"Never Say Never"

Recently, via social media, I asked a drag queen (one of my favorite entertainers) if he thought he would ever have kids and he said "probably not but you can never say never". Maybe he meant he couldn't say 'never' and that is his right. Some people may not see children as a part of their lives but could be open to it 'should the stars align'. More power to 'em on their life adventures! (And may they be prepared!)

But for those of us who have thought long and hard about the decision to procreate/raise children, we can say 'never'.  For me:
I will never be President of the USA.
I will never be a marine biologist.
I will never be a doctor.
I will never climb Mount Everest in the buff.
I will never procreate/have children.

Of course, there is ALWAYS the possibility that I may be put in a mother role, due to unforeseen circumstances that I don't want to imagine. (For me, this does not include dating a man with kids, b/c I feel so strongly about it, that if a man has kids, the dating will not even commence. We all have our standards and if you wouldn't bend your 'no drugs' rule for a drug addict that could be 'the one'.... then don't be surprised if I stick with my guns on the child thing.)

As a female at age 26 (some would say: too young to decide to be CF but not too young to be a mother?!?!), with my experiences of being a child, being a babysitter, being a camp counselor and being an aunt for the past 12 years, I think I have the right to say the word 'never' when it comes to the child decision. 

Yet there is a stigma that follows this declaration. There is something about humans that when they hear the word 'never' they want to point out to that 'it's possible!!!' Sure, many things are possible. Notice that I didn't say "I will never kill another human being"? Because, technically, it is possible. Of course, I do my best to avoid it but a situation calling for the death of another person could arise, i.e. self-defense. Or someone just really pissing me off. JUST KIDDING!

But humans just want to be right and sometimes that means saying: "You never know".

1) There is no benefit to the person saying this except supposed 'bragging rights' were I to 'change my mind.' Therefore this statement is self-serving and egotistical. It will NOT make me change my mind as it is NOT persuasive and has no bearing on the reality of birthing and raising children.
2) With the amount of technology and knowledge we have, it is very possible to avoid pregnancy altogether, so I'm quite sure I 'know' I won't be having children.
3) Whatever possibilities that may occur in life, it will never change the amount of responsibility that children bring.

This last one is very important. Saying "I'm not having children" is not the same as saying "I'll never move to Texas". Someday, I may move to Texas but it is not an occurrence that comes with a lifetime of responsibility or change.

Sometimes, I think 'I could possibly be persuaded to adopt years into the future' but then I remember... in most cases, where the kids come from doesn't affect the amount of work that children bring. Adoption, though less physically demanding than birthing and diapering, (I don't like the baby years) does not prevent me from having to deal with all of the other things that I am trying to avoid by not having children in the first place. In this case, adopting would actually be selfish of me because I would be doing it to feel better about myself, to feel as if I'm helping children out. But I'm not helping them out if I don't actually want to have kids around me 24/7 for the next couple decades.

I counteract this 'impulse' to help other people by volunteering with special needs kids. It leaves me both exhausted (after 3 hours) yet very fulfilled. I can then tackle all of the other life goals I have for myself that factor into my decision to remain Independent of Dependents.

It's similar to a situation I faced recently at work. I could stay at my regular job that had all the perks I enjoyed or I could apply for a job that doubled my pay but would stress me out with quadruple the work-load and many job elements that I am happy to not currently have. I had to fight the impulse of 'but I feel like I should' to really identify what is best for me. And I really am all the happier for it, despite not having the extra money that I wasn't missing anyway.

So, while saying "I never want kids" sounds flippant and therefore deserving of a flippant "Never say never" response, saying 'never' is not flippant when it is actually the end result of a well-thought out decision.

And it is a very important decision that should be respected whether a person chooses something you would or not. I choose to remain Childfree/Independent of Dependents/The Fun Aunt because it is what I truly desire and I know that will give me the space/time/energy to be happy/free/me. But I also need to respect those who have chosen the Children Choice. If I'm not supposed to ask 'Are you sure?' to a woman who says she wants children, I deserve the same respect when stating my desires for my future.

So, if you could 'never' imagine your life without your children, know that I feel just as strongly about 'never' having children. Yeah? So if I say 'never', you better believe it! ;)

Peace.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that employing the concept of 'never' can have a negative connotation, implying that a person isn't open to the marvelous possibilities of life. But the list of things I'll never do are realities I'm okay with and would rather not do anyway. It's possible to employ the concept of 'never' and keep a positive and realistic view on life and what an individual desires in his or her own unique life. Capiche?

10 Movies That Will Scare Your Uterus Shut

When people ask me why I don't want children I have a long list of reasons I've remained IOD: no interest in motherhood, want more of my own free time, etc. It's a very long list. I believe I am currently at over 50 reasons I am IOD. But at the top of my list is the idea of having children scares me. I'm talking nightmare-inducing, wake-up-in-a-pool-of-sweat, screaming- for-God-and-mother terrified.

And Hollywood has done its best to pick up on this fear and crank it up to 11 with a litany of movies featuring creepy and demonic children that will make you pray for sterility.

10. Children of the Corn

The children of Gatlin, Nebraska are creepy little mini-humans who prove that a loving close-knit community is no match for kids with corn knives. The kids follow the mysterious "He Who Walks Behind the Rows," a disembodied being who burrows through the fields like an invisible Bugs Bunny. HWWBTR tells their leader, a boy named Isaac with a freakishly high voice and creeptastic face, to kill all the grownups in town. Yeah, the children pick up corn knives, axes, and restaurant cutlery and begin to brutally murder every adult in the county. Having rid themselves of bedtimes, chores, and all other parental punishments, they trash the town with corn cobs and murder two stranded motorists and any child who dares play with a board game. Also, ritualistic suicide upon their 19th birthdays is now tradition.

The Horrifying Point:

Kids are as susceptible to crazy religious dogma as adults, and just because you're bigger than them doesn't mean they can't make your fingers come flying off with a ham slicer.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

The children slaughter every adult inside a cafe on cue.

9. The Good Son

Aw, look, it's Macauley Culkin from Home Alone! He was so cute in that movie. I think I'll go give him a hug- OH MY GOD, HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!

That was essentially the premise of this movie. Macauley Culkin, already famous for being a cute and tenacious home security system, appears to be a good wholesome child. That is until your back is turned and he started a-murdering people. By murdering people I include the following: his baby brother, his kid sister, a neighbor's dog, and oh yeah ABOUT 10 PEOPLE ON THE HIGHWAY.

The Horrifying Point:

We often think of children as being purely innocent, and for all the horrible cliches of this movie, Culkin is not only bloodthirsty but selfish to the point of killing his own mother to get his way.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

Culkin shoots the neighbor's dog for sport.

8. Village of the Damned

Once upon a time, in a sleepy little hamlet, a meteor crashes and magically every woman in the town becomes pregnant. I'll let that creepy point sink in first. Every woman in the town, virgins included, become pregnant simultaneously. And they give birth simultaneously to silver-haired, violet-eyed alien babies. The alien babies become ghastly little children who are also freak-geniuses and telepathic. Their eyes start swirling and everyone does what they want. And they do just what any freaky smart, hive-mind alien children would do with this power- force the adults to off themselves when they get in their way. Eventually the only way to stop the little alienoids is to lock them in a building and blow it sky-high before they leave the village and start taking over other places.

The Horrifying Point:

While the movie was originally made in the 1960s to make a point about vulnerability to invasion by the evil communist Russians intent on taking over democracy, it also shows that while they may be your children raised in your loving care, it does not mean they are anything like you.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

When one of the creepy kids is nearly hit by a car, the fellow creepy kids surround the driver and force him to drive into a brick wall.

7. The Exorcist

Latch-key kid Regan likes to play with Ouiji boards, talking to her friend from beyond. Her working single mom thinks that's just fine. She's a good kid, right? Just playing around? WRONG. Regan gets herself all possessed by a demon, which causes her to thrash around, pee on the carpet, stab herself with a crucifix, and projectile-vomit pea-soup across great distances. When her poor mother has tried everything- doctors, psychiatrists, everything a normal parent watching her child fall apart would do- she gets desperate and turns to the Catholic tradition of exorcism to make her daughter make into a normal functioning member of society. And she does get a cure, but not before throwing priests out of windows and snapping their necks first.

The Horrifying Point:

Okay, so Regan is a teenager not a child, but think about this: every parent, even the best intentioned, has no idea how to handle an out-of-control teenager.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

I won't even describe this one. Just put on the DVD and skip forward to the crucifix stabbing scene. I'm not responsible for your nightmares.

6. Lord of the Flies

Based on the novel that everyone has to read in high school, this is a creepy children movie that is completely absent of adults. Which is actually the point- when a plane crash lands a group of military school boys on a deserted island, they are left to fend for themselves nary an adult left alive after the crash. Ralph, the good kid leader, tries to create order and civilized rules for governing them. Jack is the bigger, badder kid and goes primitive, taking most of the kids with him. It quickly turns into war games between the two camps as the violence escalates. And these kids do freaky stuff. One goes mad and starts worshiping a rotting boar's head. But eventually the boys turn to murder.

The Horrifying Point:

I'd like to point out that there was nothing wrong with these kids before they crashed. Nothing. Golding intended his novel to demonstrate that once the laws governing society crumble, care and compassion crumble too. But watching the film shows that kids without adult supervision are capable of the worst cruelties.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

The wild boys kill Piggy, a chubby helpless boy, for his glasses so they can start fires.

5. The Brood

Oh Cronenberg, how you love to creep us out. And this thriller goes straight to the ovaries. A psychologist who specializes in "psychoplasmics," a completely made up study in physical manifestations of anger, is treating a man's wife for her "condition." Simultaneously, there are lots of murders and mischief committed by enraged midgets, all wearing the same red hoodies and all with the same face full of ugly. It turns out the psycho psychologist (say that five times fast) has gotten a whole new result from his patient- she pops these demented toddlers off her body like spores. And she kind of likes it.

The Horrifying Point:

I could write a whole term paper on what this movie says about femininity, childbearing, and the role of motherhood. But the point is, unlike Village of the Damned, sometimes children can become the worst manifestations of their parents.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

The wife lifts up her robe to reveal her latest, uh, spawn. Please watch with caution. You might vomit.

4. Pet Sematary

Dead things should stay dead, and that includes children. But when the Creed family moves to Maine they find a convenient loophole to that rule. The pet cemetery by their house is special. Bury dead things in it, and they come back to life. So when their little son Gage is run over by a truck, Louis Creed takes the boy to the cemetery and poof! The boy comes back! But he comes back a viciously evil little version of himself. He's the most terrifying little boy you ever hope to meet, especially once he grabs daddy's scalpel. He goes on his merry way stabbing his mommy and the neighbor before attacking daddy, who has to put him down with a shot of morphine.

The Horrifying Point:

In desperation, parents will do anything to help their children but even taking the greatest intentions and hopes means that they risk doing even greater harm to their offspring.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

Gage comes toddling home to mommy and then stabs her in the eye. So much for a mother's love.

3. The Orphanage (Spanish: El Orfanato)

Ah, I've gotten to ghost children now! This movie starts out sweetly enough. Our heroine Laura grew up in an orphanage, where she played with her other orphan friends until she was adopted and left them all behind. Now an adult, she and her husband have dedicated their lives to helping other children. They've adopted a son with HIV, and now they've bought her orphanage childhood home to take in disabled children. Sounds good and kind-hearted, right? Well dead children aren't interested in humanitarian good deeds. Ghosts begin talking to her son and turning him against his mother. The ghost children cause a little havoc and steal Simon away from his parents, and Laura is forced to accept that she failed to protect her own child. I won't give away the ending, but it is both poignant and terrifying.

The Horrifying Point:

This is a movie that really strikes at the fear deep in every parent's heart: fear of their child going missing. The responsibility and guilt that comes with caring for children can cause reckless mistakes with deadly consequences, and no amount of love in the world can bring back a dead kid.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

Watch Laura run around with a snapped ankle and broken fingers screaming for her child and try to stifle the shivers running down your spine.

2. The Omen

Some days parents are convinced that their little darling may in fact be the spawn of Satan, and in this movie it's true. Damien, dear little Damien, was given to Ambassador Thorn and his wife when their own child is a stillborn. Dear little Damien starts exhibiting some creepy behaviors as a child. His nanny hangs herself. A priest ends up speared to death. So dear little Damien needs to be disposed of, but not so fast- people die protecting dear Damien, and he survives to fulfill his anti-Christ purpose. Like you do.

The Horrifying Point:

Evil may be something we are born into, not raised to be. What's more horrifying for Mr. Thorn is that once he learns the truth about his child's origin, no one else believes that his choice as a parent (which is killing his son for the good of mankind) is the right thing to do.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

Take a look at Damien's face at the end of the movie and tell me you still think he's adorable.

1. Rosemary's Baby

This movie sums up so many deep-seated fears about pregnancy. Innocent little Rosemary from Omaha has come to NYC with her husband, who sells her to the Devil as a baby incubator. She's drugged, raped by the Devil, and wakes up with bruises and scratches unable to remember any of the encounter. And joy! She's pregnant! But her pregnancy doesn't fill her with the happiness she thought it would. She's in pain, weak, and she doesn't feel the same connection to her fetus that she thought she should. She's chided by her doctor, her husband, her neighbors as being just a silly pregnant woman. You never actually see the baby, but in the end, Rosemary accepts her little hellspawn and goes about feeding it.

The Horrifying Point:

Apart from the fact that Rosemary is drugged, raped, and forced to carry the pregnancy, this movie is about the terror underlying pregnancy and motherhood. Your body morphs and reshapes itself, doing stranger and stranger things, all while you are completely unaware of who the person you are carrying will turn out to be.

Uterus Shutting Moment:

ALL OF IT. But seriously, revisit the drugged up rape scene if you want a good nightmare tonight.

So, fellow child-free friends, this Halloween when you're asked if you can't wait to have your own brood to take trick-or-treating, show them this list and wait for the sound of reproductive systems grinding to a halt.

A Childfree World?

     The interesting thing that I hear some non-Childfree/Independent of Dependent (CF/IOD) people indicate is that NOT replenishing our population is a BAD thing. With the world population set to surpass 7 BILLION people I fail to see what is so important about upkeeping these staggering numbers. A good number of the global population does not have access to clean water, sufficient food or health care and these are people who will be procreating for not utilizing contraception.
     The above article states:

 "Over the next forty years, nearly all (97%) of the 2.3 billion projected increase will be in the less developed regions, with nearly half (49%) in Africa. By contrast, the populations of more developed countries will remain flat, but will age, with fewer working-age adults to support retirees living on social pensions."

The argument I have heard is related to that last fact about less working-age people in developed countries. The article also points out:

"Although the issues immediately confronting developing countries are different from those facing the rich countries, in a globalized world demographic challenges anywhere are demographic challenges everywhere," said Bloom.

     So while it may be tempting to turn a blind eye to areas like Africa, you can see from the data that it will be responsible for half of the world's expected growth. In my personal factless opinion, (yes, I'm basing this off my perceived knowledge and would be interested to see solid research)... one of the reasons the African continent is affected by staggering numbers of HIV and pregnancies (and therefore orphaned children with HIV) is because of religious missionaries (Catholic? Christian?) that condemn the use of contraception. It creates a disconnect for the people in their daily lives. I do know of a friend that was working with the Peace Corps in Niger and was involved in a group instructing women about their personal health and contraception and from what I know, my friend was touched by how well-spoken these women were and how they took hold of the knowledge given to them.
    That project is very much in line with Bloom's call to action in the above article:

"We have to tackle some tough issues ranging from the unmet need for contraception among hundreds of millions of women and the huge knowledge-action gaps we see in the area of child survival, to the reform of retirement policy and the development of global immigration policy. It's just plain irresponsible to sit by idly while humankind experiences full force the perils of demographic change.""

 To me, it is foolish to think that as a population we need to keep procreating in order to 'meet our needs'. There needs to be restructuring in many areas to accommodate for the population be it larger or smaller.

Sometimes I wonder if those against contraception are afraid that the film "Children of Men"  from 2006 will become a reality. The film's summary: In 2027, in a chaotic world in which humans can no longer procreate, a former activist agrees to help transport a miraculously pregnant woman to a sanctuary at sea, where her child's birth may help scientists save the future of humankind. Yeah, this isn't likely to happen. But the fatalists that are against the use of birth control seem to think it will.

     To me, birth control is a use of technology that allows people to be more responsible in choosing if and when to bring more humans into this world. There is an example of this in Brazil.

     Basically, the government subsidizes the cost of birth control in Brazil, leading women to have less children in their families as of late. This can be an important step in breaking the cycle of poverty and preventing children from living without access to basic needs. The article states: "Despite having the most Catholics in the world, 80 percent of Brazilian women of childbearing age are using some form of artificial contraception" 
      This is very intriguing because the Catholic Church strongly opposes the use of contraception in any form. People are often very susceptible to the ordinances within their religion so for individuals to go against the expectations of a religious institution is very telling. My opinion is that many religions are out of touch with women's rights due to their patriarchal nature. Women are not just here to produce offspring for men but some religions seem to think so. Yes, I suppose many women do want to have children and therefore play into that part of biology but there are those of us who do not feel the biological urge and that is our prerogative. There comes a point in a person's life where they look at their religious upbringing and they look at what they want their life to be and they find an answer.
     Reproduction issues are not just a matter of religion but can have some political basis as well, as we see in China.  China has been known for it's 'one-child policy' which limits the number of children that a couple can have. But there are a growing number of couples or individuals who do not have children in China. This is sometimes for financial reasons or in cases of individuals, for lack of partner (whether by choice or situation). Of course, all the reasons to stay Childfree in Western nations must be true as well throughout the world. 
     At the end of June, this article detailed some reasons that a growing number of U.S. couples are staying childfree. The beginning of August showed that many NYC women are Childfree-minded as well.   From the June article: "...Nearly one in five American women now ends her reproductive years without children, up from one in ten in the 1970s." 
      As a childfree woman, this makes me happy. NOT because I hate children and think no one should have them (not true at all) but because these articles and facts show me that not only nationally, but internationally, men and women feel more freedom to follow what they know is right for their lives. With the use of technology and resources, we have access to others like us who support and understand this lifestyle. The propensity to procreate is reaffirmed daily in movies and advertisements and personal lives and interactions with parents who evangelize on the benefits of kids. Parents have all the reinforcement they need in other parents but childfree people need reinforcement as well.
    Childfree people are aware of what children are like. We all have been children, we all have been around children. If you are a responsible parent, we respect your decision as long as you don't force it upon us. My wish is that having children is seen not as 'the next logical step' but as one possible result of a well-thought out decision. I know what is right for me and even if I could be a good parent, if it is not what will make me happiest, it is unkind of people to encourage me to procreate. I never encourage them to get rid of their children with the adage "You'll change your mind" that so many childfree people hear from parents. I hope that with time and discussion, people will be allowed to make a decision and let others enjoy the happy result of theirs. I also hope that more children that need parents will be adopted into loving, caring homes. I am thankful for those people that can open up their hearts and homes to children that are in need in this world. To me, that is a sign of a wonderful parent... to love a child that isn't biologically yours but to love and provide for them as though they are. 
     Nia Vardalos, one of my favorite creative souls in the world, along with her husband, Ian Gomez, adopted a little girl, and is a proponent and a spokeswoman for an organization: Help Us Adopt. Adoption to me is a better option than fertility treatments because instead of spending gobs of money and years on fertility treatments, you could find a blessing in a child that needs you immediately. Humans are the only creatures that go through such lengths to extend our genetic makeup, yet we see videos and news all the time of animals that suckle and care for young that are outside of their species. I have chosen a childfree lifestyle because that is what works for me but I heartily applaud with all my heart and soul the wonderful people who can look past their DNA and/or the desire to birth their own baby and make love for adopted children a part of their lives. Peace.

In case you missed them... articles listed above:

• World Population to Surpass 7 Billion in 2011; Explosive Population Growth Means Challenges for Developing Nations  - Science Daily - July 28, 2011

• In Brazil, Women's Changing Roles, Attitudes Leading to Smaller Families  - PBS News Hour - Aug 30, 2011   

• In China, having children is no longer a given   - Los Angeles Times - Sept 02, 2011

• The No-Baby Boom  - Shine on Yahoo - June 28, 2011 
  
  
• We Say No to Babies and Yes to NYC: More city women are taking a pass on the Mommy Path  - New York Post  - Aug 2, 2011

An adventure with Google Images :)

*Note: I'm pretty sure this blog is trying to kill me. This is the second time I've created a post and had it disappear or mostly disappear during the editing process. Le sigh. Moving onward.... to make it bigger and better!!!*

So I found this image above at www.demacho.com and googled it. Found the one below in French that encourages you to just not have kids at all. Yay, Frenchies!

 The following one is a little scary.

 I do approve of the next one... :)

Don't let this last one fool you... That link takes you to a website about infertility and signing a petition to make insurance companies cover fertility treatments...and I quote:  

"Because of the cost of infertility treatment, many couples are being forced into childlessness or a lifetime of debt, just to have a chance to have a child."

I really disagree with this point because it nullifies the option of adoption. Somehow adopting a child isn't seen as noble a cause as giving birth to your own child. Another classy point they state:

"All people deserve to have families, regardless of income, employment, or status."

 Right, so we should encourage people with zero income to procreate because it's their right to have a child? What about the child's right to have their basic needs met? Guess that's not as important, huh?


Here is my favorite picture:

YES!!! I will take the one on the left.  *****The image comes from this article from 2006. READ IT! :)****

Other pictures of note that came from this clothing page.
Here are some of the more 'special' logos you can get on clothing:

^ I'm glad no one in my family is insensitive enough to buy this. Also glad my nephews have cousins on the other side of their family. ;)

This reads: "I Will Be a Mother! Infertility Warrior"
This logo/idea rubs me the wrong way because it makes motherhood into some obsession. I am an adoption advocate. I know there is an appeal to people who want kids to have their own DNA involved but this much emotion makes it seem unstable. You're fighting so hard for this idea when you could adopt a child and begin to love someone who really needs it. It's almost as if there's a disconnect between the idea of motherhood and the reality of it. And that can't be healthy. I know it's simple for me to say it and disregard the emotions of infertile couples, but ADOPT!!! Maybe you can become an "Adoption Warrior" and do some real good for kids that already exist? Just a thought...

^ Those pants are just obnoxiously strange.

Here are some other 'interesting' logos/phrases available for clothing:

• Please alert me if parts fall out. I have endometriosis.
• I had a Miscarriage and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!
• Barren
• Shhhh.... Guess What? Relaxing does not make a baby!
• Please! Ask me about my Uterus!
• Infertility hurts like no pain I've ever known, but thanks for bringing it up!
• I'm an Infertile. Buy Me a Drink!

These phrases obviously show how some people deal with infertility with humor while others are clearly sick of hearing about it and buy a t-shirt to scream out their favorite phrases... Hmmmm, maybe we should do that for being child-free? ;) OH WAIT!!!!! Just type 'childfree' at the same website as above and feast your eyes!!!!

• Smug Childfree Person
• I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in my vibrator.
• Cats...not brats!
• My cat/rat/dog/horse/snake is smarter than your honor student!
• Your kids are the reason I don't have any.
• If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my dog.
• My Inner Child Does NOT need a Playmate. (I'm fine as I am, Thank you!)
• OHMYGOD! I can't believe I forgot to have children!
• Children are for people who can't have dogs/cats.
• TGIC: Thank God I'm Childfree
• Save the Planet! Use Birth Control!
• Kids? No Way! I'm Having a Life Instead!
• Children Aren't My Cup of Tea
• For Novelty Use Only: Not Intended for Procreation
• Childfree and Proud of It!
• Non-Breeder
• Why would I want kids? I'm ENJOYING my life!
• I like the pitter patter of padded paws
• Will Not Breed in Captivity
• Make Love, Not Babies
• If I want a Baby Inside Me, I'll Eat It  (anyone who knows me has heard me say this one!!)
• Please Spay and Neuter your Humans because Overpopulation affects all of us
• We had to get rid of the children - the cat/dog was allergic
• Fixed
• Having a Dog/Cat Completely Fulfills my need to be a "Mommy"/"Daddy" 
• Attention! This villager is not responsible for your children!
• End World Hunger: Use condoms.
• You can have your "pitter patter" and I will sleep in!
• You might want to get your precious little angels away from me before I stun-gun them!
• Men with Vasectomies are really Hot!
• Children aren't my cup of tea
• My Ego has no need to replicate itself!
• Thinker: Two Healthy Incomes, No Kids, Early Retirement
• You Had Me at: I've Been Fixed
• The next person to ask "so when are you having kids??" gets strangled by a tampon.
• Adult on Board!
• Child-free means free to be ME!
• OMG! I forgot to have children... on purpose!
• Child-free men Do It un-interrupted!
• You have kids? Bummer, you were so cute too.
• Don't Ask Me About My Kids (I don't have any and I don't plan to)
• Last I checked, our family is complete
• Want More Ass? Snip your Vas!
• Blissfully Child-free by Choice!
• I'll take barking dogs over screaming sprogs!
• Thank you for not breeding
• I'd rather have cancer than children    (woah)
• Your kids were no trouble at all. I told them there was free candy about 6 blocks from here. Haven't seen them since!
• Not Selfish Enough to Have Children
• Me + Your Kids = Crime Scene
• Do I look like someone who would baby-sit?
• I don't live in your village. Raise your own damn kids!
• I was not put on this earth to give you nieces, nephews or grandchildren.
• Children: A Grave Social Disease
• I am Childless! Therefore I don't care!
• Choose Life! Don't Have Kids!
• I don't have sex with breeders.
• Grandchildren: It's What's for dinner.
• I could give you grandchildren, but I'd have to steal someone else's.
• Grandchildren means your child had SEX.
• Grandchildren: less inheritance for me.
• Grandchildren: you're not getting any from me.
• I can't BEAR children.   ;) get it?
• Honey, I don't hold anything under 21!
• Sure you can bring your kids. Can I bring my stun-gun?
• Child-free and lovin' it!
• If you want Kids: Adopt! There's plenty for everyone!
• The Planet is Breeding to Death
• Parenthood is a Life Sentence without Parole
• New Flash! Your screaming kids are NOT cute!
• Does Not Enjoy Your Children
• When You Stop Having Wars, I'll Start Having Children
• No Semen Demons from this body ever!
• I'm not pro-choice. I'm anti-baby!
• Babies are for suckers.
• I hate your screaming brats.
• I abstained from parenthood.
• Not Mommy Material 
• Not Daddy Material
• I Eat Babies
• Born without Paternal Genes
• Don't Have 'Em, Don't Want 'Em
• Those who can, do. Those who can't, breed.
• Office Baby Shower Fund? Only if Everyone gives to my new kitty shower fund.
• Living the Vida D.I.N.K.
• Leave a Legacy of Deeds, not Seeds
• You Breed Them, You Feed Them
• I Like Children. They taste like Chicken.
• I tried to think of good reasons to have children but there weren't any.
• Not Parent Material. Not Now, Not Ever
• More time should be spent considering children than conceiving them.
• Snipped & Fabulous

As if that wasn't enough... there are some that just have to be seen!!! Enjoy!

Enjoy your childfree day!!! ;)

Stereotypes: Selfish and Indecisive

I had a much longer draft, but the save feature was broken. :( But that's okay, because this one turned out swell. I was going to do two articles but one will do for now. Enjoy!

"One woman's childfree facebook status ignites Facebook free-for-all"   Lilit Marcus writes about her situation when she posted she would be talking about her childfree choice on The Today Show. The link provided also includes the segment that aired.
     I was happy to see the segment that aired on national TV so the lifestyle gains exposure and hopefully more acceptance but it's also silly that we have to make a news clip to help some of the more obtuse breeders understand that not everyone wants to pop out babies. Do we need a segment to explain that not everyone wants to be doctors either? I can imagine some mothers watching the segment and exclaiming: 'Can you believe that some women don't actually want to be mothers? What's wrong with them?!' This often seems to be the mentality.
    Laura Scott, author of 'Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice' was also featured during the Today Show segment and said that two of the stereotypes childfree people encounter is that they are selfish and they will change their mind. In her text, Lilit Marcus speculated what would happen if she were to tell a pregnant woman that she would change her mind a few years after having kids.
     It always astounds me when people suggest I will change my mind. As if I haven't had enough experiences with children to know what it entails or that some man will come sweep me off my feet and change my weak, feminine resolve. I am one of five children and many cousins. I was a babysitter, a camp counselor and I'm an aunt to three wonderful, amazing, vivacious boys.
     I think I'm pretty well aware that it takes oodles of time, money and energy to be a parent. I'm pretty sure I know my interest in the idea of motherhood and I can gauge my capacity for the position. Even though I know I'm capable of it, I don't want to be a mother. I don't want to climb Mt. Everest in the buff. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to want to be a police officer. I don't want to live in Alaska. I know myself better than anyone else so for people to suggest they know what I really want is ridiculous, absurd and rude.
     'You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy'. The right guy won't want children either. This is dating requirement #2 (attraction is obviously #1). Will you change your mind about marrying a drug-user when you meet one who is ever so swell? Probably not. Because hopefully that's part of your screening process in the early stages of the game. The desire to remain child-free is part of my requirements. If it's not met, well, sorry buddy.
     'It's selfish for you to not have kids'. This is one of the most ludicrous, insulting statements I've ever heard. I will never understand the logic behind this one because it is faulty. As one of the speakers in the Today Show segment said, having children is seen as a rite of passage and most people accept that without much question. They assume it's part and parcel to a happy life and can't comprehend a life without children. To me, these people must hold child-rearing in such high regard that it seems they almost believe it's the only pathway to a higher plane. They believe that if they don't sacrifice, they aren't a good person. Martyr syndrome, anyone?
     Does having children make you unselfish? I contest that it doesn't and many times makes people more selfish. People try to reason with me that if I don't have kids, there will be no one to take care of me in my old age. Now, isn't that selfish of them? They assume that their children will be there for them without even taking into account their children will be human beings that will have free will and their own desires and ambitions. Children grow into adults of free thought and individuality and there is no guarantee your children are going to like you or even stick around. To be morbid, there is no guarantee that your children will outlive you. No thank you. I don't think I will procreate in order to have people take care of me if and when I get old. I will let hired help take care of me. That's what I'll pay them for.
     Another somewhat-selfish attachment to breeding is wanting a piece of yourself and your spouse to be created and commemorated, to carry on some family blood line or some other such thing. Obviously, it's your right to have your own biological children but if you really love kids all that much and they're so precious and wonderful, why haven't you considered adoption? If there's so much love in your heart, why can't you extend it forward for children who already exist? Children who have been otherwise mistreated or abandoned? Or do you have some superiority complex that demands your bloodline is endangered or important? Although I don't fault people for having their own children if they are able, I find the stigma of biology rather silly. And could be considered borderline selfish, but Lord knows they don't want to be insulted the same way they insult child-free people with the word 'selfish'.
     Why is my choice to lead my life towards joy seen as selfish anyway? I try to be a good person and follow my hopes and dreams. But if I don't put those dreams aside, I'm somehow selfish? There is seriously no other way I can redeem myself if I don't have kids? I don't find this to make a smidgen of sense. I want to be happy. If I know that having children is outside my desires, why is it selfish of me to NOT bring children into this world? I don't want to harbor feelings against children for ME not accomplishing my goals. So I'm going to work on accomplishing my goals. Why is it any concern to anyone else?
     In an effort to show how judgmental these people are, I will admit, that for the past couple years, I've been using some of my free time (childfree time) to volunteer with special needs youth. Does that make me selfish? Think back to when you were expecting. Didn't you secretly hope you wouldn't have a disabled child? Of course we are humans and of course we are selfish. It's part of self-preservation. You're not going to wish to purposely have a disabled child because it is a lifetime of extra time, money and energy. If it happens, I wish you the strength, energy, resources and openness to accepting this challenge and opening your heart to it. These families astound me and I pray they have joy and strength. I'm writing this, not to applaud myself for my good deed but as an example to people who think childfree people are selfish. With the time we have not raising children, some of us make an effort to help those of you who do. Childfree people are capable of so much that still brings us joy and happiness and helps us find our fulfilled life. Just because I choose a different lifestyle than you does not make me selfish and you not. Nor does it make you selfish and me unselfish. We are human beings working towards joy and happiness. That is what is important.
     So tell me again, do I know myself well enough to make my own life choices? Does the decision to not procreate make me categorizable into a stereotype? Or are we capable of so much more than these misunderstandings and labels?

Rants, Raves and a Book Review

My last post was intellectual for the fact that I reviewed different mediums in relation to being childfree/IOD (Independent of Dependents). This post will be a little more free-flow thought and was written over a period of two days... hence the length ;)

Rant #1: Some parents have nothing else on their mind but their children and this is NOT an interesting topic most of the time. Case in point: I recently was witness to two mothers beaming to each other about their children. One dominated the conversation with stories about her children, while one of them tugged on her arm, begging to go home. So the mother ignored the kid's needs (wants) because she was too busy talking about the kid. HA! Now, the other mother was very happy to bond over mom stuff and how precious the kids are. I'm glad that they were both into the conversation, but the mother with kids never stopped talking about her kids in the several days I was around her. I know that parents are capable of talking about other things besides their kids.... right? Sometimes it doesn't seem like it. I mean the lady was nice and her kids were well behaved and sure, we ALL have dominated a conversation with something that the listener doesn't care to hear. (Half the time because they are too busy thinking about what they want to say.) But with many parents, they only converse about their kids. And it's pretty boring for the rest of us. If you aren't a close personal friend of mine, I probably don't care about your kids. Especially if you're a coworker who ONLY ever talks to me about your offspring. I have three nephews, and I will often talk about them to relate to people who can't seem to find any other topics. Honestly, I'd almost rather make idle chat about the weather, because once the convo is done, it's done. You're not going to talk about different weather patterns of the past 13 years, but you might talk about many stories involving your 13 year old child. Can almost guarantee I'll want to run away screaming before you get to the second mini-story. If you don't want to hear about my multiple vacations, don't tell me about your kids. You have your interests, I have mine. Let's meet in the middleground. "Sure is hot today!" "Yup, it sure is."

Rant #2: When I posted about this blog on my facebook page, an individual who has an inflated esteem of his knowledge felt inclined to post something along these lines: 'I don't have any moral stance on having kids or not, but people who don't have kids shouldn't get as many Social Security and Medicare benefits because they didn't have kids to replace them to pay into the system'. Le sigh. This individual is a political blogger and this is the best he can do?! I have had several frustrating situations where this chap feels the need to show off but is tactless and egotistical. So I have to control myself to pretend he didn't write anything, knowing that he won't stop trying to make others look bad.
     Recently, I brought this chap's comment up to a coworker who was a poly sci major and he pointed out a flaw I didn't even think of: It's irrelevant if a person had kids; if they still worked and paid into the SS and Medicare systems, they are entitled to the benefits.
     My thoughts on the chap's ill-informed comment were as such: (1) Governments should neither punish nor reward procreation. (2) If the government is so worried about allocation of funds for SS and Medicare, maybe they should stop giving tax breaks to people for having kids and use THAT money for the retirment programs. (3) Why can't I get a tax break for not causing the government systems as much strain as it takes to raise children?
     Obviously, the role of procreation in politics is a very large topic with which I don't have much experience. I'm not going in depth on the issue, but to say that there is a very large bias in politics and communities towards children-based families.

Rave #1: While trying to search for books in my local library's catalogs, I found that the keyword 'childfree' produced no results. So for half a moment, I thought that the library didn't have any books on the topic, until I discovered the keyword on file was 'childless'. I found a few books that I wanted to check out and also made several requests for future library purchases to enhance the selection. A library employee got back to me and told me what books to expect. I hinted to her at the possibility of adding 'childfree' to the keyword batch since it is more accepted. AND.... She did! She wrote back and thanked me for the idea and said 'childfree' was a keyword now, alongside the Library of Congress' suggested 'childless'. So, hooray for the people at the library!

Rave #2: I've been under the impression for the 8 years that I've know I don't want kids that health care providers will not take seriously people of my age who would like anti-procreation procedures (i.e. vasectomies and tubal ligations). But after reading the book I review below and reading an essay of one male of a young age who got a vasectomy, and talking with a friend who told me doctors WILL consider it, I decided to ask my 'lady-parts' doctor. She was way more open than I expected and suggested looking into IUD's instead as insurance would probably cover it and cost less than a tubal. She also thought it was hilarious that I have a blog called IOD ;) It must be fate! I figure, why should I live in fear of pregnancy when it's my body? So I will be reading up on the options for sure. :) What I'm raving about: finding a doctor who doesn't think I'm crazy. She said for the longest time she and her husband didn't have kids, till one drunken night. ;0) She said she knows she would have had a fulfilled lifestyle without kids as well. So I'm glad that there are health care providers out there who don't need me to lay out a dissertation on my reasoning. (Side bar: I would love if more people just accepted that my choice is MY choice and don't try to convince me to think like them. Do you ever wonder if people try to talk you into kids as a means of justifying their kids to themselves?) But thank the stars for a person who doesn't think I'm crazy. Sure, they get money from either option I choose, but I could tell she was a good person trying to help. And I'm glad for that!


Review:

Nobody's Father: Life Without Kids [Paperback] Lynne Van Luven (Editor), Bruce Gillespie (Editor)

This book is a collection of essays written by Canadian-based men who are 'Nobody's Father'. It is a followup to Nobody's Mother: Life Without Kids [Paperback] Lynne Van Luven (Editor), which I'm itching to get my hands on.

     "Nobody's Father" was a great read for me as it was the story at the other end of the table. It was great to read about the variety of men and how they came to be childfree, or as in one man's case, 'childless' to the very core. There were stories of straight, gay, transgendered men; some never tried to have children, some had near misses, and the second to last entry is a man who lost his 16 year old son to cancer and then became 'Nobody's Father'. I was reading that essay (and the others) on a plane and was not very successful in holding back tears. Some of the stories made me laugh, most made me think and all made me understand.

      Some of my favorite excerpts:

"Although I was driven to create, I never considered that the act of creating a new human life would meet my needs. I knew good parenting demands a time commitment. You have to accept the possibility of sacrificing your own dreams to prepare the next generation for their dreams. I pictured a never-ending circle where unfulfilled dreams are passed on to the next generation for them to achieve." Gord More writes in "The Creative Road":p 52

The above quote speaks to me as a creative person... I know I have so much to do in my life, and I'm not willing to put it aside. I want to create and travel probably as deep as some women want to be mothers. We both have the right to do this. I really liked how Gord More described the fun creative projects he and his wife would do with kids. You don't have to be a parent to make a difference in the life of a child!

"To say, I'm never having children"is one of those audacious, understandably rash statements people expect you to make when you're young, but never take seriously. I don't say those words too often, because they inevitably lead to being confronted with the reductive "Why?" Like all things that have become a part of who you are, your reasoning can be difficult to isolate and examine, let alone explain with any clarity." Aaron Shepard writes in "At the Edge of the Herd" page 128

The above quote is my greatest frustration. No one ever questions someone on why they want to have kids, but if you speak the opposite, it's nearly treason. And the person who questions you doesn't actually want to understand, a good portion of the time. For those that do, well, this doesn't apply. There are some people who ask who do have a genuine interest, but the others are only interested in themselves and don't try to fathom others.

"At worse, all I've accomplished by remaining childless is avoiding those great unknowns within the self, things you can only learn by raising children." Aaron Shepard writes in "At the Edge of the Herd" p 132.

Of course there are things I won't experience by not being a parent, but there are things that parents don't experience b/c they have children. That's just the world we live in. Every choice takes you somewhere new and you may not always go back.

"Never mind tallying up the gains and losses: I don't feel compelled to be a parent. It's neither my loss nor my gain. It's my identity." Aaron Shepard writes in "At the Edge of the Herd" p 134.

One, I love that his last name ties in with the title of his essay and Two, I love the simplicity of the statement. It's one of those, 'I know both sides of the issue and it's my choice' type things.

"Not placing another life on the planet should be seen as a virtue equal to the urge to perpetuate the species."  John Barton writes in "Adding Nothing to the Flow: Greening the Pregnant Man" p. 145

Obviously we childfree/IOD aren't looking for a pat on the back or a party, but really we should get one! You have baby showers and get gifts. I want presents and recognition too! In fact I can almost guarantee that I will have to arrange a "no-baby" shower for myself sometime in the future, where I will get baby bottles of booze and money for traveling and other some such things. That will be fun to plan AND to attend!

    John Lent writes in "Navigating the River of No Return" about how it wasn't safe for his wife to have children so they were without children. A situation in which someone he admired said:

"'You know John, ... I have come to know for a fact that you are never completely human if you do not have children.' ... At the time, I remember simply taking in his comment quietly, but over the years, especially when things got tough for Jude and me, I would get angry remembering this exchange, and I would imagine, pointlessly, telling my friend that he was full of shit: that you couldn't make such a ridiculous statement, that it was groundless and, in some ways, idiotic as well as self-serving. But there you go. My silence was part of what always happened back then, and still does in many ways when the matter of children comes up. No matter what patronizing lip service is paid to the other camp now, yu're still in the minorty when you either don't have children or decide not to have them, and you'd be crossing a sacrosanct line if you tried to break out of it. You'd be attacking the one thing that  can't  be attacked in this culture: creating the conventional bloodline family. Not only that, you are also an incomplete human being to boot." John Lent in "Navigating the River of No Return" pp 150-151.

A-freaking-men. Honestly, many times I am sick of having to preface my lifestyle/decision by "I like kids" so that people won't think I'm a monster. And I don't like having to pretend to like other people's kids. And I don't like having to basically worship other people and commend them for the 'sacrifices' they've made. Why do I have to make so many allowances towards families when no one makes allowances for the childfree? I'm never going to get maternity leave or any other benefits that families can get.
     Most people in most cultures just assume that everyone is supposed to have kids and think there must be something wrong with the people who don't. I have to bend over backwards in many conversations to put parents at ease so they don't think of me as a heartless freak. I shouldn't care what they think of me, but since there are fewer IOD/childfree people, I'm an unofficial ambassador. I have to put parents at ease for the sake of childfree members of humanity. Look at me and the sacrifices I'm making! haha Just playing. But really, people assume things that makes them look stupid. This past week, I was standing next to a 36 year old woman and someone asked if she was my mother. (I'm 26, but look 12). And likewise the 36 year old woman was standing next to a 50 something woman and someone asked if SHE was HER mother. And how many times my nephews have been assumed to be my sons? For Chripe's sake people! Stop assuming that there must be a child/parent relationship with everyone you see!!! (Also annoying is when siblings get mistaken for partners. Ew. Just ew.) When you ASSUME... you make an ass out of u and me... but just mostly of yourself ;)
    So basically what that excerpt exemplifies is that childfree people are usually looked down upon or pitied. But really the childfree pity (and get annoyed by) those ignorant fools who can't fathom that happiness can exist outside of a procreative life. Odd realization.... childfree people are usually tagged as SELFISH for wanting to control their time and money, but I usually find parents think the world revolves around them and their children. I could go on and on about the allowances that people expect for them and their kids, but that makes me seem bitter. Even if I am.... I have more excerpts! Onward!

     John Lent also writes of a funny moment in which he took a couple of pictures of his wife toweling off their dog. In the first picture, it looked like a beaming mother with a babe in swaddling clothes. In the second picture, the reveal of the dog. Lent writes:

"And I thought, great, let's send these out [for Christmas cards] with caption: mother and chlid both well, considering. At least we got a laugh out of it. But, no, we never sent it. We never sent it because we would be reminding the people close to us that we sometimes felt their awkwardness about our childlessness rather ridiculous, even patronizing. We wanted them to understand our lives the way we understood them. but you can't have everything; you can't change everything." John Lent in "Navigating the River of No Return" p. 154.

Sometimes people just don't get it. My aunt, into her 40s, was talking to someone who was befuddled by the fact that she and her husband don't have kids. Here's a mock-up of the convo: 'Oh, don't worry, you'll have kids someday.' 'Uh, no we won't.' Then the question, 'What do you even do with your time if you don't have kids?' 'Lets see, I work, travel, exercise, live an awesome life. Oh and I can afford to buy a BMW'. Why is it so impossible for people to fathom an alternative to their life??! Half the time, I think people have kids, not only because it's been drilled into them, but for the fear of 'what do you do with the 60 years of life after age 20?' They need a way to pass time, and kids are definitely a way to do that. Just watch the years fly by! From diapers to diplomas in no time! Thanks, but no thanks. I have a few ideas of how to spend the years after 20 and beyond...and they involve a passport, a camera, and not a small amount of rum ;)

"I have a strong suspicion , however, that whatever primal instincts each of us has to nurture, protect and love surface naturally in our lives, with or without children, so that the emptiness referred to above is filled in natural ways that are not substitutions, but simply the body fulfilling itself... Childlessness does not contain a condition of unfulfilled love, or loneliness, or emptiness internally, but these effects can be manufactured externally by the influences around us, people and culture, and, as a result, childless people have to be very wise. They are at risk if they do not mull these things over and see past them." John Lent writes in "Navigating the River of No Return" p. 155

In life, people try to break others down to build themselves up, whether knowlingly or unknowingly. You have to be strong and know who you are and what you want and not be swayed by others. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who didn't choose to be parents, but drifted into it. All fathers, for instance. JUST KIDDING! But living in the idea that having kids will somehow fulfill you as a person is false, just as is false the idea that you will be happy after you find 'the right person'. You have to be happy with yourself, by yourself, to know your strengths and shortcomings because life isn't a fairy tale, but it can get close sometimes if you have a healthy hold on reality. Don't let anyone force you into thinking, feeling or doing something that doesn't vibe with who you are. But first, take the time to know yourself. Then you can be at peace with whatever comes your way.

     Jack Hughes writes in "Unexamined" of seeing the film 'Joshua' in which parents of a 10 year old become the parents of a monster when their kid rebels against them having a new baby. Hughes says it's not a horror flick, but the reality of it scary:

"Everyone knows you can't control your kids, and I wouldn't want to, but I can't imagine ceding so much dominion over myself. I don't want to have to worry about being hated or ignored or squeezed for money or to suffer whatever other child-generated squalls might blow across my future. I suppose there'd be offets, that depsite it all, I'd love them, but I don't feel deprived of love now." Jack Hughes writes in 'Unexamined' p 159-160.

I feel that many people gloss over the bad parts of raising children. I know many people who say they want kids might carry a very romanticized idea of children with them. I'm no fool. I've had nephews since before I started high school. In fact, it'll be 12 years now at the end of the month, when my oldest nephew turns 12!! I've mentioned before that I love being 'the fun aunt', but I've even had to break that self-designated role and yell like a parent to get their attention one day when they were far out of control. I could tell the oldest recognized and he immediately changed his behavior for the better. I think it scared him to see that side of me, but such is life. Children are NOT stress-free. They will test you beyond your limits. Likewise, that same older nephew saw me taking care of his little brother when he had a bad reaction to food while with me for an overnight. Observing my caretaking and coddling, my oldest nephew said, with a funny look on his face, "It's weird. You're acting like a mom." HA! I've always known that I would make a good mom, but the thing is, I can be a better aunt. I'm not a fool. I know that children are a commitment that I don't have to make. I don't have to buy a house either. I don't have to do many things that other people expect me to do. I just need to be in touch enough with reality and what works for me.

     In "Everyone's Uncle", Don W. Maybin, a gay man in his 50's, writes:

"In recent years, the gay community has been demanding the right to adopt. I support this demand totally. There are so many unfortunate children who need a caring home, a chance for a better life. Heterosexual fundamentalists of any stripe do not have a monopoly on love, and I believe adoption by gay couples is a wonderful thing."  p 226

"I know I could do a better job than those of my acquaintances who live vicariously through their children, loading beliefs, desired abilities and lifelong ambitions onto the back of a stressed-out son or daughter....Sometimes I watch as a spoiled brat screams in front of a toy counter or vending machine, demanding whatever is on display, while a frazzled parent pleads with the child to behave, secretly wanting to spank the miniature monster but knowing the world is watching. And I think, "Thank God I never had one of those!" But then something from a deeper place wants to grab the tyrannical tot, hug him or her close and say, "Who needs that silly stuff? I love you, and I will give you the best thing in the world, my heart with millions of ribbons attached." And I would. I have tied emotional strings around many loved ones, but there are still plenty left, enough to weave a rope around a child's heart and my own"  Don W. Maybin, "Everyone's Uncle" p 230.

How absolutely beautiful, Don's sentiment. Being 'Everyone's Uncle' is just as important a role as being 'someone's parent'. There exists the capability to love within every person. I'm obviously biased towards justice and equality, but I can't read that and say that non-hetero couples don't deserve the right to nurture children. The government doesn't say that gay people with children from hetero relationships can't raise their own children, so why can't they raise other people's children? Adoption is a loving option and I would love to hear that the government would allow for those with an open home and an open heart could bring children into it, without stipulation that the potential parent fit the hetero mold. Love is love is love is love. And it needs to be shared, so it can bloom for all.


     I'll close my very very very long blog entry with something that touched me. This weekend, I was witness to a beautiful wedding in New Mexico between two beautiful people. The groom was 38 and his special guest to the wedding was an 89 year old man who had become his Big Brother, through the program of that name, when the groom was 12. That means Big Brother was in his 60s when he befriended the young boy through the program after his own kids were grown up. You could tell that Big Bro had a substantial part in Little Bro's development as a person. Big Bro took Little Bro fishing and hunting and what have you. And Little Bro wanted Big Bro at his wedding 20 some years later. The day after the wedding, Little Bro took Big Bro for a drive in New Mexico so they could look for wildlife as they used to do in younger days. It really touches me to have witnessed this relationship. It speaks to the core of our nature as humans, that we all just really need love and we don't need to be related to share something special with another person. So let us be the forever aunts and uncles that can still live the lives of our choosing and share our abundant love. There is more than one way to care for a person and I'm glad to prove it! ;)
Peace Peace Peace and Love Love Love to You and Your Loved Ones! :)
-D

The Reviews are In: Book, Comic, Article and Movie

BOOK REVIEW: Well, I ran off and read "No Kids: 40 Good Reasons to Not Have Kids" in one day. As soon as I was done, I declared to my mother: "Well, I now have 40 good reasons to not have kids, but I only needed one: I don't want them." She, mother of five, poo-pooed me and said "Once they're out of diapers your old man will take care of them." It's sad to me that my mother seems to believe I'm crazy to want a life of freedom when she is part of my inspiration. My choice has nothing to do with her mothering, but more so that I saw what she gave up for us. Isn't part of being a parent to let your child have the best life possible? I don't think my 'best life' involves procreation. That's not a crime, but people treat it as such.

Author of the above book, Corrine Maier, found that she was treated criminally when she suggested she, at times, regrets having her two children:

"There are some things that a mère de famille - the mother of a family - just doesn't say, or she risks being seen as a monster. The party line is, "I'm proud of my children: if there is one thing I do not regret, it's becoming a parent."   p.4

Maier also points out that it is necessary that a mother is the author of a book such as this:

"There are some things that only a mère de famille can say, if she has the nerve to come out and say them. If I had written this book without having had children, everybody would have accused me of being an embittered and jealous old hag. I expect I'll still be called an unworthy mother." p. 12

Honestly, as a mother, Maier is much more well equipped than a non-parent to detail reasons why one should close the door on parenthood. There are details about taxes and school registration and other such things that I as an 'Always Adoring Aunt' won't actually know without research. And since Maier is writing from the French perspective, there are of course other governmental tax systems when it comes to having children.

This book is short and easy to get through. I highly recommend it for the Independent of Dependents (IOD) crowd for reaffirmation of their choice; the parents that want to commiserate the difficulities of parenthood AND understand it's okay to admit that a childfree lifestyle would have its benefits; and for those people still on the fence about the decision to procreate. After reading this book, I was scared even more so into my choice of staying IOD. There are so many non-romantic, non-fairy tale elements of child-rearing and Maier does a superb job of NOT sugar-coating them. Thank you, Corinne Maier!!!


COMIC STRIP REVIEW:

This comic strip speaks to me personally about why I don't want children... I don't want my sense of identity to be wrapped up in the lives of other people. I don't want to define myself in realtion to others, especially not when it comes to sacrificing myself and my goals. BIG KUDOS to those who are able to put aside many things they had dreamed of in order to attempt to bring about a good life for their offspring, but not me.

This entire comic strip, day after day, shows the trials and tribulations of parenthood. While funny and relatable to many people, to me, it's also a warning of what life could be. I'm not saying parenthood is equivalent of being incarcerated, but I'll bet some parents feel that's what it's like sometimes. And honestly, it basically is. A sentence of 18+ years of guardianship and guidance. But I don't want my life to be spent trying to raise children and tell someone else what to do. In fact, my father was still trying to discipline my 20 year old brother and I at the dinner table the other night, telling us not to be "crass" i.e. stop burping and farting and laughing about it. But my poor father is like Rodney Dangerfield... He 'gets no respect'. My mother even joined my brother and I when we were laughing uncontrollably at my father's tirade against bodily functions. Poor Dad. Just trying to play the disciplinarian and trying to make us suitable dinner guests. Well, that just goes to show... a parent's job is never done.


ARTICLE REVIEW:  http://omaha.com/article/20110529/LIVING/705299911#age-old-decision

This article was featured in the Sunday paper and immediately caught my eye. It features the trend of women waiting longer before they have children. Some of their reasons feature wanting to travel, wanting to become more accomplished and focused, wanting to have the financial ability to raise children, being able to increase their pay before having children (often there is a larger pay gap for women who already have children), or meeting their partner later. The statistics show that 76% of women who have college degrees become mothers, while 88% of women with less than a high school degree become mothers. This to me is interesting. It's not to say that if you have more education you don't want children, but it seems if you have a higher education, you realize that other opportunities exist and take part in them. Of the families featured in the article, none mentioned adoption or fostering as an option to child-rearing and to me, that is a little disappointing. I'm glad that there is an increasing trend to live one's life and MAKE a decision for children, but there still is a large focus on the importance of starting one's one biological family. I'm sure there are many children out there who would benefit very much from the worldliness and financial stability these 'older' parents are able to provide. Personally, I have a hard time with the biology of childbirth. I really wish humans were more compassionate and were able to love other children that already exist, rather than needing to have their own biology reflected in their offspring. I know there are many people out there who lovingly open their homes to adoption, but unfortunately, it's not enough and there are too many children in unsafe foster situations. IF I were to ever want children someday, I do hope that I would be able to open my heart and take part in adoption or fostercare; to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. I do so wish that people who want so badly to be parents could consider fostering or adopting children in need. Love is love, isn't it?


MOVIE REIVEW: When I grabbed 'Auntie Mame' (1958) off the shelf at the library, I wasn't thinking about using it for a research point, but after watching it I'm delighted at how well it fits with my beliefs. Originally I was thinking, 'Ah, Rosalind Russell! An old classic movie! Gotta watch it!' After watching it, I do believe I may have watched it before as part of my Film Studies degree, but it was still fun to watch. The premise is of a young boy who goes to live with his wild aunt in New York. I love the message. 'A woman doesn't have to give birth to be a mother, to have grandchildren.' 'Being an aunt can be just as fulfilling as the role of mother.' 'A woman can live an amazing life without having to give birth.' The list goes on and on. It's a film about poo-pooing accepted standards. Mame even takes in an unwed mother, which was quite a stigma back in the day. This movie makes me smile, because it is one of my ambitions to be Auntie Mame! I want to be the fun, free-wheeling aunt who has all the love and adventures to give to my wonderful nephews (maybe future neices?). I want to be the one who can afford to be frivilous and fun and exciting. There is glory in this to be sure. And the funny thing is, that my glorification and idealization of the role of 'aunt' is the same that many young women put on the role of 'mother'. But the thing is, I'm already an aunt. I know what the reality of it is. I can choose how often I get to see my nephews, how involved to be. As a mother, that isn't a luxury one has. It's a committment. Being an aunt is and isn't a choice. I was given the role of aunt, and it's one I accepted excitedly. But I could have very well denounced it or been uninterested and still held the title of 'aunt'. Some might say that motherhood isn't a choice, that it just 'happens'. But those are people who probably have very strict religious views about contraception and/or abortion. We live in a world of science and technology. We have a choice. There are many choices in this world. No one should look down on another's choice, is it not? You wouldn't dare to convince me, a person who gets weak at the site of blood and broken bones, non-science minded, with an unsteady hand, to become a brain surgeon, now would you? So why dare to try to convince me to be a mother, when I'm in love with traveling and art and exploration and sleeping in and creating and living a lifestyle of MY choosing? If you aren't going to be there to change the diapers at 2 am, you better not try to tell me to have children! And I won't tell you to climb an active volcano or jump off a cliff to go paragliding (both of which I've done!). Leave my adventure to me, and you can have your adventure of your choosing.

"Diapers or diamonds? Now, I'm sure I could have both, but I'm not greedy. Driver, pull the car around. We're going to Tiffany's!" - Me! DPS 5/30/2011

Peace, in whatever YOU choose!
-D