Book Review of "Women Without Children: The reasons, the rewards, the regrets" by Susan S. Lang

 Book Review of: 
Women Without Children: The reasons, the rewards, the regrets
by Susan S. Lang

This is another book written in the 90's (published in 1991). Like the previous book, I would recommend this book to anyone, parent or not. Also, like the previous book, I had renewed it four times at the library because it's taken me a while to find time to read. 

I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it. The tone was that of a research paper and was very thorough, examining every facet of the situation and all the different ways women find themselves without children. 

I found a lot of interesting historical facts as the author recounted the history of childlessness. One was that post Civil War days, the youngest daughter was usually expected to stay single and care for the aging parents. Another was the fact that during the Great Depression, many couples made sure they didn't have kids, via one method or another because they literally couldn't afford a(nother) child when they couldn't even find food for themselves!

I loved hearing some of the thoughts of women in this book, specifically a spitfire 100 year old woman who maintained that if you are lonely in your old age, it's your own fault! (She was emphasizing the importance of creating the life you want to lead with people you want to spend time with.) 

One of the reasons so many books were written about the childfree choice in the 90's, from what I can tell after having read all these books, is that the baby boom of the 80s and 90s was in full swing. Women were trying to have it all and it was (and is) incredible and impossible. 

The author did a great job with the subject of infertility and highlighting that a person has to mourn before they can accept and either decide to adopt or to remain without children. 

There were LOTS of good quotes in this book. 
- p 140 "She didn't downgrade the importance of motherhood but rather began to upgrade the value of her own life."
- p 153 "It's probably a blessing for the children never born to me that I didn't have them."
- p 171 "It's not that our past rules our present, but rather, that it inhabits our present." (I had first read it as 'inhibit', which I almost like more)
- p 180 "Planned Parenthood has a saying that friends can get you pregnant faster than husbands." (referring to the validation women seek amongst friends for their choices.)

 I really enjoyed this book. I noticed I didn't take as many notes on this book as I had done with the others I've reviewed previously. I don't know if that was because I really wanted to finish this book (it's overdue at the library), I'm kind of burnt out on the childfree literary topic, the tone of the book had less super-important facts, or what it may have been. I will provide two snapshots of quotes on loss that I REALLY like. They were written in terms of infertility, but I find them very applicable to everyday living.  

p 142

 
p 179

So, this book is very much recommendable to others, despite being legal to drink (the book was published in 1991.... it's 2012? Oh forget it.) A lot of the information in here is very interesting. It's very academic in nature, which means it's more unbiased and informative and observant in nature. This and the book before are perfect delegates, diplomats, lessons for anyone on either side of the parent/nonparent discussion. And this may be the last childfree book review for quite a while, unless the library comes pushes out those other requests I have. But I'm most definitely looking forward to filling my brain with new topics! PEACE!

Happy Not-a-Mother's Day!

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Being child free, of course I was not served breakfast in bed, nor did I receive flowers or a card. To many parents this should make me sad, because I am missing out on the gratitude of children I don't have. I'll even forgive people for warping the holiday into a day for doting on Mom, despite it's original purpose as a war protest. As ScribbleScribe and I have discussed, all the teary Hallmark commercials in the world wouldn't change our minds about being CF. But one of the biggest myths that haunts CFers is that being child free means you hate children. There are many child free people who don't like kids. I don't deny that. But just because we don't want to have kids doesn't mean we don't love and care for our own younger relatives. My own aunts provided immense support to my parents bringing up myself and my siblings. Which leads me to ask: why is there not an Aunt's Day? Many CF women proudly carry the title aunt, or auntie in my case, since my "nieces and nephews" are actually my cousins kids. We like being the fun aunts who get the chance to spoil the kids from time to time, take them off of mom's hands and handing them back. But there are aunts who do more than help out by babysitting from time to time. In many cultures around the world, aunts are integral parts of raising children. Often they are the first choice for parents in their wills to care for kids in the event of the parents' demise. Being a CF aunt means you can dedicate more time to helping your nieces and nephews. For that matter it's not just aunts that should get their own day. Godmothers, great-aunts, friends who are almost like aunts- we all have some influence and part to play. Foster mothers as well get ignored on the auspicious holiday, despite the fact that they open their homes and their hearts to the toughest cases, who only stay with them a short time before they bounce back through the system. So for all the CFers who help you with your kids, say a little thank you. (Note: I did send my own mother and grandmother flowers for the holiday. I'm not saying we shouldn't thank the good mothers of the world, and mine is a pretty darn good one.)

Book Review of "Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood" by Leslie Lafayette

Book Review of "Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood" by Leslie Lafayette

This book, although published in 1995, is still full of good information and is actually written in a positive enough tone that one could recommend it to anyone interested in learning about the Childfree (CF... or as we like to call it: IOD) lifestyle. The author is the founder of The Childfree Network (for which I can't actually find a webpage...).

Lafayette pretty much covers everything, including then-relevant-information on how to form and maintain a childfree group, including troubleshooting issues. Finding such an environment in 2012 is considerably easier since one can turn to the internet for nearly everything.

In the interest of NOT putting the author's text online, I won't list out the items on the chapters she creates, but tell you what chapters are (table of contents) and what I thought.

PART ONE: EXPLORING THE ISSUES
Chapter 1: Living Childfree Isn't For Sissies -  The author mentions how people will butt into a person's personal life with questions and assumptions. The author points out that if you are so worried what people think, you probably aren't going to have an easy time being a parent either, because everyone has an opinion about what you do with your kids too.

Chapter 2: Why Do We Have Children? Let's Take a Closer Look - Lafayette lists ten reasons people have children, only ONE of which is the result of careful consideration with a partner (or support system). The list to me seems more or less accurate, but scary too. I would LOVE if more people examined the choice thoroughly to give themselves and their children the best chance at a good life.

Chapter 3: Common Misconceptions and Fears About People Who Don't Have Kids - All of the examples given are pretty standard justifications that fearful parents use to judge others and make themselves feel better. And as someone who is living a fulfilled and happy life, they are pretty insulting but typical.

Chapter 4: Separating the Myths of Parenthood From the Realities - The author insists we must be realistic and stop glorifying parenthood, even if it deters some people from becoming parents... because some parents DO regret having children. More knowledge the better, and I totally agree. She references an Ann Landers poll of 10,000 readers in which 70% of responders said that if they had known then what they know now, they would NOT have had kids again! This isn't to say these people didn't love their children, but just that they admit they weren't knowledgeable enough when the time came. The author lists some 'Positive Parenthood Propaganda' that we all hear time and again when people try to convince others to have kids. The author also lists other things a person can do instead of having kids.

Chapter 5: Menopausal Madness and the Infertility Treadmill - The author says that 30% of the members of The Childfree Network had dealt with infertility. She says that it's shameful that more doctors don't encourage infertile couples to consider a childfree lifestyle instead of spending thousands of dollars on physically and emotionally damaging treatments that only have a 50% success rate. To me, I'd love to see adoption encouraged, but I know that a lot of people build up the idea of a biological baby in their mind til it seems to separate from the reality of having a child. The author talked about how infertile couples need to be able to make a transition and own their infertility and not let it overtake their lives. She also talks about some polled older women and how they create regrets in their older years as a result of cultural pressure. She calls it revisionist history.

Chapter 6: Papa's Got a Brand New Bag: The Male Perspective - This chapter is geared towards men as they face the choice and the cultural pressure to 'be a man' by having kids. She gives a list of what men fear about Children. I really like one man quoted saying that a child should be number one, but he is mature enough to realize he can't or won't put a child in that spot above all else. <--- I think this is completely deserving of respect, and I wish more pressuring parents would realize that! I LOVE when I run into people who don't bother me about it and don't try to convince me that their lifestyle will work for me. I LOVE it. I'll have to write an entry about that!

Chapter 7: That Old Pronatalism Has Me In Its Spell - The author says everyone has the pressure in our culture: If you're single, you need to get married. If you're married, you need to have a child. If you're remarried, you need to have a child together. It's true and really quite dizzying. She then details how this pressure plays out with religion, advertising, government, workplace discrimination and political correctness. She then lists suggestions for removal of pronatalist legislation, workplace benefits to be more general, advertisements to stop showing unrealistic versions of families and babies and for churches to stop pushing procreation.

Chapter 8: The Parenthood Test -  The author provides a very thorough and helpful examination that EVERYONE should be encouraged to take. It's wonderful to really consider these things when it's the BIGGEST decision a person will ever make in their lifetime! The author stressed that even though you may take this test and realize, you could be a good parent, you're not obligated to do it.

Part Two: Living Fully
Chapter 9: The Childfree Choice - The author gives a list of positive and negatives one may encounter when choosing a childfree life. She also draws a line between childless and childfree. The author is someone who battled infertility and was childless until she allowed herself to accept and embrace her life and become childfree.

Chapter 10: Making the Most of Living Childfree - The author lists ten great things you can do when you're Childfree. One of which is actually including kids in your life. She points out that many childfree people can be mentors and support systems for other kids and I love that. That's my aim as an aunt and a volunteer. I realize my talents are best utilized in segments with time restraints! I'm not high energy and know I'm better off in my life as an aunt/volunteer.

Chapter 11: Making New Friends and Keeping the Old Ones - This chapter actually made me feel really hopeful and happy, giving me great ideas on how to keep my parent friends in my life. The author recognized that some friendships won't last, but when both parties make an effort, it leads to great things. The author gave a list of things to do when your friends become parents in order to maintain a great relationship AND encouraged the Childfree to nurture their own relationships with other childfree people, as parents do with other parents. I know it's very hard to get together with my friends who are parents because we are BOTH so very busy with our lives, but since they support me and my lifestyle choice, I definitely want to be there for them too and have to try to get in touch as often as I can. I'll admit, it's a bit strange at times, since I don't find myself to be naturally drawn to babies or children. The baby age is the age that makes me know quite certainly that I never want to give birth. I like kids that have been potty trained a few years and can be on their own a bit. But spending time with my friends and their very young children is great because it is a reminder of the reality of just how much work they are putting into their life and their child. A person has to REALLY want that! And my friends will admit how much work it is. But anyway, back to the book review...

Chapter 12: No Regrets - The author encouraged those who choose Childfree to remember the difference between ideals and reality. She also pointed out that a person is only as happy as they choose to be, so you need to really own your life, no matter whether you choose kids or not! And she warned that regret may pop up later, but you need to be prepared. She also mentioned a quote about how much better it is to be OUTSIDE of the stock market and wishing to be IN, than to be IN the stock market, wishing to be OUT!

The author then gave an epilogue about how to form a ChildFree Chapter. The info is slightly outdated but interesting if and when creating a group.
--------
So my thoughts on the book. It's a great resource for people considering whether or not to have kids. It's also nice for parents who may want to understand the perspective of their childfree friends. It would be great for those dealing with infertility as well. This book is positive enough to hand to anyone! ;)P

The Cost of a Child

One of the many reasons Childfree or Independent of Dependent (IOD) people choose not to have children is the staggering amount of money it takes to raise a child. I used this website to get a general idea of the cost of a child. It took into account my partner status, my income and my geographical location (midwest U.S.). This is what I got.

Let's face it, kids are not a good investment! For the amount of time and money you put into birthing, clothing, educating, feeding and caring for a child, you only get an emotional return and sometimes it's a negative return.

There are many people who find themselves financially strapped because of children and unable to provide for them, and yes, there are those who wish they would NOT have had children, had they known the expenses, be they financial, mental, physical or emotional.

For many people, the financial aspect is not fully explored when children come into the picture. Considering 50% of pregnancies are unplanned, that means 50% of parents have not fully considered the costs it will take to raise their child. And this affect not only the children, but the community at large. The more children that can't be properly raised, the more it affects the government, at both local and federal levels. Every child should have a happy, safe and healthy upbringing, so it's important that our schools TEACH the future adults about the true costs of becoming a parent. Ignorance is not always bliss.

We live in a society that glorifies pregnancy with nude pregnant celebrities on magazine covers but celebrities don't lack the funds to raise their children. There are television shows called "16 & Pregnant", "19 & Counting" "Kate Plus Eight", and all the gazillion baby shows on Lifetime and TLC and whatever other station you can find, but these people also get compensated for their fifteen minutes of fame.

When 75%-80% of women become mothers, we need to make sure they are properly aware of all of the costs they will incur. Most women will forge ahead if they truly want to be mothers, but it may be eye-opening and helpful for both future-mothers and those who forgo.


I, for one, know I will not be spending $250K on raising children and I'm thrilled! Remember, research your investments and follow your heart! ;) On a related note: my renewed passport should be returning in a couple weeks! Woo!

Book Review: "The Baby Boon: How Family-Friendly America Cheats the Childless"

The Baby Boon: How Family-Friendly America Cheats the Childless by Elinor Burkett

I was extremely frustrated with this book before I even got to page 8, not because of the style of the book, but because of the content, and not to the fault of the author.

This book was published in 2000 and documents the number of tax benefits that parents receive at the expense of taxpayers that do not have children. When the government allows tax breaks to one group of people, another group of people has to make up that amount with their taxes. We're talking BILLIONS of dollars to provide parents with money that is supposed to be used for their children. (13 million childless people will pay $100 BILLION over a period of 5 years to parents... p 72) But we are also talking about supporting parents of middle-class or higher. The author proposes that the income cut-off be much lower so that the money actually goes to those who make less than $25,000 a year. As it sits, parents that make up to $60,000 still receive the tax deductions, although it's hard to justify.

Many of the workplace benefits, Burkett contends, were set in place because of a small group of lobbyists that wanted child care subsidized and thought that it would retain employees. But as it turns out, most employees do not use child care programs in their workplace.

The benefits are also not 'equal pay for equal work' because they make special allowances to parents, and specifically mothers. A man is never going to need a space to pump breastmilk at work. A childless person will never be able to take disability for three months and receive 60% of their pay as mothers are allowed to do. The workers in the office have to make up for the worker on maternity leave yet she is still paid. Childless workers are expected to take on undesirable shifts so parents can spend time with their families. Childless people have lives and families that aren't any less important than parents with children.

I can't even begin to elaborate on how frustrating the FACTS in this book are. Many of the proposed laws and benefits that the government mandated are a result of lobbyists and magazine articles that got parents worked up. And what person would deny more money? Of course the parents would not say "Oh, well I don't actually need that extra money because my neighbors with no kids are actually the ones paying extra taxes and that's not fair since WE chose to have the kids."

The book also highlights the panic that overtook the nation's parents and how the panic was induced by a report here or there, and the statistics belie the need for action to the levels of paranoia it evoked.

Many parents will become indignant when told that it's unfair they get so many benefits. "Oh, but having kids is expensive!"  Yes, but you chose it and suddenly, it's become MY problem because I am taxed more. AND because I don't get to leave work for months at a time to pursue an interest, still receive pay AND have a job guaranteed when I come back.

I highly recommend this book for parents and non-parents alike. Parents should know just how privileged they are in this society and think about how it affects others when it comes to the workplace and taxes. What is appropriate and what is unfair to your childless friends and family members? Why isn't there a cut-off for deductions so more low-income people can get back on their feet? And for the non-parents, this book is important so you fully understand how much of a second-class citizen or an afterthought you really are to your community and your government. I know this sounds harsh, but it is the reality. The book is able to provide more facts and a better thought process than I. I took 7 pages of notes, each page with 2 columns. I can't even begin to cover all the astounding information. It took me a long time to get through this book, not because I didn't like it, but because I didn't like the truth of the book itself.

Banned Doonesbury Cartoons

I found out recently that there was a set of banned Doonesbury comics that deal with the transvaginal sonogram that women seeking abortions are forced to undergo. I obtained the strips from this link.

Here are the cartoon strips.
(optional viewing: right click image and click 'Open Link in New Tab/Window' for zoom ability. Original image available here.)

The War on Women: My Letters to my Leaders

I know it is incredibly important to speak up about the issues on which our leaders are voting. That is why I'm encouraging everyone to contact their government officials and speak up! Below is my letter that I just sent to my Representative and Senators. Please visit the government pages and contact yours. If we don't speak up, we can't complain later.

http://www.house.gov/
http://www.senate.gov/


Greetings,

I find it important to speak up in light of several bills and laws being proposed by conservative religious lawmakers that severely hamper and undermine my religious freedoms and reproductive rights and those of all women. As my elected government official, I hope you will take interest in my thoughts as it is your duty to fully understand how these laws will play out in reality and how they truly affect the citizens for whom you are supposed to work.

I do NOT support “personhood” laws that declare that life begins at conception. This law is unnecessary and potentially harmful to many women. The intent of this law seems to be to outlaw contraception and abortion, but it is possible to interpret this law in a way that holds women of miscarriage responsible for involuntary manslaughter. These “personhood” laws are of no assistance to our society.

Likewise, I do NOT support banning contraception. There are many women who use these medicines for more than reasons than prevention of pregnancy. Some of these medicines prevent several types of cancer, regulate hormones before attempting pregnancy and assist those afflicted with severe cramping. It negatively affects women to put an outlaw on such medicines that are tools that assist with the health and well-being of women’s daily lives. Of course, these medicines are also used to plan responsibly the birth of children so that women can wait until they create financially solid situations before bringing children into this world.

I do NOT support any ban on sterilization. This may be covered under contraception, but I wanted to shed a special light on it. As a woman who intends to remain without children for my lifetime, I will be turning to sterilization and am so thrilled that the cost will be fully covered under the Affordable Care Act. Sterilization is used by women (and men) who already have children and know their limits well enough to know they are not interested in having any more children because of financial or other reasons. Sterilization is also used by those like myself who are not interested in a parenting role, but would like to continue to support children in capacities such as aunts and uncles and employees or volunteers to children’s organizations. Knowing the limits of one’s life is an important step in being a responsible person. Each person has to have the option to fulfill that for herself or himself.

I do NOT support making abortions illegal and incarcerating doctors who perform them. Although I understand that fetus’ do become humans after completing the gestation period, I do believe that it is up to the individual to choose whether to continue the pregnancy or abort. I believe that there are many misconceptions about abortion and the more people understand it, the better we can do to make sure women do not find themselves in that situation. But outlawing abortions does not stop them from happening; outlawing abortions endangers women who then seek out abortions in unsafe medical conditions. Women need to have options such as abortion and it is up to the individual to use this option or not.

I do NOT support forcing those women who seek to have abortions undergo a transvaginal ultrasound. This is unnecessary, degrading and violates a woman’s ability to choose without harassment. These mandates degrade women who have already thought long and hard about their options. They understand full well what a pregnancy entails and being forced to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound will not change their mind, nor make the choice any easier. It only adds another medical bill to a woman who has made up her mind and it insults her ability to make a decision.

I do NOT support changes being made to sexual education classes such as we have recently seen in Utah. In order to make sure that future generations have information about sexual health, we need to make sure they have ALL the information, including information about contraception. My belief is that ‘abstinence only’ teachings are ineffective and dangerous. Everyone knows that telling a youth not to do something does not ensure they will not do it, but often times can seem like one more rule against which to rebel. Our youth need to grow up with solid facts so they can make solid decisions. After all, half of all pregnancies are unplanned. We fail our children if we don’t give them all the information and let them be prepared for whatever they choose. It is up to parents to ensure that after learning all the facts that the children know what the families want them to practice.

I do hope I’ve covered all my bases. I do NOT support anything that hampers the reproductive rights, freedoms and choices for anyone. It is important that the Federal Government maintain the separation of Church and State. Laws such as those mentioned above undermine that understanding because they are moral teachings of religious groups that are being forced upon millions of people of varying religious, personal beliefs. The individuals that are against contraception, sterilization, abortions and any such things have every right to hold those beliefs and live them out in their own lives, but they have NO right to enforce their beliefs on a nation comprised of individuals from every walk of life. I refuse to stand by and let religious groups overstep their bounds and try to write their beliefs into law. This nation was built upon religious freedom and I refuse to be denied my rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in the ways that I see fit. I refuse to be ashamed of my belief that women need access to options to create better lives for themselves and for future generations. I refuse to stand by during this war on women and watch women’s rights be denied and to regress on so much work that has been hard-fought and earned by my predecessors.

While I’ve hopefully still got your attention, I want to assure you that I DO support the rights of non-heterosexual couples that wish to marry. This is very much a civil rights issue. We are talking about the basic rights of millions of people. To me, it matters not that a homosexual couple cannot physically procreate on their own. There was a time when sterile heterosexual couples were frowned upon within religious communities because of their inability to procreate. Those who oppose the right of LGBT persons to commit to each other are looking at it from the stance of religion. LGBT people are not asking to be married in the churches, but to be recognized as human beings by their own government. LGBT couples often times are better parents because they have actively chosen to become parents rather than many heterosexuals who just got pregnant. These LGBT couples need to have the same rights to care for their partners and families as do those who are in heterosexual relationships. If not, their basic rights as human beings and as citizens are being denied.

I do not feel comfortable knowing that there are people from the religious groups that are working so hard to deny the rights of millions of people in this nation. I see those actions as negative, hateful and un-American. This is why I am speaking up and hoping that my voice is being heard. As a nation, we need to ensure that our citizens are being protected, that their rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are being protected and promoted.

I sincerely hope that you will keep all of this information in the forefront of your mind as you are asked to weigh in on these issues. As a member of your jurisdiction, I have spoken my thoughts and my beliefs. As my elected official, I hope that you will take this to heart and understand that much is at stake. I entrust you with my wishes, hoping that my government officials will not let down all the women, men and children, gay, straight, transgender, religious, non-religious, human people of this powerful nation.

Sincerely,

D. Smith
Omaha, Nebraska