10 Movies That Will Scare Your Uterus Shut

When people ask me why I don't want children I have a long list of reasons I've remained IOD: no interest in motherhood, want more of my own free time, etc. It's a very long list. I believe I am currently at over 50 reasons I am IOD. But at the top of my list is the idea of having children scares me. I'm talking nightmare-inducing, wake-up-in-a-pool-of-sweat, screaming- for-God-and-mother terrified.

And Hollywood has done its best to pick up on this fear and crank it up to 11 with a litany of movies featuring creepy and demonic children that will make you pray for sterility.

10. Children of the Corn

The children of Gatlin, Nebraska are creepy little mini-humans who prove that a loving close-knit community is no match for kids with corn knives. The kids follow the mysterious "He Who Walks Behind the Rows," a disembodied being who burrows through the fields like an invisible Bugs Bunny. HWWBTR tells their leader, a boy named Isaac with a freakishly high voice and creeptastic face, to kill all the grownups in town. Yeah, the children pick up corn knives, axes, and restaurant cutlery and begin to brutally murder every adult in the county. Having rid themselves of bedtimes, chores, and all other parental punishments, they trash the town with corn cobs and murder two stranded motorists and any child who dares play with a board game. Also, ritualistic suicide upon their 19th birthdays is now tradition.

The Horrifying Point:

Kids are as susceptible to crazy religious dogma as adults, and just because you're bigger than them doesn't mean they can't make your fingers come flying off with a ham slicer.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

The children slaughter every adult inside a cafe on cue.

9. The Good Son

Aw, look, it's Macauley Culkin from Home Alone! He was so cute in that movie. I think I'll go give him a hug- OH MY GOD, HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!

That was essentially the premise of this movie. Macauley Culkin, already famous for being a cute and tenacious home security system, appears to be a good wholesome child. That is until your back is turned and he started a-murdering people. By murdering people I include the following: his baby brother, his kid sister, a neighbor's dog, and oh yeah ABOUT 10 PEOPLE ON THE HIGHWAY.

The Horrifying Point:

We often think of children as being purely innocent, and for all the horrible cliches of this movie, Culkin is not only bloodthirsty but selfish to the point of killing his own mother to get his way.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

Culkin shoots the neighbor's dog for sport.

8. Village of the Damned

Once upon a time, in a sleepy little hamlet, a meteor crashes and magically every woman in the town becomes pregnant. I'll let that creepy point sink in first. Every woman in the town, virgins included, become pregnant simultaneously. And they give birth simultaneously to silver-haired, violet-eyed alien babies. The alien babies become ghastly little children who are also freak-geniuses and telepathic. Their eyes start swirling and everyone does what they want. And they do just what any freaky smart, hive-mind alien children would do with this power- force the adults to off themselves when they get in their way. Eventually the only way to stop the little alienoids is to lock them in a building and blow it sky-high before they leave the village and start taking over other places.

The Horrifying Point:

While the movie was originally made in the 1960s to make a point about vulnerability to invasion by the evil communist Russians intent on taking over democracy, it also shows that while they may be your children raised in your loving care, it does not mean they are anything like you.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

When one of the creepy kids is nearly hit by a car, the fellow creepy kids surround the driver and force him to drive into a brick wall.

7. The Exorcist

Latch-key kid Regan likes to play with Ouiji boards, talking to her friend from beyond. Her working single mom thinks that's just fine. She's a good kid, right? Just playing around? WRONG. Regan gets herself all possessed by a demon, which causes her to thrash around, pee on the carpet, stab herself with a crucifix, and projectile-vomit pea-soup across great distances. When her poor mother has tried everything- doctors, psychiatrists, everything a normal parent watching her child fall apart would do- she gets desperate and turns to the Catholic tradition of exorcism to make her daughter make into a normal functioning member of society. And she does get a cure, but not before throwing priests out of windows and snapping their necks first.

The Horrifying Point:

Okay, so Regan is a teenager not a child, but think about this: every parent, even the best intentioned, has no idea how to handle an out-of-control teenager.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

I won't even describe this one. Just put on the DVD and skip forward to the crucifix stabbing scene. I'm not responsible for your nightmares.

6. Lord of the Flies

Based on the novel that everyone has to read in high school, this is a creepy children movie that is completely absent of adults. Which is actually the point- when a plane crash lands a group of military school boys on a deserted island, they are left to fend for themselves nary an adult left alive after the crash. Ralph, the good kid leader, tries to create order and civilized rules for governing them. Jack is the bigger, badder kid and goes primitive, taking most of the kids with him. It quickly turns into war games between the two camps as the violence escalates. And these kids do freaky stuff. One goes mad and starts worshiping a rotting boar's head. But eventually the boys turn to murder.

The Horrifying Point:

I'd like to point out that there was nothing wrong with these kids before they crashed. Nothing. Golding intended his novel to demonstrate that once the laws governing society crumble, care and compassion crumble too. But watching the film shows that kids without adult supervision are capable of the worst cruelties.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

The wild boys kill Piggy, a chubby helpless boy, for his glasses so they can start fires.

5. The Brood

Oh Cronenberg, how you love to creep us out. And this thriller goes straight to the ovaries. A psychologist who specializes in "psychoplasmics," a completely made up study in physical manifestations of anger, is treating a man's wife for her "condition." Simultaneously, there are lots of murders and mischief committed by enraged midgets, all wearing the same red hoodies and all with the same face full of ugly. It turns out the psycho psychologist (say that five times fast) has gotten a whole new result from his patient- she pops these demented toddlers off her body like spores. And she kind of likes it.

The Horrifying Point:

I could write a whole term paper on what this movie says about femininity, childbearing, and the role of motherhood. But the point is, unlike Village of the Damned, sometimes children can become the worst manifestations of their parents.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

The wife lifts up her robe to reveal her latest, uh, spawn. Please watch with caution. You might vomit.

4. Pet Sematary

Dead things should stay dead, and that includes children. But when the Creed family moves to Maine they find a convenient loophole to that rule. The pet cemetery by their house is special. Bury dead things in it, and they come back to life. So when their little son Gage is run over by a truck, Louis Creed takes the boy to the cemetery and poof! The boy comes back! But he comes back a viciously evil little version of himself. He's the most terrifying little boy you ever hope to meet, especially once he grabs daddy's scalpel. He goes on his merry way stabbing his mommy and the neighbor before attacking daddy, who has to put him down with a shot of morphine.

The Horrifying Point:

In desperation, parents will do anything to help their children but even taking the greatest intentions and hopes means that they risk doing even greater harm to their offspring.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

Gage comes toddling home to mommy and then stabs her in the eye. So much for a mother's love.

3. The Orphanage (Spanish: El Orfanato)

Ah, I've gotten to ghost children now! This movie starts out sweetly enough. Our heroine Laura grew up in an orphanage, where she played with her other orphan friends until she was adopted and left them all behind. Now an adult, she and her husband have dedicated their lives to helping other children. They've adopted a son with HIV, and now they've bought her orphanage childhood home to take in disabled children. Sounds good and kind-hearted, right? Well dead children aren't interested in humanitarian good deeds. Ghosts begin talking to her son and turning him against his mother. The ghost children cause a little havoc and steal Simon away from his parents, and Laura is forced to accept that she failed to protect her own child. I won't give away the ending, but it is both poignant and terrifying.

The Horrifying Point:

This is a movie that really strikes at the fear deep in every parent's heart: fear of their child going missing. The responsibility and guilt that comes with caring for children can cause reckless mistakes with deadly consequences, and no amount of love in the world can bring back a dead kid.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

Watch Laura run around with a snapped ankle and broken fingers screaming for her child and try to stifle the shivers running down your spine.

2. The Omen

Some days parents are convinced that their little darling may in fact be the spawn of Satan, and in this movie it's true. Damien, dear little Damien, was given to Ambassador Thorn and his wife when their own child is a stillborn. Dear little Damien starts exhibiting some creepy behaviors as a child. His nanny hangs herself. A priest ends up speared to death. So dear little Damien needs to be disposed of, but not so fast- people die protecting dear Damien, and he survives to fulfill his anti-Christ purpose. Like you do.

The Horrifying Point:

Evil may be something we are born into, not raised to be. What's more horrifying for Mr. Thorn is that once he learns the truth about his child's origin, no one else believes that his choice as a parent (which is killing his son for the good of mankind) is the right thing to do.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

Take a look at Damien's face at the end of the movie and tell me you still think he's adorable.

1. Rosemary's Baby

This movie sums up so many deep-seated fears about pregnancy. Innocent little Rosemary from Omaha has come to NYC with her husband, who sells her to the Devil as a baby incubator. She's drugged, raped by the Devil, and wakes up with bruises and scratches unable to remember any of the encounter. And joy! She's pregnant! But her pregnancy doesn't fill her with the happiness she thought it would. She's in pain, weak, and she doesn't feel the same connection to her fetus that she thought she should. She's chided by her doctor, her husband, her neighbors as being just a silly pregnant woman. You never actually see the baby, but in the end, Rosemary accepts her little hellspawn and goes about feeding it.

The Horrifying Point:

Apart from the fact that Rosemary is drugged, raped, and forced to carry the pregnancy, this movie is about the terror underlying pregnancy and motherhood. Your body morphs and reshapes itself, doing stranger and stranger things, all while you are completely unaware of who the person you are carrying will turn out to be.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

ALL OF IT. But seriously, revisit the drugged up rape scene if you want a good nightmare tonight.

So, fellow child-free friends, this Halloween when you're asked if you can't wait to have your own brood to take trick-or-treating, show them this list and wait for the sound of reproductive systems grinding to a halt.