Book Review of "Women Without Children: The reasons, the rewards, the regrets" by Susan S. Lang

 Book Review of: 
Women Without Children: The reasons, the rewards, the regrets
by Susan S. Lang

This is another book written in the 90's (published in 1991). Like the previous book, I would recommend this book to anyone, parent or not. Also, like the previous book, I had renewed it four times at the library because it's taken me a while to find time to read. 

I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it. The tone was that of a research paper and was very thorough, examining every facet of the situation and all the different ways women find themselves without children. 

I found a lot of interesting historical facts as the author recounted the history of childlessness. One was that post Civil War days, the youngest daughter was usually expected to stay single and care for the aging parents. Another was the fact that during the Great Depression, many couples made sure they didn't have kids, via one method or another because they literally couldn't afford a(nother) child when they couldn't even find food for themselves!

I loved hearing some of the thoughts of women in this book, specifically a spitfire 100 year old woman who maintained that if you are lonely in your old age, it's your own fault! (She was emphasizing the importance of creating the life you want to lead with people you want to spend time with.) 

One of the reasons so many books were written about the childfree choice in the 90's, from what I can tell after having read all these books, is that the baby boom of the 80s and 90s was in full swing. Women were trying to have it all and it was (and is) incredible and impossible. 

The author did a great job with the subject of infertility and highlighting that a person has to mourn before they can accept and either decide to adopt or to remain without children. 

There were LOTS of good quotes in this book. 
- p 140 "She didn't downgrade the importance of motherhood but rather began to upgrade the value of her own life."
- p 153 "It's probably a blessing for the children never born to me that I didn't have them."
- p 171 "It's not that our past rules our present, but rather, that it inhabits our present." (I had first read it as 'inhibit', which I almost like more)
- p 180 "Planned Parenthood has a saying that friends can get you pregnant faster than husbands." (referring to the validation women seek amongst friends for their choices.)

 I really enjoyed this book. I noticed I didn't take as many notes on this book as I had done with the others I've reviewed previously. I don't know if that was because I really wanted to finish this book (it's overdue at the library), I'm kind of burnt out on the childfree literary topic, the tone of the book had less super-important facts, or what it may have been. I will provide two snapshots of quotes on loss that I REALLY like. They were written in terms of infertility, but I find them very applicable to everyday living.  

p 142

 
p 179

So, this book is very much recommendable to others, despite being legal to drink (the book was published in 1991.... it's 2012? Oh forget it.) A lot of the information in here is very interesting. It's very academic in nature, which means it's more unbiased and informative and observant in nature. This and the book before are perfect delegates, diplomats, lessons for anyone on either side of the parent/nonparent discussion. And this may be the last childfree book review for quite a while, unless the library comes pushes out those other requests I have. But I'm most definitely looking forward to filling my brain with new topics! PEACE!

Happy Not-a-Mother's Day!

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Being child free, of course I was not served breakfast in bed, nor did I receive flowers or a card. To many parents this should make me sad, because I am missing out on the gratitude of children I don't have. I'll even forgive people for warping the holiday into a day for doting on Mom, despite it's original purpose as a war protest. As ScribbleScribe and I have discussed, all the teary Hallmark commercials in the world wouldn't change our minds about being CF. But one of the biggest myths that haunts CFers is that being child free means you hate children. There are many child free people who don't like kids. I don't deny that. But just because we don't want to have kids doesn't mean we don't love and care for our own younger relatives. My own aunts provided immense support to my parents bringing up myself and my siblings. Which leads me to ask: why is there not an Aunt's Day? Many CF women proudly carry the title aunt, or auntie in my case, since my "nieces and nephews" are actually my cousins kids. We like being the fun aunts who get the chance to spoil the kids from time to time, take them off of mom's hands and handing them back. But there are aunts who do more than help out by babysitting from time to time. In many cultures around the world, aunts are integral parts of raising children. Often they are the first choice for parents in their wills to care for kids in the event of the parents' demise. Being a CF aunt means you can dedicate more time to helping your nieces and nephews. For that matter it's not just aunts that should get their own day. Godmothers, great-aunts, friends who are almost like aunts- we all have some influence and part to play. Foster mothers as well get ignored on the auspicious holiday, despite the fact that they open their homes and their hearts to the toughest cases, who only stay with them a short time before they bounce back through the system. So for all the CFers who help you with your kids, say a little thank you. (Note: I did send my own mother and grandmother flowers for the holiday. I'm not saying we shouldn't thank the good mothers of the world, and mine is a pretty darn good one.)

Book Review of "Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood" by Leslie Lafayette

Book Review of "Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood" by Leslie Lafayette

This book, although published in 1995, is still full of good information and is actually written in a positive enough tone that one could recommend it to anyone interested in learning about the Childfree (CF... or as we like to call it: IOD) lifestyle. The author is the founder of The Childfree Network (for which I can't actually find a webpage...).

Lafayette pretty much covers everything, including then-relevant-information on how to form and maintain a childfree group, including troubleshooting issues. Finding such an environment in 2012 is considerably easier since one can turn to the internet for nearly everything.

In the interest of NOT putting the author's text online, I won't list out the items on the chapters she creates, but tell you what chapters are (table of contents) and what I thought.

PART ONE: EXPLORING THE ISSUES
Chapter 1: Living Childfree Isn't For Sissies -  The author mentions how people will butt into a person's personal life with questions and assumptions. The author points out that if you are so worried what people think, you probably aren't going to have an easy time being a parent either, because everyone has an opinion about what you do with your kids too.

Chapter 2: Why Do We Have Children? Let's Take a Closer Look - Lafayette lists ten reasons people have children, only ONE of which is the result of careful consideration with a partner (or support system). The list to me seems more or less accurate, but scary too. I would LOVE if more people examined the choice thoroughly to give themselves and their children the best chance at a good life.

Chapter 3: Common Misconceptions and Fears About People Who Don't Have Kids - All of the examples given are pretty standard justifications that fearful parents use to judge others and make themselves feel better. And as someone who is living a fulfilled and happy life, they are pretty insulting but typical.

Chapter 4: Separating the Myths of Parenthood From the Realities - The author insists we must be realistic and stop glorifying parenthood, even if it deters some people from becoming parents... because some parents DO regret having children. More knowledge the better, and I totally agree. She references an Ann Landers poll of 10,000 readers in which 70% of responders said that if they had known then what they know now, they would NOT have had kids again! This isn't to say these people didn't love their children, but just that they admit they weren't knowledgeable enough when the time came. The author lists some 'Positive Parenthood Propaganda' that we all hear time and again when people try to convince others to have kids. The author also lists other things a person can do instead of having kids.

Chapter 5: Menopausal Madness and the Infertility Treadmill - The author says that 30% of the members of The Childfree Network had dealt with infertility. She says that it's shameful that more doctors don't encourage infertile couples to consider a childfree lifestyle instead of spending thousands of dollars on physically and emotionally damaging treatments that only have a 50% success rate. To me, I'd love to see adoption encouraged, but I know that a lot of people build up the idea of a biological baby in their mind til it seems to separate from the reality of having a child. The author talked about how infertile couples need to be able to make a transition and own their infertility and not let it overtake their lives. She also talks about some polled older women and how they create regrets in their older years as a result of cultural pressure. She calls it revisionist history.

Chapter 6: Papa's Got a Brand New Bag: The Male Perspective - This chapter is geared towards men as they face the choice and the cultural pressure to 'be a man' by having kids. She gives a list of what men fear about Children. I really like one man quoted saying that a child should be number one, but he is mature enough to realize he can't or won't put a child in that spot above all else. <--- I think this is completely deserving of respect, and I wish more pressuring parents would realize that! I LOVE when I run into people who don't bother me about it and don't try to convince me that their lifestyle will work for me. I LOVE it. I'll have to write an entry about that!

Chapter 7: That Old Pronatalism Has Me In Its Spell - The author says everyone has the pressure in our culture: If you're single, you need to get married. If you're married, you need to have a child. If you're remarried, you need to have a child together. It's true and really quite dizzying. She then details how this pressure plays out with religion, advertising, government, workplace discrimination and political correctness. She then lists suggestions for removal of pronatalist legislation, workplace benefits to be more general, advertisements to stop showing unrealistic versions of families and babies and for churches to stop pushing procreation.

Chapter 8: The Parenthood Test -  The author provides a very thorough and helpful examination that EVERYONE should be encouraged to take. It's wonderful to really consider these things when it's the BIGGEST decision a person will ever make in their lifetime! The author stressed that even though you may take this test and realize, you could be a good parent, you're not obligated to do it.

Part Two: Living Fully
Chapter 9: The Childfree Choice - The author gives a list of positive and negatives one may encounter when choosing a childfree life. She also draws a line between childless and childfree. The author is someone who battled infertility and was childless until she allowed herself to accept and embrace her life and become childfree.

Chapter 10: Making the Most of Living Childfree - The author lists ten great things you can do when you're Childfree. One of which is actually including kids in your life. She points out that many childfree people can be mentors and support systems for other kids and I love that. That's my aim as an aunt and a volunteer. I realize my talents are best utilized in segments with time restraints! I'm not high energy and know I'm better off in my life as an aunt/volunteer.

Chapter 11: Making New Friends and Keeping the Old Ones - This chapter actually made me feel really hopeful and happy, giving me great ideas on how to keep my parent friends in my life. The author recognized that some friendships won't last, but when both parties make an effort, it leads to great things. The author gave a list of things to do when your friends become parents in order to maintain a great relationship AND encouraged the Childfree to nurture their own relationships with other childfree people, as parents do with other parents. I know it's very hard to get together with my friends who are parents because we are BOTH so very busy with our lives, but since they support me and my lifestyle choice, I definitely want to be there for them too and have to try to get in touch as often as I can. I'll admit, it's a bit strange at times, since I don't find myself to be naturally drawn to babies or children. The baby age is the age that makes me know quite certainly that I never want to give birth. I like kids that have been potty trained a few years and can be on their own a bit. But spending time with my friends and their very young children is great because it is a reminder of the reality of just how much work they are putting into their life and their child. A person has to REALLY want that! And my friends will admit how much work it is. But anyway, back to the book review...

Chapter 12: No Regrets - The author encouraged those who choose Childfree to remember the difference between ideals and reality. She also pointed out that a person is only as happy as they choose to be, so you need to really own your life, no matter whether you choose kids or not! And she warned that regret may pop up later, but you need to be prepared. She also mentioned a quote about how much better it is to be OUTSIDE of the stock market and wishing to be IN, than to be IN the stock market, wishing to be OUT!

The author then gave an epilogue about how to form a ChildFree Chapter. The info is slightly outdated but interesting if and when creating a group.
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So my thoughts on the book. It's a great resource for people considering whether or not to have kids. It's also nice for parents who may want to understand the perspective of their childfree friends. It would be great for those dealing with infertility as well. This book is positive enough to hand to anyone! ;)P