There are many ways to live one's life. Most of the world chooses to procreate, but what about those who don't? This blog highlights those who are choosing to be 'Independent of Dependents' and leading happy, healthy lives. We aren't freaks of nature, but rational human beings. Curious to learn? Read on...
This is another book written in the 90's (published in 1991). Like the previous book, I would recommend this book to anyone, parent or not. Also, like the previous book, I had renewed it four times at the library because it's taken me a while to find time to read.
I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it. The tone was that of a research paper and was very thorough, examining every facet of the situation and all the different ways women find themselves without children.
I found a lot of interesting historical facts as the author recounted the history of childlessness. One was that post Civil War days, the youngest daughter was usually expected to stay single and care for the aging parents. Another was the fact that during the Great Depression, many couples made sure they didn't have kids, via one method or another because they literally couldn't afford a(nother) child when they couldn't even find food for themselves!
I loved hearing some of the thoughts of women in this book, specifically a spitfire 100 year old woman who maintained that if you are lonely in your old age, it's your own fault! (She was emphasizing the importance of creating the life you want to lead with people you want to spend time with.)
One of the reasons so many books were written about the childfree choice in the 90's, from what I can tell after having read all these books, is that the baby boom of the 80s and 90s was in full swing. Women were trying to have it all and it was (and is) incredible and impossible.
The author did a great job with the subject of infertility and highlighting that a person has to mourn before they can accept and either decide to adopt or to remain without children.
There were LOTS of good quotes in this book. - p 140 "She didn't downgrade the importance of motherhood but rather began to upgrade the value of her own life." - p 153 "It's probably a blessing for the children never born to me that I didn't have them." - p 171 "It's not that our past rules our present, but rather, that it inhabits our present." (I had first read it as 'inhibit', which I almost like more) - p 180 "Planned Parenthood has a saying that friends can get you pregnant faster than husbands." (referring to the validation women seek amongst friends for their choices.)
I really enjoyed this book. I noticed I didn't take as many notes on this book as I had done with the others I've reviewed previously. I don't know if that was because I really wanted to finish this book (it's overdue at the library), I'm kind of burnt out on the childfree literary topic, the tone of the book had less super-important facts, or what it may have been. I will provide two snapshots of quotes on loss that I REALLY like. They were written in terms of infertility, but I find them very applicable to everyday living.
p 142
p 179
So, this book is very much recommendable to others, despite being legal to drink (the book was published in 1991.... it's 2012? Oh forget it.) A lot of the information in here is very interesting. It's very academic in nature, which means it's more unbiased and informative and observant in nature. This and the book before are perfect delegates, diplomats, lessons for anyone on either side of the parent/nonparent discussion. And this may be the last childfree book review for quite a while, unless the library comes pushes out those other requests I have. But I'm most definitely looking forward to filling my brain with new topics! PEACE!
This book, although published in 1995, is still full of good information and is actually written in a positive enough tone that one could recommend it to anyone interested in learning about the Childfree (CF... or as we like to call it: IOD) lifestyle. The author is the founder of The Childfree Network (for which I can't actually find a webpage...).
Lafayette pretty much covers everything, including then-relevant-information on how to form and maintain a childfree group, including troubleshooting issues. Finding such an environment in 2012 is considerably easier since one can turn to the internet for nearly everything.
In the interest of NOT putting the author's text online, I won't list out the items on the chapters she creates, but tell you what chapters are (table of contents) and what I thought.
PART ONE: EXPLORING THE ISSUES Chapter 1: Living Childfree Isn't For Sissies - The author mentions how people will butt into a person's personal life with questions and assumptions. The author points out that if you are so worried what people think, you probably aren't going to have an easy time being a parent either, because everyone has an opinion about what you do with your kids too.
Chapter 2: Why Do We Have Children? Let's Take a Closer Look - Lafayette lists ten reasons people have children, only ONE of which is the result of careful consideration with a partner (or support system). The list to me seems more or less accurate, but scary too. I would LOVE if more people examined the choice thoroughly to give themselves and their children the best chance at a good life.
Chapter 3: Common Misconceptions and Fears About People Who Don't Have Kids - All of the examples given are pretty standard justifications that fearful parents use to judge others and make themselves feel better. And as someone who is living a fulfilled and happy life, they are pretty insulting but typical.
Chapter 4: Separating the Myths of Parenthood From the Realities - The author insists we must be realistic and stop glorifying parenthood, even if it deters some people from becoming parents... because some parents DO regret having children. More knowledge the better, and I totally agree. She references an Ann Landers poll of 10,000 readers in which 70% of responders said that if they had known then what they know now, they would NOT have had kids again! This isn't to say these people didn't love their children, but just that they admit they weren't knowledgeable enough when the time came. The author lists some 'Positive Parenthood Propaganda' that we all hear time and again when people try to convince others to have kids. The author also lists other things a person can do instead of having kids.
Chapter 5: Menopausal Madness and the Infertility Treadmill - The author says that 30% of the members of The Childfree Network had dealt with infertility. She says that it's shameful that more doctors don't encourage infertile couples to consider a childfree lifestyle instead of spending thousands of dollars on physically and emotionally damaging treatments that only have a 50% success rate. To me, I'd love to see adoption encouraged, but I know that a lot of people build up the idea of a biological baby in their mind til it seems to separate from the reality of having a child. The author talked about how infertile couples need to be able to make a transition and own their infertility and not let it overtake their lives. She also talks about some polled older women and how they create regrets in their older years as a result of cultural pressure. She calls it revisionist history.
Chapter 6: Papa's Got a Brand New Bag: The Male Perspective - This chapter is geared towards men as they face the choice and the cultural pressure to 'be a man' by having kids. She gives a list of what men fear about Children. I really like one man quoted saying that a child should be number one, but he is mature enough to realize he can't or won't put a child in that spot above all else. <--- I think this is completely deserving of respect, and I wish more pressuring parents would realize that! I LOVE when I run into people who don't bother me about it and don't try to convince me that their lifestyle will work for me. I LOVE it. I'll have to write an entry about that!
Chapter 7: That Old Pronatalism Has Me In Its Spell - The author says everyone has the pressure in our culture: If you're single, you need to get married. If you're married, you need to have a child. If you're remarried, you need to have a child together. It's true and really quite dizzying. She then details how this pressure plays out with religion, advertising, government, workplace discrimination and political correctness. She then lists suggestions for removal of pronatalist legislation, workplace benefits to be more general, advertisements to stop showing unrealistic versions of families and babies and for churches to stop pushing procreation.
Chapter 8: The Parenthood Test - The author provides a very thorough and helpful examination that EVERYONE should be encouraged to take. It's wonderful to really consider these things when it's the BIGGEST decision a person will ever make in their lifetime! The author stressed that even though you may take this test and realize, you could be a good parent, you're not obligated to do it.
Part Two: Living Fully Chapter 9: The Childfree Choice - The author gives a list of positive and negatives one may encounter when choosing a childfree life. She also draws a line between childless and childfree. The author is someone who battled infertility and was childless until she allowed herself to accept and embrace her life and become childfree.
Chapter 10: Making the Most of Living Childfree - The author lists ten great things you can do when you're Childfree. One of which is actually including kids in your life. She points out that many childfree people can be mentors and support systems for other kids and I love that. That's my aim as an aunt and a volunteer. I realize my talents are best utilized in segments with time restraints! I'm not high energy and know I'm better off in my life as an aunt/volunteer.
Chapter 11: Making New Friends and Keeping the Old Ones - This chapter actually made me feel really hopeful and happy, giving me great ideas on how to keep my parent friends in my life. The author recognized that some friendships won't last, but when both parties make an effort, it leads to great things. The author gave a list of things to do when your friends become parents in order to maintain a great relationship AND encouraged the Childfree to nurture their own relationships with other childfree people, as parents do with other parents. I know it's very hard to get together with my friends who are parents because we are BOTH so very busy with our lives, but since they support me and my lifestyle choice, I definitely want to be there for them too and have to try to get in touch as often as I can. I'll admit, it's a bit strange at times, since I don't find myself to be naturally drawn to babies or children. The baby age is the age that makes me know quite certainly that I never want to give birth. I like kids that have been potty trained a few years and can be on their own a bit. But spending time with my friends and their very young children is great because it is a reminder of the reality of just how much work they are putting into their life and their child. A person has to REALLY want that! And my friends will admit how much work it is. But anyway, back to the book review...
Chapter 12: No Regrets - The author encouraged those who choose Childfree to remember the difference between ideals and reality. She also pointed out that a person is only as happy as they choose to be, so you need to really own your life, no matter whether you choose kids or not! And she warned that regret may pop up later, but you need to be prepared. She also mentioned a quote about how much better it is to be OUTSIDE of the stock market and wishing to be IN, than to be IN the stock market, wishing to be OUT!
The author then gave an epilogue about how to form a ChildFree Chapter. The info is slightly outdated but interesting if and when creating a group.
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So my thoughts on the book. It's a great resource for people considering whether or not to have kids. It's also nice for parents who may want to understand the perspective of their childfree friends. It would be great for those dealing with infertility as well. This book is positive enough to hand to anyone! ;)P
Throughout history, there has always been an ongoing war on women and in the U.S., it's currently being led by religious conservative lawmakers, known to us as Republicans. I'm not drawing a line in the sand, but looking at one that was already drawn, long before I got to the beach. If you ask many people, they will tell you there are only two parties in the U.S.of A: Republican (Conservative) and Democrat (Liberal). There are members of each that see their political party of choice as 'right' and the other party is automatically 'wrong'. Therefore, they have drawn a line in the sand and refuse to step anywhere near that line, instead pointing fingers and calling names at the people on the other side. Lovely, isn't it?
I was raised Catholic, but before long, found my way to a frame of mind that is friendlier and more at peace with my beliefs and inner workings. Each person in this country has a right to choose a religion or to choose no religion. But some Christian-based lawmakers are not content with the separation of Church and State and want to enforce their religious beliefs on the citizens of a supposedly secular nation. I, as non-Republican and non-Democrat, and a woman, have a HUGE problem with this, as do many people I know, male and female.
In the news recently, there are many things that go against the principles of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There are many Republican lawmakers aiming to criminalize abortion, to deny access to contraception, to basically punish women for wanting to make choices about their procreative life. I'm going to provide links to these articles, briefly explain them and let you fume on them with me.
IN THE NEWS:
States are passing "personhood" bills to say that life begins at conception and to give rights to fetuses. This law, if interpreted strictly, could have unintended consequences: bans on contraception, criminalizing rape victims and convicting women suffering miscarriages as guilty of involuntary manslaughter. Obviously, one may say, no one's going to take it that far. But then, what is the point of decreeing that a fetus is a person? It is simply a matter of religious agenda, meant to hamper the right of a woman to choose. http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/02/16/us-anti-abortion-senate-idUSTRE81F29920120216
Oh and apparently an amendment was made to the Oklahoma personhood bill that says masturbation "shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child" What fresh hell?! Oh, and don't even think about putting your aborted human fetus in food either, because that's in the bill too, even though there's no reason to believe it's ever happened. <smacks head>
Here's an image I created to explain how I feel about personhood bills:
When an sperm and an egg combine, you get a zygote, which will possibly develop into a human, but not necessarily so. To say that it IS a human is to count all your eggs before they hatch, which the old adage tells us NOT to do.
In Virginia, a bill was passed, and will most likely be signed by the conservative governor, that says a woman who wants to receive an abortion MUST have an ultrasound. Since many abortions are done within the first 12 weeks, most women will be forced to have a probe inserted into their vagina, whether they want to or not. Pretty close to rape, actually. That's right. A woman who chooses to have an abortion is going to be penetrated whether she consents or not. Some of the supporters in the article seem to indicate that she was already penetrated once and that's why she's pregnant, so she lost the right to complain about this penetration. But they just want these women to have 'more information'. According to a study: "Weitz summarized her findings in 2010 when she said that “women do not
have abortions because they believe the fetus is not a human or because
they don’t know the truth.” The only reason for this bill is to emotionally blackmail a woman and make her feel guilty. The creators of this bill assume that a woman can't comprehend what a pregnancy means. I'm pretty sure these woman know full-well what a pregnancy entails.... hence abortion. Basically a woman will be penetrated against her will AND have to foot the bill for the medical rape. Way to punish women for a choice YOU wouldn't make.The link to this horrendous bit of news.
Original link here. March is actually scarily close to the one above, but February is detailed below. So half of this is already true. And all of it is f-ing scary/ridiculous/asinine.
This next bit is a link to how the GOP bitch-slapped women 3 times in one day: (1) ZERO women were present during a hearing on religious freedom and contraception and one woman who DID want to speak was denied because "she wasn’t “appropriate or qualified” to discuss the topic at hand.". (2) Female attendees of a conservative convention were scolded for dressing "“frumpish” or “like two-bit whores. (3) Rick Santorum's billionare backer, Foster Friess, said that women stuck aspirin between their knees as contraception. WAH?!?! Yeah. From the article: "So there you have it: modern women being told by Republicans that
they’re not qualified to talk about their own sexual health, are dressed
like “whores” and probably need birth control because they’re so
slutty. And this is just in one day." Here's the video of that asshat:
And here's the woman the GOP refused to let speak. BOOYAH!
These three articles/links above are just a small sample of the infuriating amount of punishment being bestowed upon women as part of a religious agenda that has crept into our supposed secular nation. I say 'supposed secular nation' because with so many politicians emphasizing their religion and creating laws that focus on the sexual beliefs of THEIR religion, it is clear that these individuals cannot separate their personal religion from their duty to their constituents to represent them and create fair laws for a nation of people of varying backgrounds.
Other infuriating articles:
Female Fox Pundit indicates that women in the military should 'expect' to be raped and also uttered the phrase "raped too much" as if there is a certain number of times that rape is acceptable. LINK HERE.
A bill has been proposed in New Hampshire to prevent cops from making arrests in domestic abuse situations when they haven't witnessed it. So the cop may see the scene of the crime, but have to leave an abused woman (and children) with her attacker, so the cop can go get a warrant. LINK HERE.
This kind of shit is infuriating. Especially when it happens 'all at once'. It's easy to react when you hear about this shit, bit by bit. You can contact people, lawmakers, ruffle feathers, speak up and let your voice be heard. But to have so many stories appear in such a short time period makes me want to scream. I know that I already have SO many rights in this country and that it has taken YEARS for us to get here. But there are people working to turn back the clock on what has been accomplished. How can we champion for other countries to treat women better when our standards are dipping? How can we call ourselves a great nation when we are allowing religious zealots to make policies that affect our rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? I don't live in Oklahoma, Missisppi, Virginia, New Hampshire or some of these places featured here. But dammit, I KNOW that some idiot will be bringing this crap into my home state before long. We have to fight this. Fight it in your state, let your voice be heard. Contact your lawmakers and let them know how you feel before, during and after this issues come to light.
As a woman and as a human being, I believe every woman should be able to make a choice about her body and it's ability to bring life into the world.
I do not believe that women only have the option of 'motherhood' or 'spinsterhood'.
I do not believe that a woman is a whore because she has sex as frequently as men.
I do not believe a woman is a bad person for choosing to have an abortion.
I do not believe that men are more qualified to speak on women's sexual health than are women.
I do not believe that lawmakers have a right to bring religion into the political arena and label it 'right' and any deviance 'wrong'.
I believe that a woman has a right to be a mother, give up a child for adoption, have an abortion, or do any combination of those actions in her lifetime without judgement or condemnation of her character. I do not believe a woman should ever be subjected to rape, nor made to feel that it's 'expected'.
I believe that outlawing abortions does not stop abortions but puts women who still seek abortions at risk.
I believe that women need to stop being punished for our body's capabilities and our decisions that do or do not conflict with biology's unregulated abilities.
I believe this war on women, our bodies, our choices, our access to necessary or desired health care and medicines, this hatred and demoralization, this religious zealousness, this persecution of women NEEDS TO END NOW.
I believe that men who support women's choice are much needed allies in this fight. We love you for standing with us.
So, are you going to stand back and let religious lawmakers legislate the hell out of our bodies? Or are you going to SPEAK UP?
P.S. Here is a link that give more info on the hearing in which women weren't allowed to talk about their sexual health. The article states that moderate and liberal Catholics are now okay with the HHS saying that Catholic institutions not having to foot the bill for the medical things they don't agree with.
OFFENSIVE STUFF BELOW. DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE OFFENDED. DUH.
Personally I believe that if Catholic institutions want to continue to deny medical coverage for things they preach against, they shouldn't be allowed to claim to be an equal-opportunity employer and instead admit that they DO discriminate on gender (no female priests allowed) AND sexuality (this includes sexual orientation and a woman's choice to do IVF or have any bit of control over her sexual health). BUT I figured that didn't belong in my little bold list above, since that is more tongue-in-cheek than serious. Oh and here are some facts on abortion. I personally like the info about FACE: Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances.
FACE makes it illegal to intentionally use force, the threat of force,
or physical obstruction to injure, intimidate, interfere with, or
attempt to injure, intimidate or interfere with individuals obtaining or
providing reproductive health care services. FACE also punishes anyone
who intentionally damages or destroys a facility that provides
reproductive health services.
Something that always bothers me is the pro-life people out there harassing people walking into clinics. If you REALLY wanted to make yourselves useful and practice what you preach, go down the street and learn about fostering or adopting the children that exist NOW that you claim you would care for if the women at the clinic weren't aborting them. Although, and this sounds terrible... I'd rather abort a fetus than to have it end up adopted by some religious zealot that harasses people. BUT because I'm a responsible person, I want to continue to have the right to make decisions in regards to MY body and my life and not be subjected to religious persecution because I don't believe these lawmakers have a right to control my uterus. So those religious lawmakers... they can feck off anytime now! >=P
So, on a level of '1 to 10', 1 being "not so offensive" and 10 being "Dear Lord, burn this heathen!" how offensive was that? ;)
I didn't take many notes on it but I do remember is that it was statistically driven off of surveys and essays and interviews. As a single woman, I thought it lacked information about the Childfree Single. One thing I definitely took away was someone's comment about how being CF (or as we like to call it: IOD...Independent of Dependents) allows a person to travel NOW instead of waiting until retirement. That person recalls visiting Greek ruins and being saddened to see elderly people unable to make the climb to the top to see the grandiose ruins they had traveled to see. To me, an ardent traveler, that is really sad! Life is meant to be enjoyed NOW, not put off.
I also remember that the book was more positively driven than not. Often times chosing to be CF/IOD seems like a struggle, constantly having to prove to people that we aren't crazy and that we are making a VALID CHOICE. So it's no wonder sometimes a CF/IOD person can get defensive or angry... if someone is telling you that you don't know what you're doing with your life, just because he or she chose something different. I've gone through the stages and will continue to, depending with whom I'm speaking. Of course, we need to be able to vent our frustrations with ignorant people or bad parents, but at the end of the day, you get more flies with honey.
So, the above book was a good read. It was geared towards CF/IOD (IOD is the agreed-upon, created term my friends and I developed) and also those who are considering the CF choice. I think it's very important that children are seen as a CHOICE. If we continue to promote it as a CHOICE and not 'just what you do', we are encouraging people to be more responsible for their own decisions. (Of course, religion does often get in the way of proactively preventing pregnancies... but that's not the theme of this topic).
________________________________
And tonight was a CRAZY Friday night. I just finished reading:
Complete Without Kids: An Insider's Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance
I did actually take notes on this book (as I will for the other 5 or 6 CF books I have checked out!!! I have a lot of reading to do!)
This book didn't sit as favorably with me. The author drew too many conclusions and made assumptions that I found unnecessary. She postulated that so-and-so would have been a good mother had she met someone. She postulated that a Japanese exchange student probably went on to have kids because she probably felt awkward being one of 2 childless females in a room of 50 at a Church retreat. I found these assumptions detracted from my enjoyment of the story.
I'll now refer to my notes and provide page numbers where possible. Excerpts or ideas from the book will be in italics and my notes will be in plain text.
p. 48 'Suzanne' expresses sadness when she sees families portrayed in movies as being happy and having intimate connections. The idea of missing out eats at her. - Of course the movies are going to portray things as perfection! Movies set unrealistic expectations for the audience. That's why you have to take everything with a grain of salt. And I'm saying this as someone who is involved in the film industry! Unless the story has to do with a dysfunctional family, you won't see that as part of the storyline. Or, the film shows happy happy happy to set up the meltdown and the return to happy happy. It's just like when I watch a romantic comedy, I know it's outside the realm of normal.
p. 52-53 Having it all: career and mothering leaves a woman stressed and not present - This I agree with and find important to mention. We lost our own war with feminism. We felt the need to prove we CAN do it all, work AND be mothers. But to what end? Mothers who have guilt and aren't able to be everywhere at once? Spreading themselves so thin between career and parenting that they lose themselves? TANGENT: On a photo of an Italian female government representative Licia Ronzulli who brought her baby to the voting session... I saw SO many mothers responding to it with pride about how women can do it all. One woman wrote "I'm a mother before I'm a woman". I was flabbergasted. You couldn't be a mother without being a woman first, biologically speaking alone. And you shouldn't be losing your identity into your children's lives. Luckily I saw a commenter write that it (bringing one's infant to work) was feminism fail. For more info on this situation....go here. Basically, as a mother, you are held to the impossible standard of having to prove that you are superwoman. And if you don't happen to measure up, you are in for a world of guilt.
p 66-67 "Having Fun and the Fear of Losing Youthfulness" - I don't like this section of the book. It's too short and I feel it misses the point and misconstrues the issue. It seems like the author is saying that CF people avoid maturing and are just all about fun AND that they have a fear of growing older. I don't know if this was meant to be implied, but that's how I read it. TO ME, I find that many parents have children because of the (subconscious) FEAR of how to fill the next 60+ years ahead of them. It can be daunting to think of all the open roads before me, but I'm grateful and excited, especially because I have several Childfree/Independent of Dependent friends to join me. The author seemed to imply that CF/IOD people are free from responsibility or care and don't need to grow up. This is a falsehood. Having children doesn't make someone mature or responsible. It can be a motivator for someone to become that way, but not everyone NEEDS to pop out a kid to realize they should get their life in order. I'm sure the author did not mean to imply that we shirk responsibility, but that it might appear we do.
Three Categories as developed by the author: Childfree by Happenstance, Childfree by Choice or Childfree by Circumstance - I'm a little fuzzy on the difference between Happenstance and Circumstance. To me, they represent the same thing, but the author seems to imply that Happenstance means a person just never ended up with a partner during their fertile years and that Circumstance is for people that wanted to have kids but were infertile. I don't know if the distinction is as I've surmised or that it's clear enough. In Laura Scott's Two Is Enough there was a category for those who ended up CF because of their partner's strong choice and their ability to be okay with not having kids. I just found Walker's categorization to be a bit fuzzy.
p 68 Selfishness - Some childfree people are happy to admit they are selfish, but I have a hard time doing so. I think all humans are selfish and it is a survival instinct. Parents are not selfless for having children... it's just the group they protect is bigger, so they are selfish for a larger group of their DNA. It's the same as if I'm out with friends and there is an open table at a bar... I'm looking out for the good of my group and will try to get that table for us and let others fend for themselves. My group is where my loyalties lie. And we all know that people have selfish reasons for procreating: wanting someone to care for them in old age (RIGHT!), wanting to have the experience of being a parent, etc. I think less focus needs to be put on selfishness/selflessness because it doesn't seem relevant to me. Just because I don't have a small family group to care for doesn't mean that I don't extend good will by other means, such as volunteering or caring for my nephews. I don't like the idea of selfishness even though some people are happy to lay claim to it. Ah, now I see my notes more clearly... I wrote that the author didn't cover the selfishness topic well enough because she didn't mention how it can be selfish to have children for the wrong reasons and that the section basically only said CF people didn't feel guilty for having so much free time.
p 71 Sometimes the differences become isolating and we can be left out by mothers/parents because we seem to be dis-trustworthy and we have to makes steps to show we "accept kids" - This makes me bristle. I understand the author is saying we need to have a little give and be ambassadors for the Childfree community. I selectively do this with people I care for that have children so that they know I'm not hateful of their kids. I'm very vocal about my choice to be IOD and it can be offputting to mothers. But, yes I make it a point through my actions to show them I can be around their child and not shrivel into a pile of ash. But I won't go too much out of my way. I did go to a friend's party for her 1 year old boy and it was at a Children's Museum. My mom and I even took the birthday boy around for a bit but he was hungry and I couldn't help him. He just wanted his mama! So I relinquished the crying birthday boy. But he was cute in his little vest and hiking boots! See?! I went to the party and spent time with the little one because I WANTED to, not because I felt it was my duty. I care for the little guy and his parents are wonderful, so of course I want to be there for them and celebrate. My choice to stay an aunt doesn't mean I don't want to celebrate and spend time with kids! In fact, I really like having kids around because I like to teach them it's okay to be goofy and just enjoy life! I do this with my nephews and I've done this with all the kids I've nannied or as a camp counselor. It's my way of spreading silliness and joy. Letting kids be kids and take their joyful attitude into adulthood with them. Life is meant to be enjoyed and that's something I like to promote. Something I'm ABLE to promote because I'm not focused on my own children, but can be there for others. So, I guess, the author has a point, but it still threw me off. It made it seem like 'we' have to make the parents feel comfortable and they don't have to make us feel okay. But it is give and take. Each CF/IOD person feels differently about how much they want to be included with parents and kids, and it's up to them to indicate it. Okay... moving on... ;O) -I agree with the author's section about how our time is OUR time. The evenings and weekends are our leisure time, not filled with the children's activities or catering to what the kids need. That's one of the benefits to my IOD Choice... I can fill up my time in ways that make me feel like a happy and fulfilled person, without being distracted by the needs of children. That can be a BIG struggle for parents, but as a CF/IOD person, I'm very happy with this benefit. This doesn't make me feel selfish, but motivated. I have many projects that I chose to do with my time. Writing this blog is one of them. IT WORKS FOR ME. Everyone should be free to make this choice.
- I like the inclusion of the section on Singles, since the previous book didn't touch well enough on it for me. IF I ever choose to look for a partner (my projects are my loves right now), I would only date another CF/IOD-minded person. I don't have a desire to be a stepmother. As much as I realize that there are children out there that need love and fostering, my decision to be childfree includes children biological or not. The idea is that my life isn't leading towards mothering, no matter where the kid comes from. So, I have to be content to contribute by volunteering. It's much easier on the wallet and less time-consuming ;)
p. 119 - Healthy lifestyles and kids as a motivator to stay healthy - I find that to be a bit misleading. I'm sure there are unhealthy people who don't have kids. The author even mentions one. But she also mentions that because of more free time, Childfree adults are able to use that time to do activities such as healthy cooking and fun exercises like skiing or running. The author also mentioned a study that showed parents consume more fats, saturated fats and sweets and salty snacks that Childfree people. The idea of providing a healthful diet for children is a big scary thing for me. I have a hard enough time making sure I eat enough of the right foods during the day. I'm not up for the task. I can understand how parents can go for the easiest route... when I have my nephews for the weekend.... well, it's not all healthy food. I DO always have fruits and veggies for them. Their parents live on an organic farm, so I know a concerted effort is being made to raise these kids on real food. And that's a big deal! I agree with the person on page 121 who says that personality is the driving factor to a person's healthy or unhealthy lifestyle, rather than whether or not they have children. I think kids can act as a motivator sometimes, but I also agree with the fact that parents are more susceptible to disease, not only from contact with their children, but because being a parent can be stressful, leaving parents with less time to sleep and recharge their body. I enjoy the fact that I can respond to my body's needs and get extra sleep when I need it. (I sleep a LOT... it's just how my body is!) Actually yesterday I was able to stay home from work and I thought about the fact that I wouldn't necessarily have been able to recuperate (including my 3 hour nap) if I had a child to care for. Being a parent is a 24/7 job and I'm happy I work in a different field! ;)
p 126-7 - EXPENSIVE! - "Families that make $70,000 a year or more will spend $260,520 to raise a child from birth through age 17, and this doesn't include college tuition, which can add up to $150,000 more for a four-year education. - OUCH! Well, I know I'm not in that tax bracket AT ALL. I work three jobs and would be lucky if it totaled to 30K. So, no, having a child is not financially an option for me. BUT, what IS an option for me, is to save money for my retirement and save money for my travels. In fact, $5 is going into my travel savings fund for writing this blog post. Because I have my goals and my priorities, I'm able to attain what I want. Some people DO want to spend obs and gobs of money on rearing children. Good for them and best of luck to them. But I hope they'd be just as willing to wish me well on MY goals. Often times, people try to place importance on the idea of raising a family and any other use of one's time is seen as frivolous. I disagree. I think it's more important to identify what makes YOU happiest and how you can attain it. Living up to someone else's standards will NOT make you happy.
p 130 - The author mentions one interviewee said parents are often reluctant to travel for business while Childfree people are able to do so and might look forward to it. - I saw this in action. I happened to have taken off a month from work so I could travel for a GREAT flight deal, visit friends and family in six cities (not something parents can do!) and while I was sitting in an airport, biding my time, I couldn't but hear a frustrated mother on the phone berating her kids or husband for not remembering a dentist appointment and calling the dentist to reschedule. From the airport. A mother's work is never done. Mothers are important people. But sometimes I feel they LIKE it! How many of you have mothers that can be described as 'martyrs'? I know my mother gripes about how much she has to do for us, even now. But sometimes, if they relinquished a bit more control and ASKED for things to be done... well, maybe their children and husband might step up to the plate! I know that's a bit utopian, but if a woman never asks for help and only gripes about not getting any help... it's not really a healthy environment for anyone.
Another idea mentioned by the author is having kids means you may likely have to work a job you don't like because the children have financial needs that can only be met by a steady income. - This is a frightening reality. We don't know which way the river flows. Look at the economic downturn of the past recent years. How many parents lost jobs? You can bet most of them had to take jobs beneath their pay level just to keep food on the table. I can't imagine how stressful that must be. See above, where having kids is EXPENSIVE! As a single person, if I hit bad times, I can move into a home with others. You can't really do that if you have a large family. Well, many immigrants do it, but that's a different story. But working an unpleasant job is one of those 'sacrifices' parents make for their kids. It's something for people to consider when looking at their options. You don't HAVE to choose to sacrifice things you want because society tells you it's how you mature and it's the next step. You can look at your life and what you want to do with it. So if you choose children or no children, you know you are being true to yourself.
p 130-131 The workplace oftentimes punishes those who don't have children with more chances to leave work (sick kids), more money (single moms), no discounts on health insurance as compared to those with kids, etc.) - There are a number of reasons that parents seems to have advantages over people like myself. The main difference is that in my department, most are salaried people, while 5 of us are hourly. So right there, there are a number of differences that aren't quite fair. I won't go into it because it's specific to my situation. I do know that it generally isn't balanced treatment and changes need to be made. Just because I don't have to run off to pick up a kid from school doesn't mean I wouldn't like to leave early as often as the others who still get paid.
p 132 Tax breaks. - Grrrr. I don't understand why tax breaks occur. Why are people being rewarded for having kids when it's because of the increase of the population that more services are needed? Why don't I get a tax break for NOT having kids? My taxes pay for public education, but I don't have any kids that benefit from it. (My nephews are homeschooled.) I think there should either be more options across the board (I volunteer a LOT) or there shouldn't be any tax breaks. It just seems like a lop-sided, goofy, unfair system.
p. 137 The author wondered at the idea that since many childfree people will end up in retirement homes, we'll still be surrounded by the elderly who will talk about their children and grandchildren and will NEVER escape. The author hoped that by the time she retired, there would be a childfree retirement home! - HA! Yes!
p. 142 - The author talked about the need for growth in terminology. 'Childless' is used by some people who wanted but couldn't have children and they, and parents with children, may take offense to 'Childfree' while those who like that term are proud of their choice. - This situation was part of the inspiration for the title of this blog. I wanted to be able to refer to my lifestyle that doesn't contain children without referring to children. I'm not a 'non-BMW owner'. Independent of Dependents or IOD seems to be a tax term to refer to our chosen lifestyle. I like it and I hope it catches on. For three reasons, 1)CF also stands for Cystic Fibrosis 2) IOD sounds like IUD which is a method of birth control. 3) My friends and I can lay claim to it! ;)
p. 146 - I REALLY liked the paragraphs on 'purpose'. To me, that's a very important theme. My life is IOD because that's how I feel I will best attain my purpose in life. To me, it's all about encouraging people to research this decision, the most impacting decision on their life, and to make a well-informed, heartfelt decision that is true to that particular person.
p. 149 - Having children doesn't make for a happier marriage. In fact studies show that happiness in marriage goes down with the arrival of the first child and increases when the children are gone. - I know it sounds like we are making that up to promote a baby-free agenda, but get the book and check it out for yourself! To me, it makes sense. Having kids isn't easy and adds A LOT of stress into a couple's life. It changes everything for them. Sometimes it works out well and sometimes not so much. You can't depend on an outside thing to make you happy.
p 151. - The author suggested nation-wide people abstain from sex for a week and see how it affects the population. - I really hope this was said in jest. Even I, as a non-parent, am well aware that many parents often go for more than a week without sex. So there goes that idea!
So... in conclusion to this very long book review on "Complete Without Kids", even though I took issue with the way the information was presented (based on a few interviews with unnecessary conclusions/assumptions), and even though I disagreed with things that were presented, I can tell from my own report that it does actually present the Childfree Life as something to be considered. The author would present her life and show how it would be different if children were involved. And for some people that would be welcome. It's just a matter of REALLY examining the choices thoroughly. As presented in this book, half of all pregnancies (in the U.S.?) are accidental. We as a society need to give our youth more information on how to stay safe and be well-informed and MAKE A DECISION. As technology and life options continue to progress and expand, so too do the messages we send to our youth, the emphasis our society puts on life choices and how to make them.
As always, I want to send out a reminder those parents that may read this (if you have, your kids must be busy ;) ).... Those of use who are Childless, Childfree, or Independent of Dependents, just want you to know, we are living our lives the way we want to. We chose what's best for us in our individual lives. It makes us happy. And we wish the same happiness and fulfillment for you in your lives. So please, don't freak out the next time we say "No, I don't have kids". I'm sure we can still find something to talk about! ;)
When you stop and consider how socially revolutionary it is to say 'I don't want kids,' it tends to follow that other societal 'norms' are easier to eschew. On a whole, I guess I've questioned a lot of things.... I don't follow religion, I don't want to buy into real estate and be tied down, I don't see the lure of marriage in my future and I've recently come to terms with not wanting a 'real' job. And at age 26, I'm learning (or at least telling myself) that this is okay. It's slightly scary but also liberating. And I'm quite glad that I've taken the time and been able to make these important choices on what is best for ME rather than cave into the pressures and go down a road (job, house, spouse and kids) that might not be right for me.
In society, across all cultural barriers, humans put pressure on their offspring and their peers to follow the most popular and accepted path but this fails to allow people to customize their lives. You can customize your car, your home, your phone, your computer, even your lawn but we aren't really encouraged to customize our life choices. Sure, you can choose a career but that is one of the identifiers humans put on ourselves. 'I'm a doctor' or 'he's a lawyer' or 'she's a human resources manager'. Many unemployed people feel worthless because they built their identity around a job that they no longer have.
Go to a bar, meet a stranger and they'll ask 'What do you do?'. This question is one of my pet peeves. I'm not at a bar to talk about work. (I'm usually at a bar to forget about work!) My work doesn't define me and frankly, explaining the 2.5 jobs I do to make ends meet will bore you AND me, so please don't ask!
I was recently thinking of creating a 'State of the Union Address' for my girlfriends so they could see where I stand on big issues right now (since we don't talk as often as we used to) but I might as well share it here. After all, for those child-minded, they may like to see the thoughts of one childfree mind. (I speak only for myself.)
Religion: I find religion to be disconcerting, not because it challenges you to hold your behavior to a higher standard but because it is run by fallible humans who claim to have divinely inspired knowledge about events or phenomena outside of our comprehension (or era) while simultaneously trying to fit humans into little boxes that restrict activities for sometimes very bizarre reasons. I do believe in a spiritual connection and power but it seems a waste of time to worry on the details.
Politics: Ugh. A dirty system meant to benefit the people in office and those that bribe them. I have little faith in the political system. It and religion are more linked than they should be.
Career: No career path and okay with that. This is one of the most recent revelations I've had. I had an opportunity at my workplace to double my money and quadruple my workload. Luckily, it took them three weeks to post that position and in that ample time, I was my usual 'pendulum' self, going back and forth on my decision-making process, polling people and picking out nice apartments I could afford without going over the 'no more than 30% of your income goes toward housing' rule. After really mulling over what I want in my life, really searching deep inside my true self, I decided that the more intense job would give me undesired stress in something I really had no interest in doing. It would also drain me of energy needed for my more important projects I do at home. These projects are what I eventually want to receive money for doing so it makes no sense to put money at the forefront if it pushes my desires to the backburner. THIS is a huge step for me. I'm able to make enough money at an unchallenging job in order to do the things I want to do and THAT is fine.
It's difficult because society tells me that I should want more money and a better job. But that is so overwhelming! And silly! Look at it this way.... if I have 80 years of life, these 80 years are full of unknown events and people that affect the course my life will take. So to sit here and say, 'By this age, I'm going to do this and this age, I'll have done this' is so very futile. I have very little control over the world and just as I don't want to waste time on religious details, I don't want to waste time plotting out supposed events in my unpredictable future.
This doesn't mean that I have no aspirations in life and that I'm just floating around. On the contrary! My life, when not working for money or sleeping, is spent pursuing many activities that give me fulfillment: volunteering, writing, making music, watching movies, dancing, spending time with family and friends, traveling, taking photos, learning languages, making art, performing, etc. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can find something to occupy the time that won't be spent raising children!) I work on these things in hopes that I am preparing myself for future opportunities that will allow me to leave my humdrum jobs and use these talents to make money. At this point in my life, I just need to make money. Besides being creative and entertaining, there isn't a certain 'career' that calls out to me. I just had to come to terms with that because that is how I am wired and that is where I am in life at this point. (No quarter-life crisis necessary. PASS!)
I don't condemn people that truly want a family or really enjoy a certain career path. My focus is on promoting choices. If you choose employment or a career, children or childfree, a planted home or an RV, a religion or reason, make sure it is something you feel deep inside your bones, your flesh, your very being. There is no one way to live, no one route to happiness.
I may not know what the next 60+(?) years of my life hold in store but I will do my best every day to be glad for each passing moment, month, and year that I'm allowed to learn and grow as a person in the adventure that only I can live! Best wishes to you on your adventure!
*Remember you either get older or you die, so quit your complaining!*
Recently, via social media, I asked a drag queen (one of my favorite entertainers) if he thought he would ever have kids and he said "probably not but you can never say never". Maybe he meant he couldn't say 'never' and that is his right. Some people may not see children as a part of their lives but could be open to it 'should the stars align'. More power to 'em on their life adventures! (And may they be prepared!)
But for those of us who have thought long and hard about the decisionto procreate/raise children, we can say 'never'. For me:
I will never be President of the USA.
I will never be a marine biologist.
I will never be a doctor.
I will never climb Mount Everest in the buff.
I will never procreate/have children.
Of course, there is ALWAYS the possibility that I may be put in a mother role, due to unforeseen circumstances that I don't want to imagine. (For me, this does not include dating a man with kids, b/c I feel so strongly about it, that if a man has kids, the dating will not even commence. We all have our standards and if you wouldn't bend your 'no drugs' rule for a drug addict that could be 'the one'.... then don't be surprised if I stick with my guns on the child thing.)
As a female at age 26 (some would say: too young to decide to be CF but not too young to be a mother?!?!), with my experiences of being a child, being a babysitter, being a camp counselor and being an aunt for the past 12 years, I think I have the right to say the word 'never' when it comes to the child decision.
Yet there is a stigma that follows this declaration. There is something about humans that when they hear the word 'never' they want to point out to that 'it's possible!!!' Sure, many things are possible. Notice that I didn't say "I will never kill another human being"? Because, technically, it is possible. Of course, I do my best to avoid it but a situation calling for the death of another person could arise, i.e. self-defense. Or someone just really pissing me off. JUST KIDDING!
But humans just want to be right and sometimes that means saying: "You never know".
1) There is no benefit to the person saying this except supposed 'bragging rights' were I to 'change my mind.' Therefore this statement is self-serving and egotistical. It will NOT make me change my mind as it is NOT persuasive and has no bearing on the reality of birthing and raising children.
2) With the amount of technology and knowledge we have, it is very possible to avoid pregnancy altogether, so I'm quite sure I 'know' I won't be having children.
3) Whatever possibilities that may occur in life, it will never change the amount of responsibility that children bring.
This last one is very important. Saying "I'm not having children" is not the same as saying "I'll never move to Texas". Someday, I may move to Texas but it is not an occurrence that comes with a lifetime of responsibility or change.
Sometimes, I think 'I could possibly be persuaded to adopt years into the future' but then I remember... in most cases, where the kids come from doesn't affect the amount of work that children bring. Adoption, though less physically demanding than birthing and diapering, (I don't like the baby years) does not prevent me from having to deal with all of the other things that I am trying to avoid by not having children in the first place. In this case, adopting would actually be selfish of mebecause I would be doing it to feel better about myself, to feel as if I'm helping children out. But I'm not helping them out if I don't actually want to have kids around me 24/7 for the next couple decades.
I counteract this 'impulse' to help other people by volunteering with special needs kids. It leaves me both exhausted (after 3 hours) yet very fulfilled. I can then tackle all of the other life goals I have for myself that factor into my decision to remain Independent of Dependents.
It's similar to a situation I faced recently at work. I could stay at my regular job that had all the perks I enjoyed or I could apply for a job that doubled my pay but would stress me out with quadruple the work-load and many job elements that I am happy to not currently have. I had to fight the impulse of 'but I feel like I should' to really identify what is best for me. And I really am all the happier for it, despite not having the extra money that I wasn't missing anyway.
So, while saying "I never want kids" sounds flippant and therefore deserving of a flippant "Never say never" response, saying 'never' is not flippant when it is actually the end result of a well-thought out decision.
And it is a very important decision that should be respected whether a person chooses something you would or not. I choose to remain Childfree/Independent of Dependents/The Fun Aunt because it is what I truly desire and I know that will give me the space/time/energy to be happy/free/me. But I also need to respect those who have chosen the Children Choice. If I'm not supposed to ask 'Are you sure?' to a woman who says she wants children, I deserve the same respect when stating my desires for my future.
So, if you could 'never' imagine your life without your children, know that I feel just as strongly about 'never' having children. Yeah? So if I say 'never', you better believe it! ;)
Peace.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that employing the concept of 'never' can have a negative connotation, implying that a person isn't open to the marvelous possibilities of life. But the list of things I'll never do are realities I'm okay with and would rather not do anyway. It's possible to employ the concept of 'never' and keep a positive and realistic view on life and what an individual desires in his or her own unique life. Capiche?
