, PLEASE ask yourself if you have room in your heart and in your home to reconsider fostering children. Wait, watch the videos below. THEN ask yourself.
The following video is from March 2010, but I'm sure the numbers are still as unsettling.
This next video is from Jan 2010 about a family who did adopt and foster and you can hear the journalist tearing up as he finishes the story.
You might tear up as you watch these kids talk about getting adopted when you see the smiles on their faces.....
Okay, last tearjerker video. From the same series as the one above.
SO... If you live a life in which you want to be a parent, PLEASE open your mind and your heart to the idea of fostering and/or adopting. How much different would our world be if we encouraged people to not only be more responsible for their own reproductive power but to see their own possible power when it comes to the impact on one's community?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why aren't the villagers more concerned? I'm an Auntie for life but I still do my part in the village! What are you being called to do?
Addendum: (11/11/11 at 7:45 am) To clarify, I'm not saying that I look down upon those that have their own birth children but I highly encourage those who wish to add more children to their family really consider adoption and/or fostering as options in their lives.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Going Against the Grain
When you stop and consider how socially revolutionary it is to say 'I don't want kids,' it tends to follow that other societal 'norms' are easier to eschew. On a whole, I guess I've questioned a lot of things.... I don't follow religion, I don't want to buy into real estate and be tied down, I don't see the lure of marriage in my future and I've recently come to terms with not wanting a 'real' job. And at age 26, I'm learning (or at least telling myself) that this is okay. It's slightly scary but also liberating. And I'm quite glad that I've taken the time and been able to make these important choices on what is best for ME rather than cave into the pressures and go down a road (job, house, spouse and kids) that might not be right for me.
In society, across all cultural barriers, humans put pressure on their offspring and their peers to follow the most popular and accepted path but this fails to allow people to customize their lives. You can customize your car, your home, your phone, your computer, even your lawn but we aren't really encouraged to customize our life choices. Sure, you can choose a career but that is one of the identifiers humans put on ourselves. 'I'm a doctor' or 'he's a lawyer' or 'she's a human resources manager'. Many unemployed people feel worthless because they built their identity around a job that they no longer have.
Go to a bar, meet a stranger and they'll ask 'What do you do?'. This question is one of my pet peeves. I'm not at a bar to talk about work. (I'm usually at a bar to forget about work!) My work doesn't define me and frankly, explaining the 2.5 jobs I do to make ends meet will bore you AND me, so please don't ask!
I was recently thinking of creating a 'State of the Union Address' for my girlfriends so they could see where I stand on big issues right now (since we don't talk as often as we used to) but I might as well share it here. After all, for those child-minded, they may like to see the thoughts of one childfree mind. (I speak only for myself.)
This doesn't mean that I have no aspirations in life and that I'm just floating around. On the contrary! My life, when not working for money or sleeping, is spent pursuing many activities that give me fulfillment: volunteering, writing, making music, watching movies, dancing, spending time with family and friends, traveling, taking photos, learning languages, making art, performing, etc. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can find something to occupy the time that won't be spent raising children!) I work on these things in hopes that I am preparing myself for future opportunities that will allow me to leave my humdrum jobs and use these talents to make money. At this point in my life, I just need to make money. Besides being creative and entertaining, there isn't a certain 'career' that calls out to me. I just had to come to terms with that because that is how I am wired and that is where I am in life at this point. (No quarter-life crisis necessary. PASS!)
I don't condemn people that truly want a family or really enjoy a certain career path. My focus is on promoting choices. If you choose employment or a career, children or childfree, a planted home or an RV, a religion or reason, make sure it is something you feel deep inside your bones, your flesh, your very being. There is no one way to live, no one route to happiness.
I may not know what the next 60+(?) years of my life hold in store but I will do my best every day to be glad for each passing moment, month, and year that I'm allowed to learn and grow as a person in the adventure that only I can live! Best wishes to you on your adventure!
*Remember you either get older or you die, so quit your complaining!*
In society, across all cultural barriers, humans put pressure on their offspring and their peers to follow the most popular and accepted path but this fails to allow people to customize their lives. You can customize your car, your home, your phone, your computer, even your lawn but we aren't really encouraged to customize our life choices. Sure, you can choose a career but that is one of the identifiers humans put on ourselves. 'I'm a doctor' or 'he's a lawyer' or 'she's a human resources manager'. Many unemployed people feel worthless because they built their identity around a job that they no longer have.
Go to a bar, meet a stranger and they'll ask 'What do you do?'. This question is one of my pet peeves. I'm not at a bar to talk about work. (I'm usually at a bar to forget about work!) My work doesn't define me and frankly, explaining the 2.5 jobs I do to make ends meet will bore you AND me, so please don't ask!
I was recently thinking of creating a 'State of the Union Address' for my girlfriends so they could see where I stand on big issues right now (since we don't talk as often as we used to) but I might as well share it here. After all, for those child-minded, they may like to see the thoughts of one childfree mind. (I speak only for myself.)
- Religion: I find religion to be disconcerting, not because it challenges you to hold your behavior to a higher standard but because it is run by fallible humans who claim to have divinely inspired knowledge about events or phenomena outside of our comprehension (or era) while simultaneously trying to fit humans into little boxes that restrict activities for sometimes very bizarre reasons. I do believe in a spiritual connection and power but it seems a waste of time to worry on the details.
- Politics: Ugh. A dirty system meant to benefit the people in office and those that bribe them. I have little faith in the political system. It and religion are more linked than they should be.
- Romance: After going on a couple dates with compatible Childfree males, I had to listen to myself and realize, I may actually be a 'single-minded' person. I'm more inclined to stay home and work on my projects that make me happy than to foster a relationship with just one other person. I've spent the majority of my life single and happy and I'll be fine if I stay that way. Finding another person is such a pressure on most people that they lose focus on just exploring their own personality and being happy in their own skin. I'm also not sure I understand the concept of 'forever'. Since I don't have kids and won't have any in my future, I would be able to cut myself off from exes a heck of a lot easier than those who procreate. Thank goodness! Again, relationships are just one of those things that people are pressured into sometimes without thinking about it. Once I actually considered it and realized what I was leaning towards, I discovered I may be a lone agent but it still makes me happy. (But I'll add the cliché: 'Who knows what the future holds?')
- Career: No career path and okay with that. This is one of the most recent revelations I've had. I had an opportunity at my workplace to double my money and quadruple my workload. Luckily, it took them three weeks to post that position and in that ample time, I was my usual 'pendulum' self, going back and forth on my decision-making process, polling people and picking out nice apartments I could afford without going over the 'no more than 30% of your income goes toward housing' rule. After really mulling over what I want in my life, really searching deep inside my true self, I decided that the more intense job would give me undesired stress in something I really had no interest in doing. It would also drain me of energy needed for my more important projects I do at home. These projects are what I eventually want to receive money for doing so it makes no sense to put money at the forefront if it pushes my desires to the backburner. THIS is a huge step for me. I'm able to make enough money at an unchallenging job in order to do the things I want to do and THAT is fine.
This doesn't mean that I have no aspirations in life and that I'm just floating around. On the contrary! My life, when not working for money or sleeping, is spent pursuing many activities that give me fulfillment: volunteering, writing, making music, watching movies, dancing, spending time with family and friends, traveling, taking photos, learning languages, making art, performing, etc. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can find something to occupy the time that won't be spent raising children!) I work on these things in hopes that I am preparing myself for future opportunities that will allow me to leave my humdrum jobs and use these talents to make money. At this point in my life, I just need to make money. Besides being creative and entertaining, there isn't a certain 'career' that calls out to me. I just had to come to terms with that because that is how I am wired and that is where I am in life at this point. (No quarter-life crisis necessary. PASS!)
I don't condemn people that truly want a family or really enjoy a certain career path. My focus is on promoting choices. If you choose employment or a career, children or childfree, a planted home or an RV, a religion or reason, make sure it is something you feel deep inside your bones, your flesh, your very being. There is no one way to live, no one route to happiness.
I may not know what the next 60+(?) years of my life hold in store but I will do my best every day to be glad for each passing moment, month, and year that I'm allowed to learn and grow as a person in the adventure that only I can live! Best wishes to you on your adventure!
*Remember you either get older or you die, so quit your complaining!*
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