The Reviews are In: Book, Comic, Article and Movie

BOOK REVIEW: Well, I ran off and read "No Kids: 40 Good Reasons to Not Have Kids" in one day. As soon as I was done, I declared to my mother: "Well, I now have 40 good reasons to not have kids, but I only needed one: I don't want them." She, mother of five, poo-pooed me and said "Once they're out of diapers your old man will take care of them." It's sad to me that my mother seems to believe I'm crazy to want a life of freedom when she is part of my inspiration. My choice has nothing to do with her mothering, but more so that I saw what she gave up for us. Isn't part of being a parent to let your child have the best life possible? I don't think my 'best life' involves procreation. That's not a crime, but people treat it as such.

Author of the above book, Corrine Maier, found that she was treated criminally when she suggested she, at times, regrets having her two children:

"There are some things that a mère de famille - the mother of a family - just doesn't say, or she risks being seen as a monster. The party line is, "I'm proud of my children: if there is one thing I do not regret, it's becoming a parent."   p.4

Maier also points out that it is necessary that a mother is the author of a book such as this:

"There are some things that only a mère de famille can say, if she has the nerve to come out and say them. If I had written this book without having had children, everybody would have accused me of being an embittered and jealous old hag. I expect I'll still be called an unworthy mother." p. 12

Honestly, as a mother, Maier is much more well equipped than a non-parent to detail reasons why one should close the door on parenthood. There are details about taxes and school registration and other such things that I as an 'Always Adoring Aunt' won't actually know without research. And since Maier is writing from the French perspective, there are of course other governmental tax systems when it comes to having children.

This book is short and easy to get through. I highly recommend it for the Independent of Dependents (IOD) crowd for reaffirmation of their choice; the parents that want to commiserate the difficulities of parenthood AND understand it's okay to admit that a childfree lifestyle would have its benefits; and for those people still on the fence about the decision to procreate. After reading this book, I was scared even more so into my choice of staying IOD. There are so many non-romantic, non-fairy tale elements of child-rearing and Maier does a superb job of NOT sugar-coating them. Thank you, Corinne Maier!!!


COMIC STRIP REVIEW:

This comic strip speaks to me personally about why I don't want children... I don't want my sense of identity to be wrapped up in the lives of other people. I don't want to define myself in realtion to others, especially not when it comes to sacrificing myself and my goals. BIG KUDOS to those who are able to put aside many things they had dreamed of in order to attempt to bring about a good life for their offspring, but not me.

This entire comic strip, day after day, shows the trials and tribulations of parenthood. While funny and relatable to many people, to me, it's also a warning of what life could be. I'm not saying parenthood is equivalent of being incarcerated, but I'll bet some parents feel that's what it's like sometimes. And honestly, it basically is. A sentence of 18+ years of guardianship and guidance. But I don't want my life to be spent trying to raise children and tell someone else what to do. In fact, my father was still trying to discipline my 20 year old brother and I at the dinner table the other night, telling us not to be "crass" i.e. stop burping and farting and laughing about it. But my poor father is like Rodney Dangerfield... He 'gets no respect'. My mother even joined my brother and I when we were laughing uncontrollably at my father's tirade against bodily functions. Poor Dad. Just trying to play the disciplinarian and trying to make us suitable dinner guests. Well, that just goes to show... a parent's job is never done.


ARTICLE REVIEW:  http://omaha.com/article/20110529/LIVING/705299911#age-old-decision

This article was featured in the Sunday paper and immediately caught my eye. It features the trend of women waiting longer before they have children. Some of their reasons feature wanting to travel, wanting to become more accomplished and focused, wanting to have the financial ability to raise children, being able to increase their pay before having children (often there is a larger pay gap for women who already have children), or meeting their partner later. The statistics show that 76% of women who have college degrees become mothers, while 88% of women with less than a high school degree become mothers. This to me is interesting. It's not to say that if you have more education you don't want children, but it seems if you have a higher education, you realize that other opportunities exist and take part in them. Of the families featured in the article, none mentioned adoption or fostering as an option to child-rearing and to me, that is a little disappointing. I'm glad that there is an increasing trend to live one's life and MAKE a decision for children, but there still is a large focus on the importance of starting one's one biological family. I'm sure there are many children out there who would benefit very much from the worldliness and financial stability these 'older' parents are able to provide. Personally, I have a hard time with the biology of childbirth. I really wish humans were more compassionate and were able to love other children that already exist, rather than needing to have their own biology reflected in their offspring. I know there are many people out there who lovingly open their homes to adoption, but unfortunately, it's not enough and there are too many children in unsafe foster situations. IF I were to ever want children someday, I do hope that I would be able to open my heart and take part in adoption or fostercare; to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. I do so wish that people who want so badly to be parents could consider fostering or adopting children in need. Love is love, isn't it?


MOVIE REIVEW: When I grabbed 'Auntie Mame' (1958) off the shelf at the library, I wasn't thinking about using it for a research point, but after watching it I'm delighted at how well it fits with my beliefs. Originally I was thinking, 'Ah, Rosalind Russell! An old classic movie! Gotta watch it!' After watching it, I do believe I may have watched it before as part of my Film Studies degree, but it was still fun to watch. The premise is of a young boy who goes to live with his wild aunt in New York. I love the message. 'A woman doesn't have to give birth to be a mother, to have grandchildren.' 'Being an aunt can be just as fulfilling as the role of mother.' 'A woman can live an amazing life without having to give birth.' The list goes on and on. It's a film about poo-pooing accepted standards. Mame even takes in an unwed mother, which was quite a stigma back in the day. This movie makes me smile, because it is one of my ambitions to be Auntie Mame! I want to be the fun, free-wheeling aunt who has all the love and adventures to give to my wonderful nephews (maybe future neices?). I want to be the one who can afford to be frivilous and fun and exciting. There is glory in this to be sure. And the funny thing is, that my glorification and idealization of the role of 'aunt' is the same that many young women put on the role of 'mother'. But the thing is, I'm already an aunt. I know what the reality of it is. I can choose how often I get to see my nephews, how involved to be. As a mother, that isn't a luxury one has. It's a committment. Being an aunt is and isn't a choice. I was given the role of aunt, and it's one I accepted excitedly. But I could have very well denounced it or been uninterested and still held the title of 'aunt'. Some might say that motherhood isn't a choice, that it just 'happens'. But those are people who probably have very strict religious views about contraception and/or abortion. We live in a world of science and technology. We have a choice. There are many choices in this world. No one should look down on another's choice, is it not? You wouldn't dare to convince me, a person who gets weak at the site of blood and broken bones, non-science minded, with an unsteady hand, to become a brain surgeon, now would you? So why dare to try to convince me to be a mother, when I'm in love with traveling and art and exploration and sleeping in and creating and living a lifestyle of MY choosing? If you aren't going to be there to change the diapers at 2 am, you better not try to tell me to have children! And I won't tell you to climb an active volcano or jump off a cliff to go paragliding (both of which I've done!). Leave my adventure to me, and you can have your adventure of your choosing.

"Diapers or diamonds? Now, I'm sure I could have both, but I'm not greedy. Driver, pull the car around. We're going to Tiffany's!" - Me! DPS 5/30/2011

Peace, in whatever YOU choose!
-D

I'm Just Going to Come Out and Say It...

I'm going to say the one thing that mothers always scoff and tell me isn't true, even though I think it every time I'm handed a cooing infant whom upon contact with me turns into a bawling, screaming inconsolable child.

I think babies hate me.

I've been building this theory for some time, basically since I was about 12 and started babysitting for neighbor's kids. This came up again when I was asked to watch my cousin's darling baby girl Thanksgiving morning while the rest of the family went on a run/prepared for the holiday feast.

I accepted but warned my dear cousin, was she sure she wanted to leave her with me? I promised that I could keep her from injury, keep her fed, but keeping her happy for a few hours? At best, the baby eventually tolerated my presence once her grandfather came to get her; at the worst she cried in indignation that someone other than her biological parents dare wake her from her crib.

It's not that I hate them, far from it. I pour over my cousins' kids baby pictures, and they're about the most stinking cute things I've ever seen. I would love to be able to play with the little ones. But in their first months of life young humans really seem to hate everything I do, and noisily inform me of this. Older children either find me amusing or ignore me, which is fine, but babies...they just seem to hate me.

If I may present my evidence:

1) Children cry when I look at them. I'm not very good at getting infants to laugh, apparently. I make the same goofy faces as their parents. I tickle them. Nothing, not even a giggle. The wailing at my very sight continues.

2) All crying, screaming, wailing and general sounds of torture stop when he/she is handed back to his/her mother. As soon as mom is back to hold and comfort the child, the screaming stops. Pass back to me, cycle begins anew.
3) No amount of doing "the right thing" stops the screaming. Babies cry. This is a fact. But the crying is most often a result of "I need to be changed," or "I'm hungry," or "dang it, woman, it's too darn hot in here, get me out of this blanket!" So I do those things- feed, change, rock, cuddle, sing to them, all to no avail.

I was taught repeatedly that mothering is natural for women, that wailing pink babies should spurn a natural ability in me to comfort and to nurture. Babies should respond to this instinct in kind, nuzzling into one's shoulder. So then why does the screaming continue? My sisters don't have children either, but this ability to swoop in and care for a screaming infant seems to come naturally to them. In their arms, the crying stops, and the happy cooing begins.

Science is finding that mothering may be even more genetic than learned. Do I lack a gene that my female family members got? Perhaps. Perhaps babies think I smell funny. Others suggest that the maternal instinct is largely a cultural myth, and not everyone is cut out for the infant stage.

Whichever may be the case, babies' fear of me is only one of the reasons I have chosen to remain IOD. It gets really difficult to explain this to my family or my colleagues or other friends with children. They insist that if I just popped out a kid of my own, I would do a complete 180 and become Mother of the Year.

But I would rather not find out when the decision cannot be unmade. It's only responsible, and to me it's only natural.

Introduction to Independence

Is a 26 year old female too young to know what she wants in life? No? Then why do I get the impression from *some people* that I'm too young to decide that I want to be *child-free*? Not many people would tell a 26 year old female that she is too young to decide she wants children. In fact, there may be many people who would question why a 26 year old female doesn't already have children. But those same people would probably tell a 26 year old male that he has plenty of time before he settles down. Nice little double standard, eh?

This blog sets out to tackle the huge issue of wanting to procreate versus wanting to NOT procreate. Of course, some books and blogs exist on the issue already, and I'm actually quite excited to start reading them more in depth, which of course I'll discuss in future blog entries. I've also asked a couple like-minded girlfriends to co-blog with me. And I'd LOVE to have the male population represented on this issue, so childfree men.... if you are interested in blogging, let me know!!

My background on the issue is such: I've known since I was a senior in high school that having children didn't seem like a preferable option for me. Of course, growing up, I assumed I'd be a mother, because I was given the impression that's 'just what a female does'. But after some time considering my future goals and what motherhood really meant AND becoming an aunt three or four years prior, I began to realize, motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be AND you aren't REQUIRED to have kids. From approximately age 18 to current age of 26, I've gone through different levels of openness on the issue. What I mean by this is, the level to which I would push the issue. How vocal was I and how much did I fight about it, trying to convince people, be they relatives or coworkers or strangers, that I WAS and AM capable of making such a decision.

I've been blessed by having a family that doesn't really care one way or another. In fact I have an aunt on either side of my parents' families that is childfree. And these are the 'cool aunts'. Of course, I love all my aunts (and uncles), but a childfree aunt has more liberties, has less people demanding her time, so she can afford to do fun things with her nieces and nephews. Not to say that my aunts that have children are 'lame', but there IS a difference. The 'fun aunt' can swoop in at a moment's notice and whisk the kids off somewhere fun. The 'fun aunt' can bring zany gifts, can spoil the kids rotten. And it's actually been such a joy for ME to play the 'fun aunt' to my three amazing nephews. This isn't saying my sisters aren't 'fun aunts' to the boys, but says more about ME and how I get to define myself.

One summer before my senior year of college, I got to live with a 'fun aunt' and uncle. It was one of the most entertaining and fun summers I've had. I was taking summer classes and working in the college town they lived in (an hour away from my birth/current city). My uncle has three daughters so my aunt got to be a grandma without giving birth. WIN! But many of my aunt and uncle's friends actually don't have children, (two couples and a single woman come to mind). I got the chance to talk with them many times about what it was like to be in their 50s and not have kids and the different experiences they came across when people found out and questioned them. One of the first things I remember most, is the terminology.

For many years, people without children have been labeled 'childless'. This term, as it was explained to me, is actually a bit demeaning. It denotes that the person is 'less' of a person for not having children. It could also denote that they were unable to have children and are upset about it. Instead, the preferred term is *childfree*. Free of children! How wonderful indeed! Free of worry and responsibility, right? Well, not having your own children doesn't mean you lose all sense of concern for other kids you know (nieces and nephews etc). But the term 'childfree' does a better job of highlighting the freedom that comes with that lifestyle. Because none of those couples had to worry about children, we were all *free* to head off any weekend to go relax at the cabin. Or we were *free* to go out to a bar or out for dinner or catch a show or go for a drive or do whatever! And there were no concerns about children. That was a great glimpse for me what it means to be *childfree* in your 50s. And I liked it! And I'm excited for it! I'm excited to stay *childfree* and continue to be *the fun aunt*.

But I got to thinking yesterday... why do I still have to refer to children to denote that they won't be present in my life? You wouldn't say "I'm a non-Chicago resident" or "I'm a non-BMW owner". We don't define ourselves by what we don't have, so why do I have to refer to children to say I don't have them? I was boggled and put the question to my friends. What terminology should we use? Liberated? Free? Happy? Rich? ;) One of my male friends came up with a great one, which you see here: "Independent of Dependents". That's the closest we could find to something that shows that people that don't have children aren't lacking a rich life because of it. We are independent of the mutual dependence that children require: Children depend on their parents for everything, and in turn, parents come to depend on their children for affection and identification of their role in the world.

Obviously, by the length of this entry, one can tell there is sooooo much to say on this issue. I haven't even begun to delve deeper into reasons we choose this lifestyle, responses we get from people or difficulties 'IOD' people face. If there's anything you should take away from this initial entry before my co-bloggers and I expound upon the issue, know this:
Childfree/People that are IOD do not hate children, we aren't any more selfish than the average human, we don't hate people who do have children, we aren't bored or moping about our lives and we have thought this through.

I look forward to writing more to provide a forum where other childfree/IOD's can relish in the growing knowledge of our lives AND so that people who do have children are able to have a place to learn more about something they may or may not comprehend. It's also hopefully a spot where anyone who is on the fence can learn to weigh the options and make a decision that is best for them. So, after a lengthy entry, I'm off.... to begin reading this:

No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children  by Corinne Maier

http://www.amazon.com/No-Kids-Good-Reasons-Children/dp/0771054777

PEACE!

-D