Book Review: Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity by Mardy S. Ireland

Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity

Ireland, Mardy S.

This book was very heavy on theories but I found it to be quite satisfying. The author categorized women as 'traditional' (wanted to be mothers but infertile), 'transitional' (women who delayed children by life circumstance) or 'transformative' (women who actively chose to not have children).

I obviously fall into the last category, but this book was a great chance for me to understand other women. The book also focused a LOT on theories and different psychologist and the formation of the conscious and unconscious lives of humans. It touched on Freud and other theorists. This bit got to be quite heavy, but was still informative and interesting.

This book was published in 1993 which is nearly 20 years ago. The author looks at women who were born after World War II as part of our culture's duty to thrive. So there have been changes in the demographic makeup since then, but this doesn't make the book/research irrelevant by any means. It basically reminded that many of these women experienced life during the wave of feminism and it helped to formulate them.

There were many interesting parts to this book having to with gender and personal identification. I appreciated that the book/author focused on the creativity that women are allowed to pursue in their lives that is a valid lifestyle. I view myself as a creative person, so I know that my creativity is my 'child'.

There were SO many good parts to this book, that I find it hard to wrap up without a looooong reivew as previous entries. (The purpose of these reviews should be to give you an opinion on the work, not give you a novel to read before the book!)

Basically, the author posits that by limiting humans to gender roles, we prevent men and women from tapping into their strengths whether a woman be more aggressive and a man more nurturing or what have you. And that the childfree woman is often seen as a threat to both mothers and males, but needs to be welcomed as a valid life choice.

The theory part of the book was sometimes hard to read (and some hard to stomach, especially when Freud and Lacan talk 'lack') but the interesting point mentioned in some of it was 'language' and creating the language necessary for females to be seen outside the realms of motherhood only. That was part of the reason for creating this blog... to give us another method of describing our lives, without referring to something our life does not involve. I am Independent of Dependents, I am Childfree, I am a Creative Person with Purpose.

I do really recommend this book and want to know if anyone else has read it or plans to read it. It's different from many of the other Childfree/Childless books because it is more intellectual and theoretical than any I've read before.

Book Review Time!!! "Two is Enough" and "Complete Without Kids"

Last month I finished reading:

Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice

by Laura S. Scott  


I didn't take many notes on it but I do remember is that it was statistically driven off of surveys and essays and interviews. As a single woman, I thought it lacked information about the Childfree Single. One thing I definitely took away was someone's comment about how being CF (or as we like to call it: IOD...Independent of Dependents) allows a person to travel NOW instead of waiting until retirement. That person recalls visiting Greek ruins and being saddened to see elderly people unable to make the climb to the top to see the grandiose ruins they had traveled to see. To me, an ardent traveler, that is really sad! Life is meant to be enjoyed NOW, not put off.

I also remember that the book was more positively driven than not. Often times chosing to be CF/IOD seems like a struggle, constantly having to prove to people that we aren't crazy and that we are making a VALID CHOICE. So it's no wonder sometimes a CF/IOD person can get defensive or angry... if someone is telling you that you don't know what you're doing with your life, just because he or she chose something different. I've gone through the stages and will continue to, depending with whom I'm speaking. Of course, we need to be able to vent our frustrations with ignorant people or bad parents, but at the end of the day, you get more flies with honey.

So, the above book was a good read. It was geared towards CF/IOD (IOD is the agreed-upon, created term my friends and I developed) and also those who are considering the CF choice. I think it's very important that children are seen as a CHOICE. If we continue to promote it as a CHOICE and not 'just what you do', we are encouraging people to be more responsible for their own decisions. (Of course, religion does often get in the way of proactively preventing pregnancies... but that's not the theme of this topic).

________________________________

And tonight was a CRAZY Friday night. I just finished reading: 

Complete Without Kids: An Insider's Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance

by Ellen L. Walker

 

I did actually take notes on this book (as I will for the other 5 or 6 CF books I have checked out!!! I have a lot of reading to do!)

 

This book didn't sit as favorably with me. The author drew too many conclusions and made assumptions that I found unnecessary. She postulated that so-and-so would have been a good mother had she met someone. She postulated that a Japanese exchange student probably went on to have kids because she probably felt awkward being one of 2 childless females in a room of 50 at a Church retreat. I found these assumptions detracted from my enjoyment of the story. 

I'll now refer to my notes and provide page numbers where possible. Excerpts or ideas from the book will be in italics and my notes will be in plain text.


p. 48 'Suzanne' expresses sadness when she sees families portrayed in movies as being happy and having intimate connections. The idea of missing out eats at her.  - Of course the movies are going to portray things as perfection! Movies set unrealistic expectations for the audience. That's why you have to take everything with a grain of salt. And I'm saying this as someone who is involved in the film industry! Unless the story has to do with a dysfunctional family, you won't see that as part of the storyline. Or, the film shows happy happy happy to set up the meltdown and the return to happy happy. It's just like when I watch a romantic comedy, I know it's outside the realm of normal. 


p. 52-53 Having it all: career and mothering leaves a woman stressed and not present -  This I agree with and find important to mention. We lost our own war with feminism. We felt the need to prove we CAN do it all, work AND be mothers. But to what end? Mothers who have guilt and aren't able to be everywhere at once? Spreading themselves so thin between career and parenting that they lose themselves? TANGENT: On a photo of an Italian female government representative Licia Ronzulli who brought her baby to the voting session... I saw SO many mothers responding to it with pride about how women can do it all. One woman wrote "I'm a mother before I'm a woman". I was flabbergasted. You couldn't be a mother without being a woman first, biologically speaking alone. And you shouldn't be losing your identity into your children's lives. Luckily I saw a commenter write that it (bringing one's infant to work) was feminism fail. For more info on this situation....go here. Basically, as a mother, you are held to the impossible standard of having to prove that you are superwoman. And if you don't happen to measure up, you are in for a world of guilt.


p 66-67 "Having Fun and the Fear of Losing Youthfulness" - I don't like this section of the book. It's too short and I feel it misses the point and misconstrues the issue. It seems like the author is saying that CF people avoid maturing and are just all about fun AND that they have a fear of growing older. I don't know if this was meant to be implied, but that's how I read it. TO ME, I find that many parents have children because of the (subconscious) FEAR of how to fill the next 60+ years ahead of them. It can be daunting to think of all the open roads before me, but I'm grateful and excited, especially because I have several Childfree/Independent of Dependent friends to join me. The author seemed to imply that CF/IOD people are free from responsibility or care and don't need to grow up. This is a falsehood. Having children doesn't make someone mature or responsible. It can be a motivator for someone to become that way, but not everyone NEEDS to pop out a kid to realize they should get their life in order. I'm sure the author did not mean to imply that we shirk responsibility, but that it might appear we do.


Three Categories as developed by the author: Childfree by Happenstance, Childfree by Choice or Childfree by Circumstance - I'm a little fuzzy on the difference between Happenstance and Circumstance. To me, they represent the same thing, but the author seems to imply that Happenstance means a person just never ended up with a partner during their fertile years and that Circumstance is for people that wanted to have kids but were infertile. I don't know if the distinction is as I've surmised or that it's clear enough. In Laura Scott's Two Is Enough there was a category for those who ended up CF because of their partner's strong choice and their ability to be okay with not having kids. I just found Walker's categorization to be a bit fuzzy.


p 68 Selfishness - Some childfree people are happy to admit they are selfish, but I have a hard time doing so. I think all humans are selfish and it is a survival instinct. Parents are not selfless for having children... it's just the group they protect is bigger, so they are selfish for a larger group of their DNA. It's the same as if I'm out with friends and there is an open table at a bar... I'm looking out for the good of my group and will try to get that table for us and let others fend for themselves. My group is where my loyalties lie. And we all know that people have selfish reasons for procreating: wanting someone to care for them in old age (RIGHT!), wanting to have the experience of being a parent, etc. I think less focus needs to be put on selfishness/selflessness because it doesn't seem relevant to me. Just because I don't have a small family group to care for doesn't mean that I don't extend good will by other means, such as volunteering or caring for my nephews. I don't like the idea of selfishness even though some people are happy to lay claim to it.
       Ah, now I see my notes more clearly... I wrote that the author didn't cover the selfishness topic well enough because she didn't mention how it can be selfish to have children for the wrong reasons and that the section basically only said CF people didn't feel guilty for having so much free time. 


p 71 Sometimes the differences become isolating and we can be left out by mothers/parents because we seem to be dis-trustworthy and we have to makes steps to show we "accept kids" - This makes me bristle. I understand the author is saying we need to have a little give and be ambassadors for the Childfree community. I selectively do this with people I care for that have children so that they know I'm not hateful of their kids. I'm very vocal about my choice to be IOD and it can be offputting to mothers. But, yes I make it a point through my actions to show them I can be around their child and not shrivel into a pile of ash. But I won't go too much out of my way. I did go to a friend's party for her 1 year old boy and it was at a Children's Museum. My mom and I even took the birthday boy around for a bit but he was hungry and I couldn't help him. He just wanted his mama! So I relinquished the crying birthday boy. But he was cute in his little vest and hiking boots! See?! I went to the party and spent time with the little one because I WANTED to, not because I felt it was my duty. I care for the little guy and his parents are wonderful, so of course I want to be there for them and celebrate. My choice to stay an aunt doesn't mean I don't want to celebrate and spend time with kids! In fact, I really like having kids around because I like to teach them it's okay to be goofy and just enjoy life! I do this with my nephews and I've done this with all the kids I've nannied or as a camp counselor. It's my way of spreading silliness and joy. Letting kids be kids and take their joyful attitude into adulthood with them. Life is meant to be enjoyed and that's something I like to promote. Something I'm ABLE to promote because I'm not focused on my own children, but can be there for others. So, I guess, the author has a point, but it still threw me off. It made it seem like 'we' have to make the parents feel comfortable and they don't have to make us feel okay. But it is give and take. Each CF/IOD person feels differently about how much they want to be included with parents and kids, and it's up to them to indicate it. Okay... moving on... ;O)

-I agree with the author's section about how our time is OUR time. The evenings and weekends are our leisure time, not filled with the children's activities or catering to what the kids need. That's one of the benefits to my IOD Choice... I can fill up my time in ways that make me feel like a happy and fulfilled person, without being distracted by the needs of children. That can be a BIG struggle for parents, but as a CF/IOD person, I'm very happy with this benefit. This doesn't make me feel selfish, but motivated. I have many projects that I chose to do with my time. Writing this blog is one of them. IT WORKS FOR ME. Everyone should be free to make this choice.


- I like the inclusion of the section on Singles, since the previous book didn't touch well enough on it for me. IF I ever choose to look for a partner (my projects are my loves right now), I would only date another CF/IOD-minded person. I don't have a desire to be a stepmother. As much as I realize that there are children out there that need love and fostering, my decision to be childfree includes children biological or not. The idea is that my life isn't leading towards mothering, no matter where the kid comes from. So, I have to be content to contribute by volunteering. It's much easier on the wallet and less time-consuming ;)


p. 119 - Healthy lifestyles and kids as a motivator to stay healthy - I find that to be a bit misleading. I'm sure there are unhealthy people who don't have kids. The author even mentions one. But she also mentions that because of more free time, Childfree adults are able to use that time to do activities such as healthy cooking and fun exercises like skiing or running. The author also mentioned a study that showed parents consume more fats, saturated fats and sweets and salty snacks that Childfree people. The idea of providing a healthful diet for children is a big scary thing for me. I have a hard enough time making sure I eat enough of the right foods during the day. I'm not up for the task. I can understand how parents can go for the easiest route... when I have my nephews for the weekend.... well, it's not all healthy food. I DO always have fruits and veggies for them. Their parents live on an organic farm, so I know a concerted effort is being made to raise these kids on real food. And that's a big deal!
     I agree with the person on page 121 who says that personality is the driving factor to a person's healthy or unhealthy lifestyle, rather than whether or not they have children. I think kids can act as a motivator sometimes, but I also agree with the fact that parents are more susceptible to disease, not only from contact with their children, but because being a parent can be stressful, leaving parents with less time to sleep and recharge their body. I enjoy the fact that I can respond to my body's needs and get extra sleep when I need it. (I sleep a LOT... it's just how my body is!) Actually yesterday I was able to stay home from work and I thought about the fact that I wouldn't necessarily have been able to recuperate (including my 3 hour nap) if I had a child to care for. Being a parent is a 24/7 job and I'm happy I work in a different field! ;)


p 126-7 - EXPENSIVE! - "Families that make $70,000 a year or more will spend $260,520 to raise a child from birth through age 17, and this doesn't include college tuition, which can add up to $150,000 more for a four-year education. - OUCH! Well, I know I'm not in that tax bracket AT ALL. I work three jobs and would be lucky if it totaled to 30K. So, no, having a child is not financially an option for me. BUT, what IS an option for me, is to save money for my retirement and save money for my travels. In fact, $5 is going into my travel savings fund for writing this blog post. Because I have my goals and my priorities, I'm able to attain what I want. Some people DO want to spend obs and gobs of money on rearing children. Good for them and best of luck to them. But I hope they'd be just as willing to wish me well on MY goals. Often times, people try to place importance on the idea of raising a family and any other use of one's time is seen as frivolous. I disagree. I think it's more important to identify what makes YOU happiest and how you can attain it. Living up to someone else's standards will NOT make you happy. 


p 130 - The author mentions one interviewee said parents are often reluctant to travel for business while Childfree people are able to do so and might look forward to it. - I saw this in action. I happened to have taken off a month from work so I could travel for a GREAT flight deal, visit friends and family in six cities (not something parents can do!) and while I was sitting in an airport, biding my time, I couldn't but hear a frustrated mother on the phone berating her kids or husband for not remembering a dentist appointment and calling the dentist to reschedule. From the airport. A mother's work is never done. Mothers are important people. But sometimes I feel they LIKE it! How many of you have mothers that can be described as 'martyrs'? I know my mother gripes about how much she has to do for us, even now. But sometimes, if they relinquished a bit more control and ASKED for things to be done... well, maybe their children and husband might step up to the plate! I know that's a bit utopian, but if a woman never asks for help and only gripes about not getting any help... it's not really a healthy environment for anyone.


Another idea mentioned by the author is having kids means you may likely have to work a job you don't like because the children have financial needs that can only be met by a steady income. - This is a frightening reality. We don't know which way the river flows. Look at the economic downturn of the past recent years. How many parents lost jobs? You can bet most of them had to take jobs beneath their pay level just to keep food on the table. I can't imagine how stressful that must be. See above, where having kids is EXPENSIVE! As a single person, if I hit bad times, I can move into a home with others. You can't really do that if you have a large family. Well, many immigrants do it, but that's a different story. But working an unpleasant job is one of those 'sacrifices' parents make for their kids. It's something for people to consider when looking at their options. You don't HAVE to choose to sacrifice things you want because society tells you it's how you mature and it's the next step. You can look at your life and what you want to do with it. So if you choose children or no children, you know you are being true to yourself. 


p 130-131 The workplace oftentimes punishes those who don't have children with more chances to leave work (sick kids), more money (single moms), no discounts on health insurance as compared to those with kids, etc.) - There are a number of reasons that parents seems to have advantages over people like myself. The main difference is that in my department, most are salaried people, while 5 of us are hourly. So right there, there are a number of differences that aren't quite fair. I won't go into it because it's specific to my situation. I do know that it generally isn't balanced treatment and changes need to be made. Just because I don't have to run off to pick up a kid from school doesn't mean I wouldn't like to leave early as often as the others who still get paid. 


p 132 Tax breaks. - Grrrr. I don't understand why tax breaks occur. Why are people being rewarded for having kids when it's because of the increase of the population that more services are needed? Why don't I get a tax break for NOT having kids? My taxes pay for public education, but I don't have any kids that benefit from it. (My nephews are homeschooled.) I think there should either be more options across the board (I volunteer a LOT) or there shouldn't be any tax breaks. It just seems like a lop-sided, goofy, unfair system.


p. 137 The author wondered at the idea that since many childfree people will end up in retirement homes, we'll still be surrounded by the elderly who will talk about their children and grandchildren and will NEVER escape. The author hoped that by the time she retired, there would be a childfree retirement home! - HA! Yes!


p. 142 - The author talked about the need for growth in terminology. 'Childless' is used by some people who wanted but couldn't have children and they, and parents with children, may take offense to 'Childfree' while those who like that term are proud of their choice. - This situation was part of the inspiration for the title of this blog. I wanted to be able to refer to my lifestyle that doesn't contain children without referring to children. I'm not a 'non-BMW owner'. Independent of Dependents or IOD seems to be a tax term to refer to our chosen lifestyle. I like it and I hope it catches on. For three reasons, 1)CF also stands for Cystic Fibrosis 2) IOD sounds like IUD which is a method of birth control. 3) My friends and I can lay claim to it! ;)


p. 146 - I REALLY liked the paragraphs on 'purpose'. To me, that's a very important theme. My life is IOD because that's how I feel I will best attain my purpose in life. To me, it's all about encouraging people to research this decision, the most impacting decision on their life, and to make a well-informed, heartfelt decision that is true to that particular person. 


p. 149 - Having children doesn't make for a happier marriage. In fact studies show that happiness in marriage goes down with the arrival of the first child and increases when the children are gone. - I know it sounds like we are making that up to promote a baby-free agenda, but get the book and check it out for yourself! To me, it makes sense. Having kids isn't easy and adds A LOT of stress into a couple's life. It changes everything for them. Sometimes it works out well and sometimes not so much. You can't depend on an outside thing to make you happy. 


p 151. - The author suggested nation-wide people abstain from sex for a week and see how it affects the population. - I really hope this was said in jest. Even I, as a non-parent, am well aware that many parents often go for more than a week without sex. So there goes that idea!

So... in conclusion to this very long book review on "Complete Without Kids", even though I took issue with the way the information was presented (based on a few interviews with unnecessary conclusions/assumptions), and even though I disagreed with things that were presented, I can tell from my own report that it does actually present the Childfree Life as something to be considered. The author would present her life and show how it would be different if children were involved. And for some people that would be welcome. It's just a matter of REALLY examining the choices thoroughly. 
         As presented in this book, half of all pregnancies (in the U.S.?) are accidental. We as a society need to give our youth more information on how to stay safe and be well-informed and MAKE A DECISION. As technology and life options continue to progress and expand, so too do the messages we send to our youth, the emphasis our society puts on life choices and how to make them.

     As always, I want to send out a reminder those parents that may read this (if you have, your kids must be busy ;) ).... Those of use who are Childless, Childfree, or Independent of Dependents, just want you to know, we are living our lives the way we want to. We chose what's best for us in our individual lives. It makes us happy. And we wish the same happiness and fulfillment for you in your lives. So please, don't freak out the next time we say "No, I don't have kids". I'm sure we can still find something to talk about! ;)

PEACE