My last post was intellectual for the fact that I reviewed different mediums in relation to being childfree/IOD (Independent of Dependents). This post will be a little more free-flow thought and was written over a period of two days... hence the length ;)
Rant #1: Some parents have nothing else on their mind but their children and this is NOT an interesting topic most of the time. Case in point: I recently was witness to two mothers beaming to each other about their children. One dominated the conversation with stories about her children, while one of them tugged on her arm, begging to go home. So the mother ignored the kid's needs (wants) because she was too busy talking about the kid. HA! Now, the other mother was very happy to bond over mom stuff and how precious the kids are. I'm glad that they were both into the conversation, but the mother with kids never stopped talking about her kids in the several days I was around her. I know that parents are capable of talking about other things besides their kids.... right? Sometimes it doesn't seem like it. I mean the lady was nice and her kids were well behaved and sure, we ALL have dominated a conversation with something that the listener doesn't care to hear. (Half the time because they are too busy thinking about what they want to say.) But with many parents, they only converse about their kids. And it's pretty boring for the rest of us. If you aren't a close personal friend of mine, I probably don't care about your kids. Especially if you're a coworker who ONLY ever talks to me about your offspring. I have three nephews, and I will often talk about them to relate to people who can't seem to find any other topics. Honestly, I'd almost rather make idle chat about the weather, because once the convo is done, it's done. You're not going to talk about different weather patterns of the past 13 years, but you might talk about many stories involving your 13 year old child. Can almost guarantee I'll want to run away screaming before you get to the second mini-story. If you don't want to hear about my multiple vacations, don't tell me about your kids. You have your interests, I have mine. Let's meet in the middleground. "Sure is hot today!" "Yup, it sure is."
Rant #2: When I posted about this blog on my facebook page, an individual who has an inflated esteem of his knowledge felt inclined to post something along these lines: 'I don't have any moral stance on having kids or not, but people who don't have kids shouldn't get as many Social Security and Medicare benefits because they didn't have kids to replace them to pay into the system'. Le sigh. This individual is a political blogger and this is the best he can do?! I have had several frustrating situations where this chap feels the need to show off but is tactless and egotistical. So I have to control myself to pretend he didn't write anything, knowing that he won't stop trying to make others look bad.
Recently, I brought this chap's comment up to a coworker who was a poly sci major and he pointed out a flaw I didn't even think of: It's irrelevant if a person had kids; if they still worked and paid into the SS and Medicare systems, they are entitled to the benefits.
My thoughts on the chap's ill-informed comment were as such: (1) Governments should neither punish nor reward procreation. (2) If the government is so worried about allocation of funds for SS and Medicare, maybe they should stop giving tax breaks to people for having kids and use THAT money for the retirment programs. (3) Why can't I get a tax break for not causing the government systems as much strain as it takes to raise children?
Obviously, the role of procreation in politics is a very large topic with which I don't have much experience. I'm not going in depth on the issue, but to say that there is a very large bias in politics and communities towards children-based families.
Rave #1: While trying to search for books in my local library's catalogs, I found that the keyword 'childfree' produced no results. So for half a moment, I thought that the library didn't have any books on the topic, until I discovered the keyword on file was 'childless'. I found a few books that I wanted to check out and also made several requests for future library purchases to enhance the selection. A library employee got back to me and told me what books to expect. I hinted to her at the possibility of adding 'childfree' to the keyword batch since it is more accepted. AND.... She did! She wrote back and thanked me for the idea and said 'childfree' was a keyword now, alongside the Library of Congress' suggested 'childless'. So, hooray for the people at the library!
Rave #2: I've been under the impression for the 8 years that I've know I don't want kids that health care providers will not take seriously people of my age who would like anti-procreation procedures (i.e. vasectomies and tubal ligations). But after reading the book I review below and reading an essay of one male of a young age who got a vasectomy, and talking with a friend who told me doctors WILL consider it, I decided to ask my 'lady-parts' doctor. She was way more open than I expected and suggested looking into IUD's instead as insurance would probably cover it and cost less than a tubal. She also thought it was hilarious that I have a blog called IOD ;) It must be fate! I figure, why should I live in fear of pregnancy when it's my body? So I will be reading up on the options for sure. :) What I'm raving about: finding a doctor who doesn't think I'm crazy. She said for the longest time she and her husband didn't have kids, till one drunken night. ;0) She said she knows she would have had a fulfilled lifestyle without kids as well. So I'm glad that there are health care providers out there who don't need me to lay out a dissertation on my reasoning. (Side bar: I would love if more people just accepted that my choice is MY choice and don't try to convince me to think like them. Do you ever wonder if people try to talk you into kids as a means of justifying their kids to themselves?) But thank the stars for a person who doesn't think I'm crazy. Sure, they get money from either option I choose, but I could tell she was a good person trying to help. And I'm glad for that!
Review:
"Nobody's Father" was a great read for me as it was the story at the other end of the table. It was great to read about the variety of men and how they came to be childfree, or as in one man's case, 'childless' to the very core. There were stories of straight, gay, transgendered men; some never tried to have children, some had near misses, and the second to last entry is a man who lost his 16 year old son to cancer and then became 'Nobody's Father'. I was reading that essay (and the others) on a plane and was not very successful in holding back tears. Some of the stories made me laugh, most made me think and all made me understand.
Some of my favorite excerpts:
"Although I was driven to create, I never considered that the act of creating a new human life would meet my needs. I knew good parenting demands a time commitment. You have to accept the possibility of sacrificing your own dreams to prepare the next generation for their dreams. I pictured a never-ending circle where unfulfilled dreams are passed on to the next generation for them to achieve." Gord More writes in "The Creative Road":p 52
The above quote speaks to me as a creative person... I know I have so much to do in my life, and I'm not willing to put it aside. I want to create and travel probably as deep as some women want to be mothers. We both have the right to do this. I really liked how Gord More described the fun creative projects he and his wife would do with kids. You don't have to be a parent to make a difference in the life of a child!
"To say, I'm never having children"is one of those audacious, understandably rash statements people expect you to make when you're young, but never take seriously. I don't say those words too often, because they inevitably lead to being confronted with the reductive "Why?" Like all things that have become a part of who you are, your reasoning can be difficult to isolate and examine, let alone explain with any clarity." Aaron Shepard writes in "At the Edge of the Herd" page 128
The above quote is my greatest frustration. No one ever questions someone on why they want to have kids, but if you speak the opposite, it's nearly treason. And the person who questions you doesn't actually want to understand, a good portion of the time. For those that do, well, this doesn't apply. There are some people who ask who do have a genuine interest, but the others are only interested in themselves and don't try to fathom others.
"At worse, all I've accomplished by remaining childless is avoiding those great unknowns within the self, things you can only learn by raising children." Aaron Shepard writes in "At the Edge of the Herd" p 132.
Of course there are things I won't experience by not being a parent, but there are things that parents don't experience b/c they have children. That's just the world we live in. Every choice takes you somewhere new and you may not always go back.
"Never mind tallying up the gains and losses: I don't feel compelled to be a parent. It's neither my loss nor my gain. It's my identity." Aaron Shepard writes in "At the Edge of the Herd" p 134.
One, I love that his last name ties in with the title of his essay and Two, I love the simplicity of the statement. It's one of those, 'I know both sides of the issue and it's my choice' type things.
"Not placing another life on the planet should be seen as a virtue equal to the urge to perpetuate the species." John Barton writes in "Adding Nothing to the Flow: Greening the Pregnant Man" p. 145
Obviously we childfree/IOD aren't looking for a pat on the back or a party, but really we should get one! You have baby showers and get gifts. I want presents and recognition too! In fact I can almost guarantee that I will have to arrange a "no-baby" shower for myself sometime in the future, where I will get baby bottles of booze and money for traveling and other some such things. That will be fun to plan AND to attend!
John Lent writes in "Navigating the River of No Return" about how it wasn't safe for his wife to have children so they were without children. A situation in which someone he admired said:
"'You know John, ... I have come to know for a fact that you are never completely human if you do not have children.' ... At the time, I remember simply taking in his comment quietly, but over the years, especially when things got tough for Jude and me, I would get angry remembering this exchange, and I would imagine, pointlessly, telling my friend that he was full of shit: that you couldn't make such a ridiculous statement, that it was groundless and, in some ways, idiotic as well as self-serving. But there you go. My silence was part of what always happened back then, and still does in many ways when the matter of children comes up. No matter what patronizing lip service is paid to the other camp now, yu're still in the minorty when you either don't have children or decide not to have them, and you'd be crossing a sacrosanct line if you tried to break out of it. You'd be attacking the one thing that can't be attacked in this culture: creating the conventional bloodline family. Not only that, you are also an incomplete human being to boot." John Lent in "Navigating the River of No Return" pp 150-151.
A-freaking-men. Honestly, many times I am sick of having to preface my lifestyle/decision by "I like kids" so that people won't think I'm a monster. And I don't like having to pretend to like other people's kids. And I don't like having to basically worship other people and commend them for the 'sacrifices' they've made. Why do I have to make so many allowances towards families when no one makes allowances for the childfree? I'm never going to get maternity leave or any other benefits that families can get.
Most people in most cultures just
assume that everyone is supposed to have kids and think there must be something wrong with the people who don't. I have to bend over backwards in many conversations to put parents at ease so they don't think of me as a heartless freak. I shouldn't care what they think of me, but since there are fewer IOD/childfree people, I'm an unofficial ambassador. I have to put parents at ease for the sake of childfree members of humanity. Look at me and the sacrifices I'm making! haha Just playing. But really, people assume things that makes them look stupid. This past week, I was standing next to a 36 year old woman and someone asked if she was my mother. (I'm 26, but look 12). And likewise the 36 year old woman was standing next to a 50 something woman and someone asked if SHE was HER mother. And how many times my nephews have been assumed to be my sons? For Chripe's sake people! Stop assuming that there must be a child/parent relationship with everyone you see!!! (Also annoying is when siblings get mistaken for partners. Ew. Just ew.) When you ASSUME... you make an ass out of u and me... but just mostly of yourself ;)
So basically what that excerpt exemplifies is that childfree people are usually looked down upon or pitied. But really the childfree pity (and get annoyed by) those ignorant fools who can't fathom that happiness can exist outside of a procreative life. Odd realization.... childfree people are usually tagged as SELFISH for wanting to control their time and money, but I usually find parents think the world revolves around them and their children. I could go on and on about the allowances that people expect for them and their kids, but that makes me seem bitter. Even if I am.... I have more excerpts! Onward!
John Lent also writes of a funny moment in which he took a couple of pictures of his wife toweling off their dog. In the first picture, it looked like a beaming mother with a babe in swaddling clothes. In the second picture, the reveal of the dog. Lent writes:
"And I thought, great, let's send these out [for Christmas cards] with caption: mother and chlid both well, considering. At least we got a laugh out of it. But, no, we never sent it. We never sent it because we would be reminding the people close to us that we sometimes felt their awkwardness about our childlessness rather ridiculous, even patronizing. We wanted them to understand our lives the way we understood them. but you can't have everything; you can't change everything." John Lent in "Navigating the River of No Return" p. 154.
Sometimes people just don't get it. My aunt, into her 40s, was talking to someone who was befuddled by the fact that she and her husband don't have kids. Here's a mock-up of the convo: 'Oh, don't worry, you'll have kids someday.' 'Uh, no we won't.' Then the question, 'What do you even do with your time if you don't have kids?' 'Lets see, I work, travel, exercise, live an awesome life. Oh and I can afford to buy a BMW'. Why is it so impossible for people to fathom an alternative to their life??! Half the time, I think people have kids, not only because it's been drilled into them, but for the fear of 'what do you do with the 60 years of life after age 20?' They need a way to pass time, and kids are definitely a way to do that. Just watch the years fly by! From diapers to diplomas in no time! Thanks, but no thanks. I have a few ideas of how to spend the years after 20 and beyond...and they involve a passport, a camera, and not a small amount of rum ;)
"I have a strong suspicion , however, that whatever primal instincts each of us has to nurture, protect and love surface naturally in our lives, with or without children, so that the emptiness referred to above is filled in natural ways that are not substitutions, but simply the body fulfilling itself... Childlessness does not contain a condition of unfulfilled love, or loneliness, or emptiness internally, but these effects can be manufactured externally by the influences around us, people and culture, and, as a result, childless people have to be very wise. They are at risk if they do not mull these things over and see past them." John Lent writes in "Navigating the River of No Return" p. 155
In life, people try to break others down to build themselves up, whether knowlingly or unknowingly. You have to be strong and know who you are and what you want and not be swayed by others. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who didn't choose to be parents, but drifted into it. All fathers, for instance. JUST KIDDING! But living in the idea that having kids will somehow fulfill you as a person is false, just as is false the idea that you will be happy after you find 'the right person'. You have to be happy with yourself, by yourself, to know your strengths and shortcomings because life isn't a fairy tale, but it can get close sometimes if you have a healthy hold on reality. Don't let anyone force you into thinking, feeling or doing something that doesn't vibe with who you are. But first, take the time to know yourself. Then you can be at peace with whatever comes your way.
Jack Hughes writes in "Unexamined" of seeing the film 'Joshua' in which parents of a 10 year old become the parents of a monster when their kid rebels against them having a new baby. Hughes says it's not a horror flick, but the reality of it scary:
"Everyone knows you can't control your kids, and I wouldn't want to, but I can't imagine ceding so much dominion over myself. I don't want to have to worry about being hated or ignored or squeezed for money or to suffer whatever other child-generated squalls might blow across my future. I suppose there'd be offets, that depsite it all, I'd love them, but I don't feel deprived of love now." Jack Hughes writes in 'Unexamined' p 159-160.
I feel that many people gloss over the bad parts of raising children. I know many people who say they want kids might carry a very romanticized idea of children with them. I'm no fool. I've had nephews since before I started high school. In fact, it'll be 12 years now at the end of the month, when my oldest nephew turns 12!! I've mentioned before that I love being 'the fun aunt', but I've even had to break that self-designated role and yell like a parent to get their attention one day when they were far out of control. I could tell the oldest recognized and he immediately changed his behavior for the better. I think it scared him to see that side of me, but such is life. Children are NOT stress-free. They will test you beyond your limits. Likewise, that same older nephew saw me taking care of his little brother when he had a bad reaction to food while with me for an overnight. Observing my caretaking and coddling, my oldest nephew said, with a funny look on his face, "It's weird. You're acting like a mom." HA! I've always known that I would make a good mom, but the thing is, I can be a better aunt. I'm not a fool. I know that children are a commitment that I don't have to make. I don't have to buy a house either. I don't have to do many things that other people expect me to do. I just need to be in touch enough with reality and what works for me.
In "Everyone's Uncle", Don W. Maybin, a gay man in his 50's, writes:
"In recent years, the gay community has been demanding the right to adopt. I support this demand totally. There are so many unfortunate children who need a caring home, a chance for a better life. Heterosexual fundamentalists of any stripe do not have a monopoly on love, and I believe adoption by gay couples is a wonderful thing." p 226
"I know I could do a better job than those of my acquaintances who live vicariously through their children, loading beliefs, desired abilities and lifelong ambitions onto the back of a stressed-out son or daughter....Sometimes I watch as a spoiled brat screams in front of a toy counter or vending machine, demanding whatever is on display, while a frazzled parent pleads with the child to behave, secretly wanting to spank the miniature monster but knowing the world is watching. And I think, "Thank God I never had one of those!" But then something from a deeper place wants to grab the tyrannical tot, hug him or her close and say, "Who needs that silly stuff? I love you, and I will give you the best thing in the world, my heart with millions of ribbons attached." And I would. I have tied emotional strings around many loved ones, but there are still plenty left, enough to weave a rope around a child's heart and my own" Don W. Maybin, "Everyone's Uncle" p 230.
How absolutely beautiful, Don's sentiment. Being 'Everyone's Uncle' is just as important a role as being 'someone's parent'. There exists the capability to love within every person. I'm obviously biased towards justice and equality, but I can't read that and say that non-hetero couples don't deserve the right to nurture children. The government doesn't say that gay people with children from hetero relationships can't raise their own children, so why can't they raise other people's children? Adoption is a loving option and I would love to hear that the government would allow for those with an open home and an open heart could bring children into it, without stipulation that the potential parent fit the hetero mold.
Love is love is love is love. And it needs to be shared, so it can bloom for all.
I'll close my very very very long blog entry with something that touched me. This weekend, I was witness to a beautiful wedding in New Mexico between two beautiful people. The groom was 38 and his special guest to the wedding was an 89 year old man who had become his Big Brother, through the program of that name, when the groom was 12. That means Big Brother was in his 60s when he befriended the young boy through the program after his own kids were grown up. You could tell that Big Bro had a substantial part in Little Bro's development as a person. Big Bro took Little Bro fishing and hunting and what have you. And Little Bro wanted Big Bro at his wedding 20 some years later. The day after the wedding, Little Bro took Big Bro for a drive in New Mexico so they could look for wildlife as they used to do in younger days. It really touches me to have witnessed this relationship. It speaks to the core of our nature as humans, that we all just really need love and we don't need to be related to share something special with another person. So let us be the forever aunts and uncles that can still live the lives of our choosing and share our abundant love. There is more than one way to care for a person and I'm glad to prove it! ;)
Peace Peace Peace and Love Love Love to You and Your Loved Ones! :)
-D
