There are many ways to live one's life. Most of the world chooses to procreate, but what about those who don't? This blog highlights those who are choosing to be 'Independent of Dependents' and leading happy, healthy lives. We aren't freaks of nature, but rational human beings. Curious to learn? Read on...
This is another book written in the 90's (published in 1991). Like the previous book, I would recommend this book to anyone, parent or not. Also, like the previous book, I had renewed it four times at the library because it's taken me a while to find time to read.
I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it. The tone was that of a research paper and was very thorough, examining every facet of the situation and all the different ways women find themselves without children.
I found a lot of interesting historical facts as the author recounted the history of childlessness. One was that post Civil War days, the youngest daughter was usually expected to stay single and care for the aging parents. Another was the fact that during the Great Depression, many couples made sure they didn't have kids, via one method or another because they literally couldn't afford a(nother) child when they couldn't even find food for themselves!
I loved hearing some of the thoughts of women in this book, specifically a spitfire 100 year old woman who maintained that if you are lonely in your old age, it's your own fault! (She was emphasizing the importance of creating the life you want to lead with people you want to spend time with.)
One of the reasons so many books were written about the childfree choice in the 90's, from what I can tell after having read all these books, is that the baby boom of the 80s and 90s was in full swing. Women were trying to have it all and it was (and is) incredible and impossible.
The author did a great job with the subject of infertility and highlighting that a person has to mourn before they can accept and either decide to adopt or to remain without children.
There were LOTS of good quotes in this book. - p 140 "She didn't downgrade the importance of motherhood but rather began to upgrade the value of her own life." - p 153 "It's probably a blessing for the children never born to me that I didn't have them." - p 171 "It's not that our past rules our present, but rather, that it inhabits our present." (I had first read it as 'inhibit', which I almost like more) - p 180 "Planned Parenthood has a saying that friends can get you pregnant faster than husbands." (referring to the validation women seek amongst friends for their choices.)
I really enjoyed this book. I noticed I didn't take as many notes on this book as I had done with the others I've reviewed previously. I don't know if that was because I really wanted to finish this book (it's overdue at the library), I'm kind of burnt out on the childfree literary topic, the tone of the book had less super-important facts, or what it may have been. I will provide two snapshots of quotes on loss that I REALLY like. They were written in terms of infertility, but I find them very applicable to everyday living.
p 142
p 179
So, this book is very much recommendable to others, despite being legal to drink (the book was published in 1991.... it's 2012? Oh forget it.) A lot of the information in here is very interesting. It's very academic in nature, which means it's more unbiased and informative and observant in nature. This and the book before are perfect delegates, diplomats, lessons for anyone on either side of the parent/nonparent discussion. And this may be the last childfree book review for quite a while, unless the library comes pushes out those other requests I have. But I'm most definitely looking forward to filling my brain with new topics! PEACE!
Yesterday was Mother's Day. Being child free, of course I was not served breakfast in bed, nor did I receive flowers or a card. To many parents this should make me sad, because I am missing out on the gratitude of children I don't have. I'll even forgive people for warping the holiday into a day for doting on Mom, despite it's original purpose as a war protest.
As ScribbleScribe and I have discussed, all the teary Hallmark commercials in the world wouldn't change our minds about being CF. But one of the biggest myths that haunts CFers is that being child free means you hate children. There are many child free people who don't like kids. I don't deny that. But just because we don't want to have kids doesn't mean we don't love and care for our own younger relatives. My own aunts provided immense support to my parents bringing up myself and my siblings.
Which leads me to ask: why is there not an Aunt's Day?
Many CF women proudly carry the title aunt, or auntie in my case, since my "nieces and nephews" are actually my cousins kids. We like being the fun aunts who get the chance to spoil the kids from time to time, take them off of mom's hands and handing them back.
But there are aunts who do more than help out by babysitting from time to time. In many cultures around the world, aunts are integral parts of raising children. Often they are the first choice for parents in their wills to care for kids in the event of the parents' demise. Being a CF aunt means you can dedicate more time to helping your nieces and nephews.
For that matter it's not just aunts that should get their own day. Godmothers, great-aunts, friends who are almost like aunts- we all have some influence and part to play. Foster mothers as well get ignored on the auspicious holiday, despite the fact that they open their homes and their hearts to the toughest cases, who only stay with them a short time before they bounce back through the system.
So for all the CFers who help you with your kids, say a little thank you.
(Note: I did send my own mother and grandmother flowers for the holiday. I'm not saying we shouldn't thank the good mothers of the world, and mine is a pretty darn good one.)
This book, although published in 1995, is still full of good information and is actually written in a positive enough tone that one could recommend it to anyone interested in learning about the Childfree (CF... or as we like to call it: IOD) lifestyle. The author is the founder of The Childfree Network (for which I can't actually find a webpage...).
Lafayette pretty much covers everything, including then-relevant-information on how to form and maintain a childfree group, including troubleshooting issues. Finding such an environment in 2012 is considerably easier since one can turn to the internet for nearly everything.
In the interest of NOT putting the author's text online, I won't list out the items on the chapters she creates, but tell you what chapters are (table of contents) and what I thought.
PART ONE: EXPLORING THE ISSUES Chapter 1: Living Childfree Isn't For Sissies - The author mentions how people will butt into a person's personal life with questions and assumptions. The author points out that if you are so worried what people think, you probably aren't going to have an easy time being a parent either, because everyone has an opinion about what you do with your kids too.
Chapter 2: Why Do We Have Children? Let's Take a Closer Look - Lafayette lists ten reasons people have children, only ONE of which is the result of careful consideration with a partner (or support system). The list to me seems more or less accurate, but scary too. I would LOVE if more people examined the choice thoroughly to give themselves and their children the best chance at a good life.
Chapter 3: Common Misconceptions and Fears About People Who Don't Have Kids - All of the examples given are pretty standard justifications that fearful parents use to judge others and make themselves feel better. And as someone who is living a fulfilled and happy life, they are pretty insulting but typical.
Chapter 4: Separating the Myths of Parenthood From the Realities - The author insists we must be realistic and stop glorifying parenthood, even if it deters some people from becoming parents... because some parents DO regret having children. More knowledge the better, and I totally agree. She references an Ann Landers poll of 10,000 readers in which 70% of responders said that if they had known then what they know now, they would NOT have had kids again! This isn't to say these people didn't love their children, but just that they admit they weren't knowledgeable enough when the time came. The author lists some 'Positive Parenthood Propaganda' that we all hear time and again when people try to convince others to have kids. The author also lists other things a person can do instead of having kids.
Chapter 5: Menopausal Madness and the Infertility Treadmill - The author says that 30% of the members of The Childfree Network had dealt with infertility. She says that it's shameful that more doctors don't encourage infertile couples to consider a childfree lifestyle instead of spending thousands of dollars on physically and emotionally damaging treatments that only have a 50% success rate. To me, I'd love to see adoption encouraged, but I know that a lot of people build up the idea of a biological baby in their mind til it seems to separate from the reality of having a child. The author talked about how infertile couples need to be able to make a transition and own their infertility and not let it overtake their lives. She also talks about some polled older women and how they create regrets in their older years as a result of cultural pressure. She calls it revisionist history.
Chapter 6: Papa's Got a Brand New Bag: The Male Perspective - This chapter is geared towards men as they face the choice and the cultural pressure to 'be a man' by having kids. She gives a list of what men fear about Children. I really like one man quoted saying that a child should be number one, but he is mature enough to realize he can't or won't put a child in that spot above all else. <--- I think this is completely deserving of respect, and I wish more pressuring parents would realize that! I LOVE when I run into people who don't bother me about it and don't try to convince me that their lifestyle will work for me. I LOVE it. I'll have to write an entry about that!
Chapter 7: That Old Pronatalism Has Me In Its Spell - The author says everyone has the pressure in our culture: If you're single, you need to get married. If you're married, you need to have a child. If you're remarried, you need to have a child together. It's true and really quite dizzying. She then details how this pressure plays out with religion, advertising, government, workplace discrimination and political correctness. She then lists suggestions for removal of pronatalist legislation, workplace benefits to be more general, advertisements to stop showing unrealistic versions of families and babies and for churches to stop pushing procreation.
Chapter 8: The Parenthood Test - The author provides a very thorough and helpful examination that EVERYONE should be encouraged to take. It's wonderful to really consider these things when it's the BIGGEST decision a person will ever make in their lifetime! The author stressed that even though you may take this test and realize, you could be a good parent, you're not obligated to do it.
Part Two: Living Fully Chapter 9: The Childfree Choice - The author gives a list of positive and negatives one may encounter when choosing a childfree life. She also draws a line between childless and childfree. The author is someone who battled infertility and was childless until she allowed herself to accept and embrace her life and become childfree.
Chapter 10: Making the Most of Living Childfree - The author lists ten great things you can do when you're Childfree. One of which is actually including kids in your life. She points out that many childfree people can be mentors and support systems for other kids and I love that. That's my aim as an aunt and a volunteer. I realize my talents are best utilized in segments with time restraints! I'm not high energy and know I'm better off in my life as an aunt/volunteer.
Chapter 11: Making New Friends and Keeping the Old Ones - This chapter actually made me feel really hopeful and happy, giving me great ideas on how to keep my parent friends in my life. The author recognized that some friendships won't last, but when both parties make an effort, it leads to great things. The author gave a list of things to do when your friends become parents in order to maintain a great relationship AND encouraged the Childfree to nurture their own relationships with other childfree people, as parents do with other parents. I know it's very hard to get together with my friends who are parents because we are BOTH so very busy with our lives, but since they support me and my lifestyle choice, I definitely want to be there for them too and have to try to get in touch as often as I can. I'll admit, it's a bit strange at times, since I don't find myself to be naturally drawn to babies or children. The baby age is the age that makes me know quite certainly that I never want to give birth. I like kids that have been potty trained a few years and can be on their own a bit. But spending time with my friends and their very young children is great because it is a reminder of the reality of just how much work they are putting into their life and their child. A person has to REALLY want that! And my friends will admit how much work it is. But anyway, back to the book review...
Chapter 12: No Regrets - The author encouraged those who choose Childfree to remember the difference between ideals and reality. She also pointed out that a person is only as happy as they choose to be, so you need to really own your life, no matter whether you choose kids or not! And she warned that regret may pop up later, but you need to be prepared. She also mentioned a quote about how much better it is to be OUTSIDE of the stock market and wishing to be IN, than to be IN the stock market, wishing to be OUT!
The author then gave an epilogue about how to form a ChildFree Chapter. The info is slightly outdated but interesting if and when creating a group.
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So my thoughts on the book. It's a great resource for people considering whether or not to have kids. It's also nice for parents who may want to understand the perspective of their childfree friends. It would be great for those dealing with infertility as well. This book is positive enough to hand to anyone! ;)P
One of the many reasons Childfree or Independent of Dependent (IOD) people choose not to have children is the staggering amount of money it takes to raise a child. I used this website to get a general idea of the cost of a child. It took into account my partner status, my income and my geographical location (midwest U.S.). This is what I got.
Let's face it, kids are not a good investment! For the amount of time and money you put into birthing, clothing, educating, feeding and caring for a child, you only get an emotional return and sometimes it's a negative return.
There are many people who find themselves financially strapped because of children and unable to provide for them, and yes, there are those who wish they would NOT have had children, had they known the expenses, be they financial, mental, physical or emotional.
For many people, the financial aspect is not fully explored when children come into the picture. Considering 50% of pregnancies are unplanned, that means 50% of parents have not fully considered the costs it will take to raise their child. And this affect not only the children, but the community at large. The more children that can't be properly raised, the more it affects the government, at both local and federal levels. Every child should have a happy, safe and healthy upbringing, so it's important that our schools TEACH the future adults about the true costs of becoming a parent. Ignorance is not always bliss.
We live in a society that glorifies pregnancy with nude pregnant celebrities on magazine covers but celebrities don't lack the funds to raise their children. There are television shows called "16 & Pregnant", "19 & Counting" "Kate Plus Eight", and all the gazillion baby shows on Lifetime and TLC and whatever other station you can find, but these people also get compensated for their fifteen minutes of fame.
When 75%-80% of women become mothers, we need to make sure they are properly aware of all of the costs they will incur. Most women will forge ahead if they truly want to be mothers, but it may be eye-opening and helpful for both future-mothers and those who forgo.
I, for one, know I will not be spending $250K on raising children and I'm thrilled! Remember, research your investments and follow your heart! ;) On a related note: my renewed passport should be returning in a couple weeks! Woo!
The Baby Boon: How Family-Friendly America Cheats the Childless by Elinor Burkett
I was extremely frustrated with this book before I even got to page 8, not because of the style of the book, but because of the content, and not to the fault of the author.
This book was published in 2000 and documents the number of tax benefits that parents receive at the expense of taxpayers that do not have children. When the government allows tax breaks to one group of people, another group of people has to make up that amount with their taxes. We're talking BILLIONS of dollars to provide parents with money that is supposed to be used for their children. (13 million childless people will pay $100 BILLION over a period of 5 years to parents... p 72) But we are also talking about supporting parents of middle-class or higher. The author proposes that the income cut-off be much lower so that the money actually goes to those who make less than $25,000 a year. As it sits, parents that make up to $60,000 still receive the tax deductions, although it's hard to justify.
Many of the workplace benefits, Burkett contends, were set in place because of a small group of lobbyists that wanted child care subsidized and thought that it would retain employees. But as it turns out, most employees do not use child care programs in their workplace.
The benefits are also not 'equal pay for equal work' because they make special allowances to parents, and specifically mothers. A man is never going to need a space to pump breastmilk at work. A childless person will never be able to take disability for three months and receive 60% of their pay as mothers are allowed to do. The workers in the office have to make up for the worker on maternity leave yet she is still paid. Childless workers are expected to take on undesirable shifts so parents can spend time with their families. Childless people have lives and families that aren't any less important than parents with children.
I can't even begin to elaborate on how frustrating the FACTS in this book are. Many of the proposed laws and benefits that the government mandated are a result of lobbyists and magazine articles that got parents worked up. And what person would deny more money? Of course the parents would not say "Oh, well I don't actually need that extra money because my neighbors with no kids are actually the ones paying extra taxes and that's not fair since WE chose to have the kids."
The book also highlights the panic that overtook the nation's parents and how the panic was induced by a report here or there, and the statistics belie the need for action to the levels of paranoia it evoked.
Many parents will become indignant when told that it's unfair they get so many benefits. "Oh, but having kids is expensive!" Yes, but you chose it and suddenly, it's become MY problem because I am taxed more. AND because I don't get to leave work for months at a time to pursue an interest, still receive pay AND have a job guaranteed when I come back.
I highly recommend this book for parents and non-parents alike. Parents should know just how privileged they are in this society and think about how it affects others when it comes to the workplace and taxes. What is appropriate and what is unfair to your childless friends and family members? Why isn't there a cut-off for deductions so more low-income people can get back on their feet? And for the non-parents, this book is important so you fully understand how much of a second-class citizen or an afterthought you really are to your community and your government. I know this sounds harsh, but it is the reality. The book is able to provide more facts and a better thought process than I. I took 7 pages of notes, each page with 2 columns. I can't even begin to cover all the astounding information. It took me a long time to get through this book, not because I didn't like it, but because I didn't like the truth of the book itself.
I found out recently that there was a set of banned Doonesbury comics that deal with the transvaginal sonogram that women seeking abortions are forced to undergo. I obtained the strips from this link.
Here are the cartoon strips.
(optional viewing: right click image and click 'Open Link in New Tab/Window' for zoom ability. Original image available here.)
I know it is incredibly important to speak up about the issues on which our leaders are voting. That is why I'm encouraging everyone to contact their government officials and speak up! Below is my letter that I just sent to my Representative and Senators. Please visit the government pages and contact yours. If we don't speak up, we can't complain later.
I find it important to speak up in light of several bills and laws being proposed by conservative religious lawmakers that severely hamper and undermine my religious freedoms and reproductive rights and those of all women. As my elected government official, I hope you will take interest in my thoughts as it is your duty to fully understand how these laws will play out in reality and how they truly affect the citizens for whom you are supposed to work.
I do NOT support “personhood” laws that declare that life begins at conception. This law is unnecessary and potentially harmful to many women. The intent of this law seems to be to outlaw contraception and abortion, but it is possible to interpret this law in a way that holds women of miscarriage responsible for involuntary manslaughter. These “personhood” laws are of no assistance to our society.
Likewise, I do NOT support banning contraception. There are many women who use these medicines for more than reasons than prevention of pregnancy. Some of these medicines prevent several types of cancer, regulate hormones before attempting pregnancy and assist those afflicted with severe cramping. It negatively affects women to put an outlaw on such medicines that are tools that assist with the health and well-being of women’s daily lives. Of course, these medicines are also used to plan responsibly the birth of children so that women can wait until they create financially solid situations before bringing children into this world.
I do NOT support any ban on sterilization. This may be covered under contraception, but I wanted to shed a special light on it. As a woman who intends to remain without children for my lifetime, I will be turning to sterilization and am so thrilled that the cost will be fully covered under the Affordable Care Act. Sterilization is used by women (and men) who already have children and know their limits well enough to know they are not interested in having any more children because of financial or other reasons. Sterilization is also used by those like myself who are not interested in a parenting role, but would like to continue to support children in capacities such as aunts and uncles and employees or volunteers to children’s organizations. Knowing the limits of one’s life is an important step in being a responsible person. Each person has to have the option to fulfill that for herself or himself.
I do NOT support making abortions illegal and incarcerating doctors who perform them. Although I understand that fetus’ do become humans after completing the gestation period, I do believe that it is up to the individual to choose whether to continue the pregnancy or abort. I believe that there are many misconceptions about abortion and the more people understand it, the better we can do to make sure women do not find themselves in that situation. But outlawing abortions does not stop them from happening; outlawing abortions endangers women who then seek out abortions in unsafe medical conditions. Women need to have options such as abortion and it is up to the individual to use this option or not.
I do NOT support forcing those women who seek to have abortions undergo a transvaginal ultrasound. This is unnecessary, degrading and violates a woman’s ability to choose without harassment. These mandates degrade women who have already thought long and hard about their options. They understand full well what a pregnancy entails and being forced to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound will not change their mind, nor make the choice any easier. It only adds another medical bill to a woman who has made up her mind and it insults her ability to make a decision.
I do NOT support changes being made to sexual education classes such as we have recently seen in Utah. In order to make sure that future generations have information about sexual health, we need to make sure they have ALL the information, including information about contraception. My belief is that ‘abstinence only’ teachings are ineffective and dangerous. Everyone knows that telling a youth not to do something does not ensure they will not do it, but often times can seem like one more rule against which to rebel. Our youth need to grow up with solid facts so they can make solid decisions. After all, half of all pregnancies are unplanned. We fail our children if we don’t give them all the information and let them be prepared for whatever they choose. It is up to parents to ensure that after learning all the facts that the children know what the families want them to practice.
I do hope I’ve covered all my bases. I do NOT support anything that hampers the reproductive rights, freedoms and choices for anyone. It is important that the Federal Government maintain the separation of Church and State. Laws such as those mentioned above undermine that understanding because they are moral teachings of religious groups that are being forced upon millions of people of varying religious, personal beliefs. The individuals that are against contraception, sterilization, abortions and any such things have every right to hold those beliefs and live them out in their own lives, but they have NO right to enforce their beliefs on a nation comprised of individuals from every walk of life. I refuse to stand by and let religious groups overstep their bounds and try to write their beliefs into law. This nation was built upon religious freedom and I refuse to be denied my rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in the ways that I see fit. I refuse to be ashamed of my belief that women need access to options to create better lives for themselves and for future generations. I refuse to stand by during this war on women and watch women’s rights be denied and to regress on so much work that has been hard-fought and earned by my predecessors.
While I’ve hopefully still got your attention, I want to assure you that I DO support the rights of non-heterosexual couples that wish to marry. This is very much a civil rights issue. We are talking about the basic rights of millions of people. To me, it matters not that a homosexual couple cannot physically procreate on their own. There was a time when sterile heterosexual couples were frowned upon within religious communities because of their inability to procreate. Those who oppose the right of LGBT persons to commit to each other are looking at it from the stance of religion. LGBT people are not asking to be married in the churches, but to be recognized as human beings by their own government. LGBT couples often times are better parents because they have actively chosen to become parents rather than many heterosexuals who just got pregnant. These LGBT couples need to have the same rights to care for their partners and families as do those who are in heterosexual relationships. If not, their basic rights as human beings and as citizens are being denied.
I do not feel comfortable knowing that there are people from the religious groups that are working so hard to deny the rights of millions of people in this nation. I see those actions as negative, hateful and un-American. This is why I am speaking up and hoping that my voice is being heard. As a nation, we need to ensure that our citizens are being protected, that their rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are being protected and promoted.
I sincerely hope that you will keep all of this information in the forefront of your mind as you are asked to weigh in on these issues. As a member of your jurisdiction, I have spoken my thoughts and my beliefs. As my elected official, I hope that you will take this to heart and understand that much is at stake. I entrust you with my wishes, hoping that my government officials will not let down all the women, men and children, gay, straight, transgender, religious, non-religious, human people of this powerful nation.
Throughout history, there has always been an ongoing war on women and in the U.S., it's currently being led by religious conservative lawmakers, known to us as Republicans. I'm not drawing a line in the sand, but looking at one that was already drawn, long before I got to the beach. If you ask many people, they will tell you there are only two parties in the U.S.of A: Republican (Conservative) and Democrat (Liberal). There are members of each that see their political party of choice as 'right' and the other party is automatically 'wrong'. Therefore, they have drawn a line in the sand and refuse to step anywhere near that line, instead pointing fingers and calling names at the people on the other side. Lovely, isn't it?
I was raised Catholic, but before long, found my way to a frame of mind that is friendlier and more at peace with my beliefs and inner workings. Each person in this country has a right to choose a religion or to choose no religion. But some Christian-based lawmakers are not content with the separation of Church and State and want to enforce their religious beliefs on the citizens of a supposedly secular nation. I, as non-Republican and non-Democrat, and a woman, have a HUGE problem with this, as do many people I know, male and female.
In the news recently, there are many things that go against the principles of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There are many Republican lawmakers aiming to criminalize abortion, to deny access to contraception, to basically punish women for wanting to make choices about their procreative life. I'm going to provide links to these articles, briefly explain them and let you fume on them with me.
IN THE NEWS:
States are passing "personhood" bills to say that life begins at conception and to give rights to fetuses. This law, if interpreted strictly, could have unintended consequences: bans on contraception, criminalizing rape victims and convicting women suffering miscarriages as guilty of involuntary manslaughter. Obviously, one may say, no one's going to take it that far. But then, what is the point of decreeing that a fetus is a person? It is simply a matter of religious agenda, meant to hamper the right of a woman to choose. http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/02/16/us-anti-abortion-senate-idUSTRE81F29920120216
Oh and apparently an amendment was made to the Oklahoma personhood bill that says masturbation "shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child" What fresh hell?! Oh, and don't even think about putting your aborted human fetus in food either, because that's in the bill too, even though there's no reason to believe it's ever happened. <smacks head>
Here's an image I created to explain how I feel about personhood bills:
When an sperm and an egg combine, you get a zygote, which will possibly develop into a human, but not necessarily so. To say that it IS a human is to count all your eggs before they hatch, which the old adage tells us NOT to do.
In Virginia, a bill was passed, and will most likely be signed by the conservative governor, that says a woman who wants to receive an abortion MUST have an ultrasound. Since many abortions are done within the first 12 weeks, most women will be forced to have a probe inserted into their vagina, whether they want to or not. Pretty close to rape, actually. That's right. A woman who chooses to have an abortion is going to be penetrated whether she consents or not. Some of the supporters in the article seem to indicate that she was already penetrated once and that's why she's pregnant, so she lost the right to complain about this penetration. But they just want these women to have 'more information'. According to a study: "Weitz summarized her findings in 2010 when she said that “women do not
have abortions because they believe the fetus is not a human or because
they don’t know the truth.” The only reason for this bill is to emotionally blackmail a woman and make her feel guilty. The creators of this bill assume that a woman can't comprehend what a pregnancy means. I'm pretty sure these woman know full-well what a pregnancy entails.... hence abortion. Basically a woman will be penetrated against her will AND have to foot the bill for the medical rape. Way to punish women for a choice YOU wouldn't make.The link to this horrendous bit of news.
Original link here. March is actually scarily close to the one above, but February is detailed below. So half of this is already true. And all of it is f-ing scary/ridiculous/asinine.
This next bit is a link to how the GOP bitch-slapped women 3 times in one day: (1) ZERO women were present during a hearing on religious freedom and contraception and one woman who DID want to speak was denied because "she wasn’t “appropriate or qualified” to discuss the topic at hand.". (2) Female attendees of a conservative convention were scolded for dressing "“frumpish” or “like two-bit whores. (3) Rick Santorum's billionare backer, Foster Friess, said that women stuck aspirin between their knees as contraception. WAH?!?! Yeah. From the article: "So there you have it: modern women being told by Republicans that
they’re not qualified to talk about their own sexual health, are dressed
like “whores” and probably need birth control because they’re so
slutty. And this is just in one day." Here's the video of that asshat:
And here's the woman the GOP refused to let speak. BOOYAH!
These three articles/links above are just a small sample of the infuriating amount of punishment being bestowed upon women as part of a religious agenda that has crept into our supposed secular nation. I say 'supposed secular nation' because with so many politicians emphasizing their religion and creating laws that focus on the sexual beliefs of THEIR religion, it is clear that these individuals cannot separate their personal religion from their duty to their constituents to represent them and create fair laws for a nation of people of varying backgrounds.
Other infuriating articles:
Female Fox Pundit indicates that women in the military should 'expect' to be raped and also uttered the phrase "raped too much" as if there is a certain number of times that rape is acceptable. LINK HERE.
A bill has been proposed in New Hampshire to prevent cops from making arrests in domestic abuse situations when they haven't witnessed it. So the cop may see the scene of the crime, but have to leave an abused woman (and children) with her attacker, so the cop can go get a warrant. LINK HERE.
This kind of shit is infuriating. Especially when it happens 'all at once'. It's easy to react when you hear about this shit, bit by bit. You can contact people, lawmakers, ruffle feathers, speak up and let your voice be heard. But to have so many stories appear in such a short time period makes me want to scream. I know that I already have SO many rights in this country and that it has taken YEARS for us to get here. But there are people working to turn back the clock on what has been accomplished. How can we champion for other countries to treat women better when our standards are dipping? How can we call ourselves a great nation when we are allowing religious zealots to make policies that affect our rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? I don't live in Oklahoma, Missisppi, Virginia, New Hampshire or some of these places featured here. But dammit, I KNOW that some idiot will be bringing this crap into my home state before long. We have to fight this. Fight it in your state, let your voice be heard. Contact your lawmakers and let them know how you feel before, during and after this issues come to light.
As a woman and as a human being, I believe every woman should be able to make a choice about her body and it's ability to bring life into the world.
I do not believe that women only have the option of 'motherhood' or 'spinsterhood'.
I do not believe that a woman is a whore because she has sex as frequently as men.
I do not believe a woman is a bad person for choosing to have an abortion.
I do not believe that men are more qualified to speak on women's sexual health than are women.
I do not believe that lawmakers have a right to bring religion into the political arena and label it 'right' and any deviance 'wrong'.
I believe that a woman has a right to be a mother, give up a child for adoption, have an abortion, or do any combination of those actions in her lifetime without judgement or condemnation of her character. I do not believe a woman should ever be subjected to rape, nor made to feel that it's 'expected'.
I believe that outlawing abortions does not stop abortions but puts women who still seek abortions at risk.
I believe that women need to stop being punished for our body's capabilities and our decisions that do or do not conflict with biology's unregulated abilities.
I believe this war on women, our bodies, our choices, our access to necessary or desired health care and medicines, this hatred and demoralization, this religious zealousness, this persecution of women NEEDS TO END NOW.
I believe that men who support women's choice are much needed allies in this fight. We love you for standing with us.
So, are you going to stand back and let religious lawmakers legislate the hell out of our bodies? Or are you going to SPEAK UP?
P.S. Here is a link that give more info on the hearing in which women weren't allowed to talk about their sexual health. The article states that moderate and liberal Catholics are now okay with the HHS saying that Catholic institutions not having to foot the bill for the medical things they don't agree with.
OFFENSIVE STUFF BELOW. DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE OFFENDED. DUH.
Personally I believe that if Catholic institutions want to continue to deny medical coverage for things they preach against, they shouldn't be allowed to claim to be an equal-opportunity employer and instead admit that they DO discriminate on gender (no female priests allowed) AND sexuality (this includes sexual orientation and a woman's choice to do IVF or have any bit of control over her sexual health). BUT I figured that didn't belong in my little bold list above, since that is more tongue-in-cheek than serious. Oh and here are some facts on abortion. I personally like the info about FACE: Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances.
FACE makes it illegal to intentionally use force, the threat of force,
or physical obstruction to injure, intimidate, interfere with, or
attempt to injure, intimidate or interfere with individuals obtaining or
providing reproductive health care services. FACE also punishes anyone
who intentionally damages or destroys a facility that provides
reproductive health services.
Something that always bothers me is the pro-life people out there harassing people walking into clinics. If you REALLY wanted to make yourselves useful and practice what you preach, go down the street and learn about fostering or adopting the children that exist NOW that you claim you would care for if the women at the clinic weren't aborting them. Although, and this sounds terrible... I'd rather abort a fetus than to have it end up adopted by some religious zealot that harasses people. BUT because I'm a responsible person, I want to continue to have the right to make decisions in regards to MY body and my life and not be subjected to religious persecution because I don't believe these lawmakers have a right to control my uterus. So those religious lawmakers... they can feck off anytime now! >=P
So, on a level of '1 to 10', 1 being "not so offensive" and 10 being "Dear Lord, burn this heathen!" how offensive was that? ;)
The following image made the rounds on the internet and garnished my support and the support of others that promote transgender issues as well as Planned Parenthood. What follows is my letter to the Girl Scouts informing them I ordered double my cookie amount because of this image. A rep from the Girl Scouts responded, so you can see what the official standing of Girl Scouts is on Planned Parenthood. Not really a stance, so much as legal jargon to save their butt. Disappointing, but at least they support transgender children.
The image in question that made the rounds on the internet. I think it was supposed to be a conservative scare tactic, but it had the opposite effect on all the liberals ;)
MY MESSAGE TO GIRL SCOUTS:
Greetings,
... I'm sure you are aware that some conservative people may be
boycotting Girl Scouts because of the ties to Planned Parenthood and
allowing transgender children to be a part of Girl Scouting. This jpeg had found its way into my facebook news feed. http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxtj8l6XwY1qdm9vwo1_500.jpg
I wanted to let you know that I purchased DOUBLE my order BECAUSE of
these issues AND have shared this information with my friends. It's very
important to me that young women are well-informed AND that those with
different gender identity are welcomed into a supportive environment. I
sincerely hope the information in the jpeg is actually true as it makes
me feel proud to support the Girl Scouts. I also hope that you
will continue on the path of providing girls, whatever their
orientation, a supportive environment that provides them with the
information they need to make good life choices. Thank you! -D
THEIR RESPONSE:
Thank you for your message to Girl Scouts of the USA. We appreciate your interest and kind words. Girl Scouts is proud to be the premier leadership organization for girls in the country. Placement of transgender youth is handled on a case-by-case basis, with the welfare and best interests of the child and the members of the troop/group in question a top priority. That said, if the child is recognized by the family and school/community as a girl and lives culturally as a girl, then Girl Scouts is an organization that can serve her in a setting that is both emotionally and physically safe. Further, the Girl Scout organization, including local Councils, does not take a position on abortion or birth control, nor do we endorse or provide funding to organizations such that advocate on these issues. GSUSA does not provide any financial support to Planned Parenthood, nor do we have any national collaboration or relationship with that organization. We believe issues related to health and sexuality are private matters for girls and their families. We are aware of several websites, some by current and former Girl Scouts and volunteers, that take issue with the Girl Scout organization on a number of topics. We applaud these individuals for pursuing the principles we teach in Girl Scouting regarding identifying an issue that they feel passionate about and working to address it. At the same time, we also disagree with many of the points made on these sites, some of which we feel are inaccurate. Our positions on many of these issues haven't changed, and we believe these websites do not accurately reflect Girl Scouting. For the sake of clarity, once again, Girl Scouts does not take a position on abortion or birth control, does not have a relationship with Planned Parenthood on a national level and does not plan to have one. Because Girl Scouting is a beloved American institution, our name has the power to draw attention to topics that might otherwise go unnoticed. As a leadership organization, we must always respect the right of others to express their views and we will continue to support girls who care deeply about an issue and have the courage to stand up and take action, even if we do not agree with what they say. Thanks again for support of Girl Scouts.
So there you have it. The image from scared conservatives and an official response from Girl Scouts. :)
Book Review: "Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a Life Without Children" by Jeanne Safer, Ph.D.
Like the last book I reviewed, this book was researched and released in the 1990's.
The first thing I must point out is this... at the very beginning of the book (p 3-4), Safer states that she will refer to the lifestyle as 'childless' because no one can deny they are missing something. This immediately altered my perception of the author's viewpoint. I understand that she is trying to point out that by the very terms of it, choosing one option makes choosing the other impossible, and therefore you 'miss' the experiences that choice would have offered. But, as a person who is happy about my childfree choice, I do NOT feel as if I'm missing out. I realize there are different levels of relating to the concept of missing or not missing on the parenting experience within the 'no children' community. But for the author to determine that I am missing out on something does not fit my experience.
In my mind, I can't miss something I never had. I don't miss being a doctor because I never was a doctor. I don't miss owning a Lamborghini because I never had one. Safer contests that even mothers are missing out on the 'no children' experience (note... I'm apparently refusing to say 'childless' in this entry!) because they gave it up. Yes, a mother can miss the freedom she had when she was without children, but it is not the same for me... I can't miss being a mother because I never had children. I could hypothetically miss the idea of having children, but that would be the idealization of the role, not the actuality of it. Just as a mother could idealize being childfree as sitting around and eating bon bons in the bathtub with no interruptions... actually... that is the childfree experience in a nutshell! ;) (I'm only partially kidding.)
Okay, so that big glaring problem out of the way... the book was pretty decent. It talked about when and how women decided, how personal history affected the decision, childfree marriages, creating an alternate feminine identity and the childfree legacy after death.
I think so not to bore you, I'll just include the quotes I liked. A 'best of' section, of sorts (with page numbers). These quotes are from either the author OR one of the interviewees. My notes are in italics:
"Being different can be immeasurably enriching, but it marks you. There is a price for the unconventional life." p.19
"Many people gain maturity by becoming parents, but I hope to achieve it by choosing not to. This demands self-reliance; having no one to live through or to do what you could not, forces you to seek meaning within yourself alone. I know everything depends on me. It really does for everybody, but children can permit parents to elude this essential and disturbing awareness temporarily." p. 34
"True maturity, I discovered, is doing something even though your mother wants you to." p 36 Hahaha! I like that one!
"I know in a way kids are a celebration of family and life, but if we had them, we'd have to stop doing what we were put on this planet to do." p 58 This was said by one of the husbands. I find it profoundly truthful to my point of view.
"Despite the fact that motherhood is supposed to be a woman's supreme fulfillment, for them it seemed more of an obstacle to fulfillment." p 76 Completely true for me.
"an incredible stubborn love of freedom" p 80 Love it and have it and love that I have it!
"childlessness is both a preference and a means of self-preservation" p 81
"The voluntarily childless woman finds maternal responsibility almost claustrophobic." p 85 That one is so me!
"they see their brand of caretaking more as a choice than a handicap." p 85 I believe this came from a section that reiterated that there are many ways to nurture others and that many CL/CF/IOD women (and men) do nurture through relationships or volunteering or some means and they find these opportunities rewarding because it is a choice, not something forced upon them. That and you can set time limits on those things....kids, not so much.
"My life is not better or worse than that of a woman with children - it's just different" p 92 (Janet Frank)
"The daughters of talented, discontented women such as these don't just avoid childbearing in reaction to negative examples; they also feel inspired by their mothers." p 111 Because so much emphasis is put into the nature vs nurture theory when a person goes against the norm, there is often times pointing fingers as to how his or her history affected it. It's important to understand that people who choose to have a childfree/IOD life are not doing so ONLY because they had a 'bad childhood' but they could have had the best childhood possible and still chosen to not have kids.
"She became herself by being different." p 115
"She must design her destiny for herself and deal with the world's reaction to her nonconformity." p 144
"Childlessness is un-American; it's like being a traitor to your flag." p 146 I suppose this is probably true in most countries/cultures as they seem to be very natalistc.
"to do something you really want makes you feel like more, not less." p 149
"need an unusual degree of self-confidence and self-acceptance." p 152.
"... so my sense of myself is pretty intact. I don't miss what I don't have; I'm comfortable with who I am." p 155
"refutes the assumption that mothers have a monopoly on compassion" p 160
"She acquired something rare and precious as a result: time to reflect on ways of being that most people don't have." p 168 Is it easier for childfree people to find happiness because they aren't constantly pushing their own needs aside? I think so. We are in tune with our needs in the first place well enough to know having kids isn't right for us. Many people can't even look in the mirror, much less take the time to self-improve.
"Friends replace family as the lifelines for the majority of the women I met." p 172 This rings very true for me. I have a strong network of friends that support me in ways my family is not capable of doing. We are born into families of people that may not understand us, but we are blessed when we find others with whom to surround ourselves to ensure our happiness.
"My life is my child." p 182
Other things of note from the book:
p. 50 - The author found that studies found that those who opted to not have children were typically the firstborn or only child. I don't find this to be true.
p. 62-64 talks about the experiences of a woman who had people try to GIVE her their children! She was a war correspondent and these people wanted her to (a) have the joy a child brings (b) give their child more opportunity. I found this to be so interesting! (More interesting than the woman who's best friend cut her off because she wouldn't be a surrogate mother for her!! That's just selfish on the part of that woman demanding that of her friend! Yuck!)
p. 139. Scientists thought that a higher divorce rate among those without children indicated unhappiness but now realize those without children have an easier time deciding to divorce because they don't 'have to stay together for the kids'. Marriages with zero children tend to be more egalitarian, more cohesive and satisfying, longer-lasting and more fulfilling.
p 146-147. Childless women are resentful b/c others (mothers) do not support their choice. This is important. In order to create a healthy society in which all people are encouraged to make a conscious choice about the child decision, the result of each individual's decision should be respected. To not do so creates conflict, which I'm sure we've all come up against.
p 148 - a highly developed responsibility makes them choose not to have kids.
p 148 and around there... had some horrific stories of people butting in and telling strangers they should have kids or they're missing out or they will regret it or they are selfish etc. How rude!!
p 150-151. One person emphasized the idea of mentally (or verbally, if you're brave!) questioning the people who question you. By being steadfastly childfree and happy about it, you make them uncomfortable because you don't reinforce their choice or because they are unhappy with their choice.
p 151-152: Even when a person or couple is happy and comfortable with their choice, there is still a sense of exclusion in the community. "need an unusual degree of self-confidence and self-acceptance." p 152.
One person mentioned seeing an elderly woman admitted to the hospital w/o family or next of kin. The observer was happy to think she'd have a long list of friends to come to her aid in her old age. To me, that's not exactly true/is idealistic for multiple reasons. Hospitals primarily view 'kin' as the only people allowed to visit or make decisions. I personally don't want several of my family members making my medical decisions because we don't agree on some thing. But hospitals don't even let same-sex partners make the decisions sometimes. So what I'm saying is (a) the system of relationship qualification for legal purposes is broken and (b) the idea that your friends will rush to your aid in your old age is probably just as idealistic as the concept that one's own children will care for you.
So, in closing, I liked this book, except for the major glaring bit in the beginning about 'missing out on being a mother'. I enjoyed reading a time capsule of sorts from the childless/childfree/indpendent of dependent army of 20 years ago! :)
This book was very heavy on theories but I found it to be quite satisfying. The author categorized women as 'traditional' (wanted to be mothers but infertile), 'transitional' (women who delayed children by life circumstance) or 'transformative' (women who actively chose to not have children).
I obviously fall into the last category, but this book was a great chance for me to understand other women. The book also focused a LOT on theories and different psychologist and the formation of the conscious and unconscious lives of humans. It touched on Freud and other theorists. This bit got to be quite heavy, but was still informative and interesting.
This book was published in 1993 which is nearly 20 years ago. The author looks at women who were born after World War II as part of our culture's duty to thrive. So there have been changes in the demographic makeup since then, but this doesn't make the book/research irrelevant by any means. It basically reminded that many of these women experienced life during the wave of feminism and it helped to formulate them.
There were many interesting parts to this book having to with gender and personal identification. I appreciated that the book/author focused on the creativity that women are allowed to pursue in their lives that is a valid lifestyle. I view myself as a creative person, so I know that my creativity is my 'child'.
There were SO many good parts to this book, that I find it hard to wrap up without a looooong reivew as previous entries. (The purpose of these reviews should be to give you an opinion on the work, not give you a novel to read before the book!)
Basically, the author posits that by limiting humans to gender roles, we prevent men and women from tapping into their strengths whether a woman be more aggressive and a man more nurturing or what have you. And that the childfree woman is often seen as a threat to both mothers and males, but needs to be welcomed as a valid life choice.
The theory part of the book was sometimes hard to read (and some hard to stomach, especially when Freud and Lacan talk 'lack') but the interesting point mentioned in some of it was 'language' and creating the language necessary for females to be seen outside the realms of motherhood only. That was part of the reason for creating this blog... to give us another method of describing our lives, without referring to something our life does not involve. I am Independent of Dependents, I am Childfree, I am a Creative Person with Purpose.
I do really recommend this book and want to know if anyone else has read it or plans to read it. It's different from many of the other Childfree/Childless books because it is more intellectual and theoretical than any I've read before.
I didn't take many notes on it but I do remember is that it was statistically driven off of surveys and essays and interviews. As a single woman, I thought it lacked information about the Childfree Single. One thing I definitely took away was someone's comment about how being CF (or as we like to call it: IOD...Independent of Dependents) allows a person to travel NOW instead of waiting until retirement. That person recalls visiting Greek ruins and being saddened to see elderly people unable to make the climb to the top to see the grandiose ruins they had traveled to see. To me, an ardent traveler, that is really sad! Life is meant to be enjoyed NOW, not put off.
I also remember that the book was more positively driven than not. Often times chosing to be CF/IOD seems like a struggle, constantly having to prove to people that we aren't crazy and that we are making a VALID CHOICE. So it's no wonder sometimes a CF/IOD person can get defensive or angry... if someone is telling you that you don't know what you're doing with your life, just because he or she chose something different. I've gone through the stages and will continue to, depending with whom I'm speaking. Of course, we need to be able to vent our frustrations with ignorant people or bad parents, but at the end of the day, you get more flies with honey.
So, the above book was a good read. It was geared towards CF/IOD (IOD is the agreed-upon, created term my friends and I developed) and also those who are considering the CF choice. I think it's very important that children are seen as a CHOICE. If we continue to promote it as a CHOICE and not 'just what you do', we are encouraging people to be more responsible for their own decisions. (Of course, religion does often get in the way of proactively preventing pregnancies... but that's not the theme of this topic).
________________________________
And tonight was a CRAZY Friday night. I just finished reading:
Complete Without Kids: An Insider's Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance
I did actually take notes on this book (as I will for the other 5 or 6 CF books I have checked out!!! I have a lot of reading to do!)
This book didn't sit as favorably with me. The author drew too many conclusions and made assumptions that I found unnecessary. She postulated that so-and-so would have been a good mother had she met someone. She postulated that a Japanese exchange student probably went on to have kids because she probably felt awkward being one of 2 childless females in a room of 50 at a Church retreat. I found these assumptions detracted from my enjoyment of the story.
I'll now refer to my notes and provide page numbers where possible. Excerpts or ideas from the book will be in italics and my notes will be in plain text.
p. 48 'Suzanne' expresses sadness when she sees families portrayed in movies as being happy and having intimate connections. The idea of missing out eats at her. - Of course the movies are going to portray things as perfection! Movies set unrealistic expectations for the audience. That's why you have to take everything with a grain of salt. And I'm saying this as someone who is involved in the film industry! Unless the story has to do with a dysfunctional family, you won't see that as part of the storyline. Or, the film shows happy happy happy to set up the meltdown and the return to happy happy. It's just like when I watch a romantic comedy, I know it's outside the realm of normal.
p. 52-53 Having it all: career and mothering leaves a woman stressed and not present - This I agree with and find important to mention. We lost our own war with feminism. We felt the need to prove we CAN do it all, work AND be mothers. But to what end? Mothers who have guilt and aren't able to be everywhere at once? Spreading themselves so thin between career and parenting that they lose themselves? TANGENT: On a photo of an Italian female government representative Licia Ronzulli who brought her baby to the voting session... I saw SO many mothers responding to it with pride about how women can do it all. One woman wrote "I'm a mother before I'm a woman". I was flabbergasted. You couldn't be a mother without being a woman first, biologically speaking alone. And you shouldn't be losing your identity into your children's lives. Luckily I saw a commenter write that it (bringing one's infant to work) was feminism fail. For more info on this situation....go here. Basically, as a mother, you are held to the impossible standard of having to prove that you are superwoman. And if you don't happen to measure up, you are in for a world of guilt.
p 66-67 "Having Fun and the Fear of Losing Youthfulness" - I don't like this section of the book. It's too short and I feel it misses the point and misconstrues the issue. It seems like the author is saying that CF people avoid maturing and are just all about fun AND that they have a fear of growing older. I don't know if this was meant to be implied, but that's how I read it. TO ME, I find that many parents have children because of the (subconscious) FEAR of how to fill the next 60+ years ahead of them. It can be daunting to think of all the open roads before me, but I'm grateful and excited, especially because I have several Childfree/Independent of Dependent friends to join me. The author seemed to imply that CF/IOD people are free from responsibility or care and don't need to grow up. This is a falsehood. Having children doesn't make someone mature or responsible. It can be a motivator for someone to become that way, but not everyone NEEDS to pop out a kid to realize they should get their life in order. I'm sure the author did not mean to imply that we shirk responsibility, but that it might appear we do.
Three Categories as developed by the author: Childfree by Happenstance, Childfree by Choice or Childfree by Circumstance - I'm a little fuzzy on the difference between Happenstance and Circumstance. To me, they represent the same thing, but the author seems to imply that Happenstance means a person just never ended up with a partner during their fertile years and that Circumstance is for people that wanted to have kids but were infertile. I don't know if the distinction is as I've surmised or that it's clear enough. In Laura Scott's Two Is Enough there was a category for those who ended up CF because of their partner's strong choice and their ability to be okay with not having kids. I just found Walker's categorization to be a bit fuzzy.
p 68 Selfishness - Some childfree people are happy to admit they are selfish, but I have a hard time doing so. I think all humans are selfish and it is a survival instinct. Parents are not selfless for having children... it's just the group they protect is bigger, so they are selfish for a larger group of their DNA. It's the same as if I'm out with friends and there is an open table at a bar... I'm looking out for the good of my group and will try to get that table for us and let others fend for themselves. My group is where my loyalties lie. And we all know that people have selfish reasons for procreating: wanting someone to care for them in old age (RIGHT!), wanting to have the experience of being a parent, etc. I think less focus needs to be put on selfishness/selflessness because it doesn't seem relevant to me. Just because I don't have a small family group to care for doesn't mean that I don't extend good will by other means, such as volunteering or caring for my nephews. I don't like the idea of selfishness even though some people are happy to lay claim to it. Ah, now I see my notes more clearly... I wrote that the author didn't cover the selfishness topic well enough because she didn't mention how it can be selfish to have children for the wrong reasons and that the section basically only said CF people didn't feel guilty for having so much free time.
p 71 Sometimes the differences become isolating and we can be left out by mothers/parents because we seem to be dis-trustworthy and we have to makes steps to show we "accept kids" - This makes me bristle. I understand the author is saying we need to have a little give and be ambassadors for the Childfree community. I selectively do this with people I care for that have children so that they know I'm not hateful of their kids. I'm very vocal about my choice to be IOD and it can be offputting to mothers. But, yes I make it a point through my actions to show them I can be around their child and not shrivel into a pile of ash. But I won't go too much out of my way. I did go to a friend's party for her 1 year old boy and it was at a Children's Museum. My mom and I even took the birthday boy around for a bit but he was hungry and I couldn't help him. He just wanted his mama! So I relinquished the crying birthday boy. But he was cute in his little vest and hiking boots! See?! I went to the party and spent time with the little one because I WANTED to, not because I felt it was my duty. I care for the little guy and his parents are wonderful, so of course I want to be there for them and celebrate. My choice to stay an aunt doesn't mean I don't want to celebrate and spend time with kids! In fact, I really like having kids around because I like to teach them it's okay to be goofy and just enjoy life! I do this with my nephews and I've done this with all the kids I've nannied or as a camp counselor. It's my way of spreading silliness and joy. Letting kids be kids and take their joyful attitude into adulthood with them. Life is meant to be enjoyed and that's something I like to promote. Something I'm ABLE to promote because I'm not focused on my own children, but can be there for others. So, I guess, the author has a point, but it still threw me off. It made it seem like 'we' have to make the parents feel comfortable and they don't have to make us feel okay. But it is give and take. Each CF/IOD person feels differently about how much they want to be included with parents and kids, and it's up to them to indicate it. Okay... moving on... ;O) -I agree with the author's section about how our time is OUR time. The evenings and weekends are our leisure time, not filled with the children's activities or catering to what the kids need. That's one of the benefits to my IOD Choice... I can fill up my time in ways that make me feel like a happy and fulfilled person, without being distracted by the needs of children. That can be a BIG struggle for parents, but as a CF/IOD person, I'm very happy with this benefit. This doesn't make me feel selfish, but motivated. I have many projects that I chose to do with my time. Writing this blog is one of them. IT WORKS FOR ME. Everyone should be free to make this choice.
- I like the inclusion of the section on Singles, since the previous book didn't touch well enough on it for me. IF I ever choose to look for a partner (my projects are my loves right now), I would only date another CF/IOD-minded person. I don't have a desire to be a stepmother. As much as I realize that there are children out there that need love and fostering, my decision to be childfree includes children biological or not. The idea is that my life isn't leading towards mothering, no matter where the kid comes from. So, I have to be content to contribute by volunteering. It's much easier on the wallet and less time-consuming ;)
p. 119 - Healthy lifestyles and kids as a motivator to stay healthy - I find that to be a bit misleading. I'm sure there are unhealthy people who don't have kids. The author even mentions one. But she also mentions that because of more free time, Childfree adults are able to use that time to do activities such as healthy cooking and fun exercises like skiing or running. The author also mentioned a study that showed parents consume more fats, saturated fats and sweets and salty snacks that Childfree people. The idea of providing a healthful diet for children is a big scary thing for me. I have a hard enough time making sure I eat enough of the right foods during the day. I'm not up for the task. I can understand how parents can go for the easiest route... when I have my nephews for the weekend.... well, it's not all healthy food. I DO always have fruits and veggies for them. Their parents live on an organic farm, so I know a concerted effort is being made to raise these kids on real food. And that's a big deal! I agree with the person on page 121 who says that personality is the driving factor to a person's healthy or unhealthy lifestyle, rather than whether or not they have children. I think kids can act as a motivator sometimes, but I also agree with the fact that parents are more susceptible to disease, not only from contact with their children, but because being a parent can be stressful, leaving parents with less time to sleep and recharge their body. I enjoy the fact that I can respond to my body's needs and get extra sleep when I need it. (I sleep a LOT... it's just how my body is!) Actually yesterday I was able to stay home from work and I thought about the fact that I wouldn't necessarily have been able to recuperate (including my 3 hour nap) if I had a child to care for. Being a parent is a 24/7 job and I'm happy I work in a different field! ;)
p 126-7 - EXPENSIVE! - "Families that make $70,000 a year or more will spend $260,520 to raise a child from birth through age 17, and this doesn't include college tuition, which can add up to $150,000 more for a four-year education. - OUCH! Well, I know I'm not in that tax bracket AT ALL. I work three jobs and would be lucky if it totaled to 30K. So, no, having a child is not financially an option for me. BUT, what IS an option for me, is to save money for my retirement and save money for my travels. In fact, $5 is going into my travel savings fund for writing this blog post. Because I have my goals and my priorities, I'm able to attain what I want. Some people DO want to spend obs and gobs of money on rearing children. Good for them and best of luck to them. But I hope they'd be just as willing to wish me well on MY goals. Often times, people try to place importance on the idea of raising a family and any other use of one's time is seen as frivolous. I disagree. I think it's more important to identify what makes YOU happiest and how you can attain it. Living up to someone else's standards will NOT make you happy.
p 130 - The author mentions one interviewee said parents are often reluctant to travel for business while Childfree people are able to do so and might look forward to it. - I saw this in action. I happened to have taken off a month from work so I could travel for a GREAT flight deal, visit friends and family in six cities (not something parents can do!) and while I was sitting in an airport, biding my time, I couldn't but hear a frustrated mother on the phone berating her kids or husband for not remembering a dentist appointment and calling the dentist to reschedule. From the airport. A mother's work is never done. Mothers are important people. But sometimes I feel they LIKE it! How many of you have mothers that can be described as 'martyrs'? I know my mother gripes about how much she has to do for us, even now. But sometimes, if they relinquished a bit more control and ASKED for things to be done... well, maybe their children and husband might step up to the plate! I know that's a bit utopian, but if a woman never asks for help and only gripes about not getting any help... it's not really a healthy environment for anyone.
Another idea mentioned by the author is having kids means you may likely have to work a job you don't like because the children have financial needs that can only be met by a steady income. - This is a frightening reality. We don't know which way the river flows. Look at the economic downturn of the past recent years. How many parents lost jobs? You can bet most of them had to take jobs beneath their pay level just to keep food on the table. I can't imagine how stressful that must be. See above, where having kids is EXPENSIVE! As a single person, if I hit bad times, I can move into a home with others. You can't really do that if you have a large family. Well, many immigrants do it, but that's a different story. But working an unpleasant job is one of those 'sacrifices' parents make for their kids. It's something for people to consider when looking at their options. You don't HAVE to choose to sacrifice things you want because society tells you it's how you mature and it's the next step. You can look at your life and what you want to do with it. So if you choose children or no children, you know you are being true to yourself.
p 130-131 The workplace oftentimes punishes those who don't have children with more chances to leave work (sick kids), more money (single moms), no discounts on health insurance as compared to those with kids, etc.) - There are a number of reasons that parents seems to have advantages over people like myself. The main difference is that in my department, most are salaried people, while 5 of us are hourly. So right there, there are a number of differences that aren't quite fair. I won't go into it because it's specific to my situation. I do know that it generally isn't balanced treatment and changes need to be made. Just because I don't have to run off to pick up a kid from school doesn't mean I wouldn't like to leave early as often as the others who still get paid.
p 132 Tax breaks. - Grrrr. I don't understand why tax breaks occur. Why are people being rewarded for having kids when it's because of the increase of the population that more services are needed? Why don't I get a tax break for NOT having kids? My taxes pay for public education, but I don't have any kids that benefit from it. (My nephews are homeschooled.) I think there should either be more options across the board (I volunteer a LOT) or there shouldn't be any tax breaks. It just seems like a lop-sided, goofy, unfair system.
p. 137 The author wondered at the idea that since many childfree people will end up in retirement homes, we'll still be surrounded by the elderly who will talk about their children and grandchildren and will NEVER escape. The author hoped that by the time she retired, there would be a childfree retirement home! - HA! Yes!
p. 142 - The author talked about the need for growth in terminology. 'Childless' is used by some people who wanted but couldn't have children and they, and parents with children, may take offense to 'Childfree' while those who like that term are proud of their choice. - This situation was part of the inspiration for the title of this blog. I wanted to be able to refer to my lifestyle that doesn't contain children without referring to children. I'm not a 'non-BMW owner'. Independent of Dependents or IOD seems to be a tax term to refer to our chosen lifestyle. I like it and I hope it catches on. For three reasons, 1)CF also stands for Cystic Fibrosis 2) IOD sounds like IUD which is a method of birth control. 3) My friends and I can lay claim to it! ;)
p. 146 - I REALLY liked the paragraphs on 'purpose'. To me, that's a very important theme. My life is IOD because that's how I feel I will best attain my purpose in life. To me, it's all about encouraging people to research this decision, the most impacting decision on their life, and to make a well-informed, heartfelt decision that is true to that particular person.
p. 149 - Having children doesn't make for a happier marriage. In fact studies show that happiness in marriage goes down with the arrival of the first child and increases when the children are gone. - I know it sounds like we are making that up to promote a baby-free agenda, but get the book and check it out for yourself! To me, it makes sense. Having kids isn't easy and adds A LOT of stress into a couple's life. It changes everything for them. Sometimes it works out well and sometimes not so much. You can't depend on an outside thing to make you happy.
p 151. - The author suggested nation-wide people abstain from sex for a week and see how it affects the population. - I really hope this was said in jest. Even I, as a non-parent, am well aware that many parents often go for more than a week without sex. So there goes that idea!
So... in conclusion to this very long book review on "Complete Without Kids", even though I took issue with the way the information was presented (based on a few interviews with unnecessary conclusions/assumptions), and even though I disagreed with things that were presented, I can tell from my own report that it does actually present the Childfree Life as something to be considered. The author would present her life and show how it would be different if children were involved. And for some people that would be welcome. It's just a matter of REALLY examining the choices thoroughly. As presented in this book, half of all pregnancies (in the U.S.?) are accidental. We as a society need to give our youth more information on how to stay safe and be well-informed and MAKE A DECISION. As technology and life options continue to progress and expand, so too do the messages we send to our youth, the emphasis our society puts on life choices and how to make them.
As always, I want to send out a reminder those parents that may read this (if you have, your kids must be busy ;) ).... Those of use who are Childless, Childfree, or Independent of Dependents, just want you to know, we are living our lives the way we want to. We chose what's best for us in our individual lives. It makes us happy. And we wish the same happiness and fulfillment for you in your lives. So please, don't freak out the next time we say "No, I don't have kids". I'm sure we can still find something to talk about! ;)
