Like the last book I reviewed, this book was researched and released in the 1990's.
The first thing I must point out is this... at the very beginning of the book (p 3-4), Safer states that she will refer to the lifestyle as 'childless' because no one can deny they are missing something. This immediately altered my perception of the author's viewpoint. I understand that she is trying to point out that by the very terms of it, choosing one option makes choosing the other impossible, and therefore you 'miss' the experiences that choice would have offered. But, as a person who is happy about my childfree choice, I do NOT feel as if I'm missing out. I realize there are different levels of relating to the concept of missing or not missing on the parenting experience within the 'no children' community. But for the author to determine that I am missing out on something does not fit my experience.
In my mind, I can't miss something I never had. I don't miss being a doctor because I never was a doctor. I don't miss owning a Lamborghini because I never had one. Safer contests that even mothers are missing out on the 'no children' experience (note... I'm apparently refusing to say 'childless' in this entry!) because they gave it up. Yes, a mother can miss the freedom she had when she was without children, but it is not the same for me... I can't miss being a mother because I never had children. I could hypothetically miss the idea of having children, but that would be the idealization of the role, not the actuality of it. Just as a mother could idealize being childfree as sitting around and eating bon bons in the bathtub with no interruptions... actually... that is the childfree experience in a nutshell! ;) (I'm only partially kidding.)
Okay, so that big glaring problem out of the way... the book was pretty decent. It talked about when and how women decided, how personal history affected the decision, childfree marriages, creating an alternate feminine identity and the childfree legacy after death.
I think so not to bore you, I'll just include the quotes I liked. A 'best of' section, of sorts (with page numbers). These quotes are from either the author OR one of the interviewees. My notes are in italics:
- "Being different can be immeasurably enriching, but it marks you. There is a price for the unconventional life." p.19
- "Many people gain maturity by becoming parents, but I hope to achieve it by choosing not to. This demands self-reliance; having no one to live through or to do what you could not, forces you to seek meaning within yourself alone. I know everything depends on me. It really does for everybody, but children can permit parents to elude this essential and disturbing awareness temporarily." p. 34
- "True maturity, I discovered, is doing something even though your mother wants you to." p 36 Hahaha! I like that one!
- "I know in a way kids are a celebration of family and life, but if we had them, we'd have to stop doing what we were put on this planet to do." p 58 This was said by one of the husbands. I find it profoundly truthful to my point of view.
- "Despite the fact that motherhood is supposed to be a woman's supreme fulfillment, for them it seemed more of an obstacle to fulfillment." p 76 Completely true for me.
- "an incredible stubborn love of freedom" p 80 Love it and have it and love that I have it!
- "childlessness is both a preference and a means of self-preservation" p 81
- "The voluntarily childless woman finds maternal responsibility almost claustrophobic." p 85 That one is so me!
- "they see their brand of caretaking more as a choice than a handicap." p 85 I believe this came from a section that reiterated that there are many ways to nurture others and that many CL/CF/IOD women (and men) do nurture through relationships or volunteering or some means and they find these opportunities rewarding because it is a choice, not something forced upon them. That and you can set time limits on those things....kids, not so much.
- "My life is not better or worse than that of a woman with children - it's just different" p 92 (Janet Frank)
- "The daughters of talented, discontented women such as these don't just avoid childbearing in reaction to negative examples; they also feel inspired by their mothers." p 111 Because so much emphasis is put into the nature vs nurture theory when a person goes against the norm, there is often times pointing fingers as to how his or her history affected it. It's important to understand that people who choose to have a childfree/IOD life are not doing so ONLY because they had a 'bad childhood' but they could have had the best childhood possible and still chosen to not have kids.
- "She became herself by being different." p 115
- "She must design her destiny for herself and deal with the world's reaction to her nonconformity." p 144
- "Childlessness is un-American; it's like being a traitor to your flag." p 146 I suppose this is probably true in most countries/cultures as they seem to be very natalistc.
- "to do something you really want makes you feel like more, not less." p 149
- "need an unusual degree of self-confidence and self-acceptance." p 152.
- "... so my sense of myself is pretty intact. I don't miss what I don't have; I'm comfortable with who I am." p 155
- "refutes the assumption that mothers have a monopoly on compassion" p 160
- "She acquired something rare and precious as a result: time to reflect on ways of being that most people don't have." p 168 Is it easier for childfree people to find happiness because they aren't constantly pushing their own needs aside? I think so. We are in tune with our needs in the first place well enough to know having kids isn't right for us. Many people can't even look in the mirror, much less take the time to self-improve.
- "Friends replace family as the lifelines for the majority of the women I met." p 172 This rings very true for me. I have a strong network of friends that support me in ways my family is not capable of doing. We are born into families of people that may not understand us, but we are blessed when we find others with whom to surround ourselves to ensure our happiness.
- "My life is my child." p 182
- p. 50 - The author found that studies found that those who opted to not have children were typically the firstborn or only child. I don't find this to be true.
- p. 62-64 talks about the experiences of a woman who had people try to GIVE her their children! She was a war correspondent and these people wanted her to (a) have the joy a child brings (b) give their child more opportunity. I found this to be so interesting! (More interesting than the woman who's best friend cut her off because she wouldn't be a surrogate mother for her!! That's just selfish on the part of that woman demanding that of her friend! Yuck!)
- p. 139. Scientists thought that a higher divorce rate among those without children indicated unhappiness but now realize those without children have an easier time deciding to divorce because they don't 'have to stay together for the kids'. Marriages with zero children tend to be more egalitarian, more cohesive and satisfying, longer-lasting and more fulfilling.
- p 146-147. Childless women are resentful b/c others (mothers) do not support their choice. This is important. In order to create a healthy society in which all people are encouraged to make a conscious choice about the child decision, the result of each individual's decision should be respected. To not do so creates conflict, which I'm sure we've all come up against.
- p 148 - a highly developed responsibility makes them choose not to have kids.
- p 148 and around there... had some horrific stories of people butting in and telling strangers they should have kids or they're missing out or they will regret it or they are selfish etc. How rude!!
- p 150-151. One person emphasized the idea of mentally (or verbally, if you're brave!) questioning the people who question you. By being steadfastly childfree and happy about it, you make them uncomfortable because you don't reinforce their choice or because they are unhappy with their choice.
- p 151-152: Even when a person or couple is happy and comfortable with their choice, there is still a sense of exclusion in the community. "need an unusual degree of self-confidence and self-acceptance." p 152.
- One person mentioned seeing an elderly woman admitted to the hospital w/o family or next of kin. The observer was happy to think she'd have a long list of friends to come to her aid in her old age. To me, that's not exactly true/is idealistic for multiple reasons. Hospitals primarily view 'kin' as the only people allowed to visit or make decisions. I personally don't want several of my family members making my medical decisions because we don't agree on some thing. But hospitals don't even let same-sex partners make the decisions sometimes. So what I'm saying is (a) the system of relationship qualification for legal purposes is broken and (b) the idea that your friends will rush to your aid in your old age is probably just as idealistic as the concept that one's own children will care for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment