Book Review of "Women Without Children: The reasons, the rewards, the regrets" by Susan S. Lang

 Book Review of: 
Women Without Children: The reasons, the rewards, the regrets
by Susan S. Lang

This is another book written in the 90's (published in 1991). Like the previous book, I would recommend this book to anyone, parent or not. Also, like the previous book, I had renewed it four times at the library because it's taken me a while to find time to read. 

I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it. The tone was that of a research paper and was very thorough, examining every facet of the situation and all the different ways women find themselves without children. 

I found a lot of interesting historical facts as the author recounted the history of childlessness. One was that post Civil War days, the youngest daughter was usually expected to stay single and care for the aging parents. Another was the fact that during the Great Depression, many couples made sure they didn't have kids, via one method or another because they literally couldn't afford a(nother) child when they couldn't even find food for themselves!

I loved hearing some of the thoughts of women in this book, specifically a spitfire 100 year old woman who maintained that if you are lonely in your old age, it's your own fault! (She was emphasizing the importance of creating the life you want to lead with people you want to spend time with.) 

One of the reasons so many books were written about the childfree choice in the 90's, from what I can tell after having read all these books, is that the baby boom of the 80s and 90s was in full swing. Women were trying to have it all and it was (and is) incredible and impossible. 

The author did a great job with the subject of infertility and highlighting that a person has to mourn before they can accept and either decide to adopt or to remain without children. 

There were LOTS of good quotes in this book. 
- p 140 "She didn't downgrade the importance of motherhood but rather began to upgrade the value of her own life."
- p 153 "It's probably a blessing for the children never born to me that I didn't have them."
- p 171 "It's not that our past rules our present, but rather, that it inhabits our present." (I had first read it as 'inhibit', which I almost like more)
- p 180 "Planned Parenthood has a saying that friends can get you pregnant faster than husbands." (referring to the validation women seek amongst friends for their choices.)

 I really enjoyed this book. I noticed I didn't take as many notes on this book as I had done with the others I've reviewed previously. I don't know if that was because I really wanted to finish this book (it's overdue at the library), I'm kind of burnt out on the childfree literary topic, the tone of the book had less super-important facts, or what it may have been. I will provide two snapshots of quotes on loss that I REALLY like. They were written in terms of infertility, but I find them very applicable to everyday living.  

p 142

 
p 179

So, this book is very much recommendable to others, despite being legal to drink (the book was published in 1991.... it's 2012? Oh forget it.) A lot of the information in here is very interesting. It's very academic in nature, which means it's more unbiased and informative and observant in nature. This and the book before are perfect delegates, diplomats, lessons for anyone on either side of the parent/nonparent discussion. And this may be the last childfree book review for quite a while, unless the library comes pushes out those other requests I have. But I'm most definitely looking forward to filling my brain with new topics! PEACE!

Book Review: Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity by Mardy S. Ireland

Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity

Ireland, Mardy S.

This book was very heavy on theories but I found it to be quite satisfying. The author categorized women as 'traditional' (wanted to be mothers but infertile), 'transitional' (women who delayed children by life circumstance) or 'transformative' (women who actively chose to not have children).

I obviously fall into the last category, but this book was a great chance for me to understand other women. The book also focused a LOT on theories and different psychologist and the formation of the conscious and unconscious lives of humans. It touched on Freud and other theorists. This bit got to be quite heavy, but was still informative and interesting.

This book was published in 1993 which is nearly 20 years ago. The author looks at women who were born after World War II as part of our culture's duty to thrive. So there have been changes in the demographic makeup since then, but this doesn't make the book/research irrelevant by any means. It basically reminded that many of these women experienced life during the wave of feminism and it helped to formulate them.

There were many interesting parts to this book having to with gender and personal identification. I appreciated that the book/author focused on the creativity that women are allowed to pursue in their lives that is a valid lifestyle. I view myself as a creative person, so I know that my creativity is my 'child'.

There were SO many good parts to this book, that I find it hard to wrap up without a looooong reivew as previous entries. (The purpose of these reviews should be to give you an opinion on the work, not give you a novel to read before the book!)

Basically, the author posits that by limiting humans to gender roles, we prevent men and women from tapping into their strengths whether a woman be more aggressive and a man more nurturing or what have you. And that the childfree woman is often seen as a threat to both mothers and males, but needs to be welcomed as a valid life choice.

The theory part of the book was sometimes hard to read (and some hard to stomach, especially when Freud and Lacan talk 'lack') but the interesting point mentioned in some of it was 'language' and creating the language necessary for females to be seen outside the realms of motherhood only. That was part of the reason for creating this blog... to give us another method of describing our lives, without referring to something our life does not involve. I am Independent of Dependents, I am Childfree, I am a Creative Person with Purpose.

I do really recommend this book and want to know if anyone else has read it or plans to read it. It's different from many of the other Childfree/Childless books because it is more intellectual and theoretical than any I've read before.

TV Review: How I Met Your Mother "Symphony of Illumination"

All the things you get to do when you're not pregnant.

Tonight, "How I Met Your Mother," a sitcom that has spent six seasons building up the identity of the mother of Ted Mosby's children finally stepped away from focusing on Ted and got into the mind of one of the female characters for a change. And for once, the show that is so focused on settling down and having kids as the aim of life showed the child-free side in a realistic and even a little touching way.

If you haven't seen the show, the woman pictured above is Robin Scherbatsky, a TV journalist, who has always been vocal about the fact that she doesn't want kids. As Mosby's first serious love-interest in the show, the kids or no-kids issue was a deal breaker. Robin wanted to continue chasing her dream of being a journalist, traveling, and remaining free and independent.

So tonight's episode threw her a loop. Robin learned that she might be pregnant, and pregnant by none other than the show's lovable lothario Barney (Neil Patrick Harris- seriously, I am trying to make sure any non-HIMYM viewers follow me here!)

Barney takes this in a very uncharacteristically positive way, and goes from "commitment is something you tell girls you want so you can sleep with them" to "yay, we're going to have a baby" in a span of 10 seconds. And he tries to take Robin with him, dragging her to baby stores to convince her that having offspring would be fun.

Thankfully, the show brought Robin back to her principles. While baby-shopping with their pregnant friend Lily, Robin and Barney are confronted by all the terrors of pregnancy and child-rearing- tired parents, out-of-control kids, nipples cracking from breast-feeding- you get the idea. And when a doctor confirms that Robin is not pregnant, she and Barney do a happy dance of relief and joy.

But then the doctor brings on some more news: Robin isn't pregnant because Robin can't get pregnant. This suddenly puts a down note on what was otherwise a great episode on how not every accidental pregnancy is a joy. Instead of taking this news with relief that she won't have to worry about scares like this in the future, Robin becomes disheartened. She talks about how she wanted to be able to have the option later if she chose; suddenly she is stricken with regret over something she never wanted to begin with.

I know many CF people who would identify with Robin in this episode. They don't want children for many reasons, but they've never wanted to take away the option. It's an argument many child-free people run into in their lives. "Won't you change your mind?"

And truthfully, some CFers do. But they've thought very seriously about the challenges of having children and have taken the time to decide that is was right for them. The infertility news doesn't spur Robin to have IVF and get pregnant at any cost, but she mourns the loss of being able to change her mind.

But ultimately, she remembers why she chose not to have children- because it was not what she wanted out of life.

In the end, the episode wraps with Ted telling his future children about all the wonderful things their "Aunt Robin" accomplished- traveling, famous TV journalist, even a bullfighter- but most importantly "kids, there was one thing Aunt Robin never was: lonely."

A Childfree World?

     The interesting thing that I hear some non-Childfree/Independent of Dependent (CF/IOD) people indicate is that NOT replenishing our population is a BAD thing. With the world population set to surpass 7 BILLION people I fail to see what is so important about upkeeping these staggering numbers. A good number of the global population does not have access to clean water, sufficient food or health care and these are people who will be procreating for not utilizing contraception.
     The above article states:

 "Over the next forty years, nearly all (97%) of the 2.3 billion projected increase will be in the less developed regions, with nearly half (49%) in Africa. By contrast, the populations of more developed countries will remain flat, but will age, with fewer working-age adults to support retirees living on social pensions."

The argument I have heard is related to that last fact about less working-age people in developed countries. The article also points out:

"Although the issues immediately confronting developing countries are different from those facing the rich countries, in a globalized world demographic challenges anywhere are demographic challenges everywhere," said Bloom.

     So while it may be tempting to turn a blind eye to areas like Africa, you can see from the data that it will be responsible for half of the world's expected growth. In my personal factless opinion, (yes, I'm basing this off my perceived knowledge and would be interested to see solid research)... one of the reasons the African continent is affected by staggering numbers of HIV and pregnancies (and therefore orphaned children with HIV) is because of religious missionaries (Catholic? Christian?) that condemn the use of contraception. It creates a disconnect for the people in their daily lives. I do know of a friend that was working with the Peace Corps in Niger and was involved in a group instructing women about their personal health and contraception and from what I know, my friend was touched by how well-spoken these women were and how they took hold of the knowledge given to them.
    That project is very much in line with Bloom's call to action in the above article:

"We have to tackle some tough issues ranging from the unmet need for contraception among hundreds of millions of women and the huge knowledge-action gaps we see in the area of child survival, to the reform of retirement policy and the development of global immigration policy. It's just plain irresponsible to sit by idly while humankind experiences full force the perils of demographic change.""

 To me, it is foolish to think that as a population we need to keep procreating in order to 'meet our needs'. There needs to be restructuring in many areas to accommodate for the population be it larger or smaller.

Sometimes I wonder if those against contraception are afraid that the film "Children of Men"  from 2006 will become a reality. The film's summary: In 2027, in a chaotic world in which humans can no longer procreate, a former activist agrees to help transport a miraculously pregnant woman to a sanctuary at sea, where her child's birth may help scientists save the future of humankind. Yeah, this isn't likely to happen. But the fatalists that are against the use of birth control seem to think it will.

     To me, birth control is a use of technology that allows people to be more responsible in choosing if and when to bring more humans into this world. There is an example of this in Brazil.

     Basically, the government subsidizes the cost of birth control in Brazil, leading women to have less children in their families as of late. This can be an important step in breaking the cycle of poverty and preventing children from living without access to basic needs. The article states: "Despite having the most Catholics in the world, 80 percent of Brazilian women of childbearing age are using some form of artificial contraception" 
      This is very intriguing because the Catholic Church strongly opposes the use of contraception in any form. People are often very susceptible to the ordinances within their religion so for individuals to go against the expectations of a religious institution is very telling. My opinion is that many religions are out of touch with women's rights due to their patriarchal nature. Women are not just here to produce offspring for men but some religions seem to think so. Yes, I suppose many women do want to have children and therefore play into that part of biology but there are those of us who do not feel the biological urge and that is our prerogative. There comes a point in a person's life where they look at their religious upbringing and they look at what they want their life to be and they find an answer.
     Reproduction issues are not just a matter of religion but can have some political basis as well, as we see in China.  China has been known for it's 'one-child policy' which limits the number of children that a couple can have. But there are a growing number of couples or individuals who do not have children in China. This is sometimes for financial reasons or in cases of individuals, for lack of partner (whether by choice or situation). Of course, all the reasons to stay Childfree in Western nations must be true as well throughout the world. 
     At the end of June, this article detailed some reasons that a growing number of U.S. couples are staying childfree. The beginning of August showed that many NYC women are Childfree-minded as well.   From the June article: "...Nearly one in five American women now ends her reproductive years without children, up from one in ten in the 1970s." 
      As a childfree woman, this makes me happy. NOT because I hate children and think no one should have them (not true at all) but because these articles and facts show me that not only nationally, but internationally, men and women feel more freedom to follow what they know is right for their lives. With the use of technology and resources, we have access to others like us who support and understand this lifestyle. The propensity to procreate is reaffirmed daily in movies and advertisements and personal lives and interactions with parents who evangelize on the benefits of kids. Parents have all the reinforcement they need in other parents but childfree people need reinforcement as well.
    Childfree people are aware of what children are like. We all have been children, we all have been around children. If you are a responsible parent, we respect your decision as long as you don't force it upon us. My wish is that having children is seen not as 'the next logical step' but as one possible result of a well-thought out decision. I know what is right for me and even if I could be a good parent, if it is not what will make me happiest, it is unkind of people to encourage me to procreate. I never encourage them to get rid of their children with the adage "You'll change your mind" that so many childfree people hear from parents. I hope that with time and discussion, people will be allowed to make a decision and let others enjoy the happy result of theirs. I also hope that more children that need parents will be adopted into loving, caring homes. I am thankful for those people that can open up their hearts and homes to children that are in need in this world. To me, that is a sign of a wonderful parent... to love a child that isn't biologically yours but to love and provide for them as though they are. 
     Nia Vardalos, one of my favorite creative souls in the world, along with her husband, Ian Gomez, adopted a little girl, and is a proponent and a spokeswoman for an organization: Help Us Adopt. Adoption to me is a better option than fertility treatments because instead of spending gobs of money and years on fertility treatments, you could find a blessing in a child that needs you immediately. Humans are the only creatures that go through such lengths to extend our genetic makeup, yet we see videos and news all the time of animals that suckle and care for young that are outside of their species. I have chosen a childfree lifestyle because that is what works for me but I heartily applaud with all my heart and soul the wonderful people who can look past their DNA and/or the desire to birth their own baby and make love for adopted children a part of their lives. Peace.

In case you missed them... articles listed above:

• World Population to Surpass 7 Billion in 2011; Explosive Population Growth Means Challenges for Developing Nations  - Science Daily - July 28, 2011

• In Brazil, Women's Changing Roles, Attitudes Leading to Smaller Families  - PBS News Hour - Aug 30, 2011   

• In China, having children is no longer a given   - Los Angeles Times - Sept 02, 2011

• The No-Baby Boom  - Shine on Yahoo - June 28, 2011 
  
  
• We Say No to Babies and Yes to NYC: More city women are taking a pass on the Mommy Path  - New York Post  - Aug 2, 2011

An adventure with Google Images :)

*Note: I'm pretty sure this blog is trying to kill me. This is the second time I've created a post and had it disappear or mostly disappear during the editing process. Le sigh. Moving onward.... to make it bigger and better!!!*

So I found this image above at www.demacho.com and googled it. Found the one below in French that encourages you to just not have kids at all. Yay, Frenchies!

 The following one is a little scary.

 I do approve of the next one... :)

Don't let this last one fool you... That link takes you to a website about infertility and signing a petition to make insurance companies cover fertility treatments...and I quote:  

"Because of the cost of infertility treatment, many couples are being forced into childlessness or a lifetime of debt, just to have a chance to have a child."

I really disagree with this point because it nullifies the option of adoption. Somehow adopting a child isn't seen as noble a cause as giving birth to your own child. Another classy point they state:

"All people deserve to have families, regardless of income, employment, or status."

 Right, so we should encourage people with zero income to procreate because it's their right to have a child? What about the child's right to have their basic needs met? Guess that's not as important, huh?


Here is my favorite picture:

YES!!! I will take the one on the left.  *****The image comes from this article from 2006. READ IT! :)****

Other pictures of note that came from this clothing page.
Here are some of the more 'special' logos you can get on clothing:

^ I'm glad no one in my family is insensitive enough to buy this. Also glad my nephews have cousins on the other side of their family. ;)

This reads: "I Will Be a Mother! Infertility Warrior"
This logo/idea rubs me the wrong way because it makes motherhood into some obsession. I am an adoption advocate. I know there is an appeal to people who want kids to have their own DNA involved but this much emotion makes it seem unstable. You're fighting so hard for this idea when you could adopt a child and begin to love someone who really needs it. It's almost as if there's a disconnect between the idea of motherhood and the reality of it. And that can't be healthy. I know it's simple for me to say it and disregard the emotions of infertile couples, but ADOPT!!! Maybe you can become an "Adoption Warrior" and do some real good for kids that already exist? Just a thought...

^ Those pants are just obnoxiously strange.

Here are some other 'interesting' logos/phrases available for clothing:

• Please alert me if parts fall out. I have endometriosis.
• I had a Miscarriage and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!
• Barren
• Shhhh.... Guess What? Relaxing does not make a baby!
• Please! Ask me about my Uterus!
• Infertility hurts like no pain I've ever known, but thanks for bringing it up!
• I'm an Infertile. Buy Me a Drink!

These phrases obviously show how some people deal with infertility with humor while others are clearly sick of hearing about it and buy a t-shirt to scream out their favorite phrases... Hmmmm, maybe we should do that for being child-free? ;) OH WAIT!!!!! Just type 'childfree' at the same website as above and feast your eyes!!!!

• Smug Childfree Person
• I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in my vibrator.
• Cats...not brats!
• My cat/rat/dog/horse/snake is smarter than your honor student!
• Your kids are the reason I don't have any.
• If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my dog.
• My Inner Child Does NOT need a Playmate. (I'm fine as I am, Thank you!)
• OHMYGOD! I can't believe I forgot to have children!
• Children are for people who can't have dogs/cats.
• TGIC: Thank God I'm Childfree
• Save the Planet! Use Birth Control!
• Kids? No Way! I'm Having a Life Instead!
• Children Aren't My Cup of Tea
• For Novelty Use Only: Not Intended for Procreation
• Childfree and Proud of It!
• Non-Breeder
• Why would I want kids? I'm ENJOYING my life!
• I like the pitter patter of padded paws
• Will Not Breed in Captivity
• Make Love, Not Babies
• If I want a Baby Inside Me, I'll Eat It  (anyone who knows me has heard me say this one!!)
• Please Spay and Neuter your Humans because Overpopulation affects all of us
• We had to get rid of the children - the cat/dog was allergic
• Fixed
• Having a Dog/Cat Completely Fulfills my need to be a "Mommy"/"Daddy" 
• Attention! This villager is not responsible for your children!
• End World Hunger: Use condoms.
• You can have your "pitter patter" and I will sleep in!
• You might want to get your precious little angels away from me before I stun-gun them!
• Men with Vasectomies are really Hot!
• Children aren't my cup of tea
• My Ego has no need to replicate itself!
• Thinker: Two Healthy Incomes, No Kids, Early Retirement
• You Had Me at: I've Been Fixed
• The next person to ask "so when are you having kids??" gets strangled by a tampon.
• Adult on Board!
• Child-free means free to be ME!
• OMG! I forgot to have children... on purpose!
• Child-free men Do It un-interrupted!
• You have kids? Bummer, you were so cute too.
• Don't Ask Me About My Kids (I don't have any and I don't plan to)
• Last I checked, our family is complete
• Want More Ass? Snip your Vas!
• Blissfully Child-free by Choice!
• I'll take barking dogs over screaming sprogs!
• Thank you for not breeding
• I'd rather have cancer than children    (woah)
• Your kids were no trouble at all. I told them there was free candy about 6 blocks from here. Haven't seen them since!
• Not Selfish Enough to Have Children
• Me + Your Kids = Crime Scene
• Do I look like someone who would baby-sit?
• I don't live in your village. Raise your own damn kids!
• I was not put on this earth to give you nieces, nephews or grandchildren.
• Children: A Grave Social Disease
• I am Childless! Therefore I don't care!
• Choose Life! Don't Have Kids!
• I don't have sex with breeders.
• Grandchildren: It's What's for dinner.
• I could give you grandchildren, but I'd have to steal someone else's.
• Grandchildren means your child had SEX.
• Grandchildren: less inheritance for me.
• Grandchildren: you're not getting any from me.
• I can't BEAR children.   ;) get it?
• Honey, I don't hold anything under 21!
• Sure you can bring your kids. Can I bring my stun-gun?
• Child-free and lovin' it!
• If you want Kids: Adopt! There's plenty for everyone!
• The Planet is Breeding to Death
• Parenthood is a Life Sentence without Parole
• New Flash! Your screaming kids are NOT cute!
• Does Not Enjoy Your Children
• When You Stop Having Wars, I'll Start Having Children
• No Semen Demons from this body ever!
• I'm not pro-choice. I'm anti-baby!
• Babies are for suckers.
• I hate your screaming brats.
• I abstained from parenthood.
• Not Mommy Material 
• Not Daddy Material
• I Eat Babies
• Born without Paternal Genes
• Don't Have 'Em, Don't Want 'Em
• Those who can, do. Those who can't, breed.
• Office Baby Shower Fund? Only if Everyone gives to my new kitty shower fund.
• Living the Vida D.I.N.K.
• Leave a Legacy of Deeds, not Seeds
• You Breed Them, You Feed Them
• I Like Children. They taste like Chicken.
• I tried to think of good reasons to have children but there weren't any.
• Not Parent Material. Not Now, Not Ever
• More time should be spent considering children than conceiving them.
• Snipped & Fabulous

As if that wasn't enough... there are some that just have to be seen!!! Enjoy!

Enjoy your childfree day!!! ;)