"Never Say Never"

Recently, via social media, I asked a drag queen (one of my favorite entertainers) if he thought he would ever have kids and he said "probably not but you can never say never". Maybe he meant he couldn't say 'never' and that is his right. Some people may not see children as a part of their lives but could be open to it 'should the stars align'. More power to 'em on their life adventures! (And may they be prepared!)

But for those of us who have thought long and hard about the decision to procreate/raise children, we can say 'never'.  For me:
I will never be President of the USA.
I will never be a marine biologist.
I will never be a doctor.
I will never climb Mount Everest in the buff.
I will never procreate/have children.

Of course, there is ALWAYS the possibility that I may be put in a mother role, due to unforeseen circumstances that I don't want to imagine. (For me, this does not include dating a man with kids, b/c I feel so strongly about it, that if a man has kids, the dating will not even commence. We all have our standards and if you wouldn't bend your 'no drugs' rule for a drug addict that could be 'the one'.... then don't be surprised if I stick with my guns on the child thing.)

As a female at age 26 (some would say: too young to decide to be CF but not too young to be a mother?!?!), with my experiences of being a child, being a babysitter, being a camp counselor and being an aunt for the past 12 years, I think I have the right to say the word 'never' when it comes to the child decision. 

Yet there is a stigma that follows this declaration. There is something about humans that when they hear the word 'never' they want to point out to that 'it's possible!!!' Sure, many things are possible. Notice that I didn't say "I will never kill another human being"? Because, technically, it is possible. Of course, I do my best to avoid it but a situation calling for the death of another person could arise, i.e. self-defense. Or someone just really pissing me off. JUST KIDDING!

But humans just want to be right and sometimes that means saying: "You never know".

1) There is no benefit to the person saying this except supposed 'bragging rights' were I to 'change my mind.' Therefore this statement is self-serving and egotistical. It will NOT make me change my mind as it is NOT persuasive and has no bearing on the reality of birthing and raising children.
2) With the amount of technology and knowledge we have, it is very possible to avoid pregnancy altogether, so I'm quite sure I 'know' I won't be having children.
3) Whatever possibilities that may occur in life, it will never change the amount of responsibility that children bring.

This last one is very important. Saying "I'm not having children" is not the same as saying "I'll never move to Texas". Someday, I may move to Texas but it is not an occurrence that comes with a lifetime of responsibility or change.

Sometimes, I think 'I could possibly be persuaded to adopt years into the future' but then I remember... in most cases, where the kids come from doesn't affect the amount of work that children bring. Adoption, though less physically demanding than birthing and diapering, (I don't like the baby years) does not prevent me from having to deal with all of the other things that I am trying to avoid by not having children in the first place. In this case, adopting would actually be selfish of me because I would be doing it to feel better about myself, to feel as if I'm helping children out. But I'm not helping them out if I don't actually want to have kids around me 24/7 for the next couple decades.

I counteract this 'impulse' to help other people by volunteering with special needs kids. It leaves me both exhausted (after 3 hours) yet very fulfilled. I can then tackle all of the other life goals I have for myself that factor into my decision to remain Independent of Dependents.

It's similar to a situation I faced recently at work. I could stay at my regular job that had all the perks I enjoyed or I could apply for a job that doubled my pay but would stress me out with quadruple the work-load and many job elements that I am happy to not currently have. I had to fight the impulse of 'but I feel like I should' to really identify what is best for me. And I really am all the happier for it, despite not having the extra money that I wasn't missing anyway.

So, while saying "I never want kids" sounds flippant and therefore deserving of a flippant "Never say never" response, saying 'never' is not flippant when it is actually the end result of a well-thought out decision.

And it is a very important decision that should be respected whether a person chooses something you would or not. I choose to remain Childfree/Independent of Dependents/The Fun Aunt because it is what I truly desire and I know that will give me the space/time/energy to be happy/free/me. But I also need to respect those who have chosen the Children Choice. If I'm not supposed to ask 'Are you sure?' to a woman who says she wants children, I deserve the same respect when stating my desires for my future.

So, if you could 'never' imagine your life without your children, know that I feel just as strongly about 'never' having children. Yeah? So if I say 'never', you better believe it! ;)

Peace.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that employing the concept of 'never' can have a negative connotation, implying that a person isn't open to the marvelous possibilities of life. But the list of things I'll never do are realities I'm okay with and would rather not do anyway. It's possible to employ the concept of 'never' and keep a positive and realistic view on life and what an individual desires in his or her own unique life. Capiche?

Stereotypes: Selfish and Indecisive

I had a much longer draft, but the save feature was broken. :( But that's okay, because this one turned out swell. I was going to do two articles but one will do for now. Enjoy!

"One woman's childfree facebook status ignites Facebook free-for-all"   Lilit Marcus writes about her situation when she posted she would be talking about her childfree choice on The Today Show. The link provided also includes the segment that aired.
     I was happy to see the segment that aired on national TV so the lifestyle gains exposure and hopefully more acceptance but it's also silly that we have to make a news clip to help some of the more obtuse breeders understand that not everyone wants to pop out babies. Do we need a segment to explain that not everyone wants to be doctors either? I can imagine some mothers watching the segment and exclaiming: 'Can you believe that some women don't actually want to be mothers? What's wrong with them?!' This often seems to be the mentality.
    Laura Scott, author of 'Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice' was also featured during the Today Show segment and said that two of the stereotypes childfree people encounter is that they are selfish and they will change their mind. In her text, Lilit Marcus speculated what would happen if she were to tell a pregnant woman that she would change her mind a few years after having kids.
     It always astounds me when people suggest I will change my mind. As if I haven't had enough experiences with children to know what it entails or that some man will come sweep me off my feet and change my weak, feminine resolve. I am one of five children and many cousins. I was a babysitter, a camp counselor and I'm an aunt to three wonderful, amazing, vivacious boys.
     I think I'm pretty well aware that it takes oodles of time, money and energy to be a parent. I'm pretty sure I know my interest in the idea of motherhood and I can gauge my capacity for the position. Even though I know I'm capable of it, I don't want to be a mother. I don't want to climb Mt. Everest in the buff. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to want to be a police officer. I don't want to live in Alaska. I know myself better than anyone else so for people to suggest they know what I really want is ridiculous, absurd and rude.
     'You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy'. The right guy won't want children either. This is dating requirement #2 (attraction is obviously #1). Will you change your mind about marrying a drug-user when you meet one who is ever so swell? Probably not. Because hopefully that's part of your screening process in the early stages of the game. The desire to remain child-free is part of my requirements. If it's not met, well, sorry buddy.
     'It's selfish for you to not have kids'. This is one of the most ludicrous, insulting statements I've ever heard. I will never understand the logic behind this one because it is faulty. As one of the speakers in the Today Show segment said, having children is seen as a rite of passage and most people accept that without much question. They assume it's part and parcel to a happy life and can't comprehend a life without children. To me, these people must hold child-rearing in such high regard that it seems they almost believe it's the only pathway to a higher plane. They believe that if they don't sacrifice, they aren't a good person. Martyr syndrome, anyone?
     Does having children make you unselfish? I contest that it doesn't and many times makes people more selfish. People try to reason with me that if I don't have kids, there will be no one to take care of me in my old age. Now, isn't that selfish of them? They assume that their children will be there for them without even taking into account their children will be human beings that will have free will and their own desires and ambitions. Children grow into adults of free thought and individuality and there is no guarantee your children are going to like you or even stick around. To be morbid, there is no guarantee that your children will outlive you. No thank you. I don't think I will procreate in order to have people take care of me if and when I get old. I will let hired help take care of me. That's what I'll pay them for.
     Another somewhat-selfish attachment to breeding is wanting a piece of yourself and your spouse to be created and commemorated, to carry on some family blood line or some other such thing. Obviously, it's your right to have your own biological children but if you really love kids all that much and they're so precious and wonderful, why haven't you considered adoption? If there's so much love in your heart, why can't you extend it forward for children who already exist? Children who have been otherwise mistreated or abandoned? Or do you have some superiority complex that demands your bloodline is endangered or important? Although I don't fault people for having their own children if they are able, I find the stigma of biology rather silly. And could be considered borderline selfish, but Lord knows they don't want to be insulted the same way they insult child-free people with the word 'selfish'.
     Why is my choice to lead my life towards joy seen as selfish anyway? I try to be a good person and follow my hopes and dreams. But if I don't put those dreams aside, I'm somehow selfish? There is seriously no other way I can redeem myself if I don't have kids? I don't find this to make a smidgen of sense. I want to be happy. If I know that having children is outside my desires, why is it selfish of me to NOT bring children into this world? I don't want to harbor feelings against children for ME not accomplishing my goals. So I'm going to work on accomplishing my goals. Why is it any concern to anyone else?
     In an effort to show how judgmental these people are, I will admit, that for the past couple years, I've been using some of my free time (childfree time) to volunteer with special needs youth. Does that make me selfish? Think back to when you were expecting. Didn't you secretly hope you wouldn't have a disabled child? Of course we are humans and of course we are selfish. It's part of self-preservation. You're not going to wish to purposely have a disabled child because it is a lifetime of extra time, money and energy. If it happens, I wish you the strength, energy, resources and openness to accepting this challenge and opening your heart to it. These families astound me and I pray they have joy and strength. I'm writing this, not to applaud myself for my good deed but as an example to people who think childfree people are selfish. With the time we have not raising children, some of us make an effort to help those of you who do. Childfree people are capable of so much that still brings us joy and happiness and helps us find our fulfilled life. Just because I choose a different lifestyle than you does not make me selfish and you not. Nor does it make you selfish and me unselfish. We are human beings working towards joy and happiness. That is what is important.
     So tell me again, do I know myself well enough to make my own life choices? Does the decision to not procreate make me categorizable into a stereotype? Or are we capable of so much more than these misunderstandings and labels?