There are many ways to live one's life. Most of the world chooses to procreate, but what about those who don't? This blog highlights those who are choosing to be 'Independent of Dependents' and leading happy, healthy lives. We aren't freaks of nature, but rational human beings. Curious to learn? Read on...
All the things you get to do when you're not pregnant.
Tonight, "How I Met Your Mother," a sitcom that has spent six seasons building up the identity of the mother of Ted Mosby's children finally stepped away from focusing on Ted and got into the mind of one of the female characters for a change. And for once, the show that is so focused on settling down and having kids as the aim of life showed the child-free side in a realistic and even a little touching way.
If you haven't seen the show, the woman pictured above is Robin Scherbatsky, a TV journalist, who has always been vocal about the fact that she doesn't want kids. As Mosby's first serious love-interest in the show, the kids or no-kids issue was a deal breaker. Robin wanted to continue chasing her dream of being a journalist, traveling, and remaining free and independent.
So tonight's episode threw her a loop. Robin learned that she might be pregnant, and pregnant by none other than the show's lovable lothario Barney (Neil Patrick Harris- seriously, I am trying to make sure any non-HIMYM viewers follow me here!)
Barney takes this in a very uncharacteristically positive way, and goes from "commitment is something you tell girls you want so you can sleep with them" to "yay, we're going to have a baby" in a span of 10 seconds. And he tries to take Robin with him, dragging her to baby stores to convince her that having offspring would be fun.
Thankfully, the show brought Robin back to her principles. While baby-shopping with their pregnant friend Lily, Robin and Barney are confronted by all the terrors of pregnancy and child-rearing- tired parents, out-of-control kids, nipples cracking from breast-feeding- you get the idea. And when a doctor confirms that Robin is not pregnant, she and Barney do a happy dance of relief and joy.
But then the doctor brings on some more news: Robin isn't pregnant because Robin can't get pregnant. This suddenly puts a down note on what was otherwise a great episode on how not every accidental pregnancy is a joy. Instead of taking this news with relief that she won't have to worry about scares like this in the future, Robin becomes disheartened. She talks about how she wanted to be able to have the option later if she chose; suddenly she is stricken with regret over something she never wanted to begin with.
I know many CF people who would identify with Robin in this episode. They don't want children for many reasons, but they've never wanted to take away the option. It's an argument many child-free people run into in their lives. "Won't you change your mind?"
And truthfully, some CFers do. But they've thought very seriously about the challenges of having children and have taken the time to decide that is was right for them. The infertility news doesn't spur Robin to have IVF and get pregnant at any cost, but she mourns the loss of being able to change her mind.
But ultimately, she remembers why she chose not to have children- because it was not what she wanted out of life.
In the end, the episode wraps with Ted telling his future children about all the wonderful things their "Aunt Robin" accomplished- traveling, famous TV journalist, even a bullfighter- but most importantly "kids, there was one thing Aunt Robin never was: lonely."
That time of year is upon us. Collectively known as "the holiday season" in the next six weeks we will be bombarded by Christmas ads, turkey dinners, travel, decorations, etc. that of course all come back to the family as the central part of the celebration.
(Sorry, Hanukkah, I know you're a big family-centric holiday too. Unfortunately, you don't get nearly the ad revenue that Christmas does.)
Every commercial, every film, every billboard shows big family gatherings, putting particular emphasis on toys for the kids, the kids' table at Thanksgiving- in other words the presence of children seem to be the definition of family. Don't have them? That means you won't have a true Thanksgiving or Christmas this year.
That's the argument that many of my more reproductive-minded acquaintances make. The common definition of a "normal family" is that of the nuclear family unit- two parents and children. The holidays and their advertised tradition of such a family makes the reproductive-minded turn to the child-free and say so pityingly, "You must be so lonely over the holidays- no family and all."
Newsflash: the child-free have families! We have large families!
I, for example, come from a large family. I have multiple siblings, some of whom have married, and a multitude of aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins' spouses, cousins' kids, second cousins, cousins-once-removed, great-aunts, grandparents, godparents and a few more friends of the family that are included in every family holiday and special occasion. I used to note how many new relatives I met at every one of my father's Thanksgivings. There was always a new second cousin, third cousin, father's cousin's second wife's father. As I write my family is currently planning how to get 15 to 17 of us into a cabin for Christmas, ages ranging from 2 to 96.
The assumption that family means having children is harmful not just to the child-free community but to an entire extended family. By not having children we actually have more time to spend with the family unit we were born into. We have our parents, our aunts, uncles, grandparents (for those lucky enough to still have their grandparents), and our siblings whom we spend the holidays with.
"But don't you want kids of your own to play Santa with? Don't you want to see them open Christmas presents, play tug-o-war with the wishbone at Thanksgiving?"
NO. You know how much stress parents have to deal with over the holidays? Cook a fantastic Thanksgiving feast with picky-eating children, or with children underfoot in the kitchen. Buying all the toys and gifts they want? EXPENSIVE.
And, despite popular belief, we do have children in our families. We have nieces, nephews, godchildren, and cousins' offspring aplenty to get the kid festivities of Christmas if we choose. (Note: we don't have to try and put them to bed on New Year's Eve so we can ring in the new year! Happy New Year to us! hahahaha!)
And that's just family that's blood. Our families also include our friends, neighbors- people whom we bring into our lives who are not our blood but who still become our family.
Being child-free (and for some of us unmarried, but more on that topic another time) we don't have to split holidays with spouses' families if we don't choose, just so people can see our children. Feel like saying "screw Christmas, we're going skiing in Switzerland this year"? We can, because we don't have kids whom are relying upon us to provide all the trimmings of the traditional holiday.
The child-free person's holidays are far from lonely, but in fact are free to devote as much time to a wider family than those who see the nuclear family as the only true family.
By now, we have all heard that the Duggars are expecting Child #20. Personally, this sickens me. I will admit I am not a fan of organized religion, especially when it includes mistakenly justifying the overpopulation of the Earth. (We are over 7 billion people for anyone who's counting.) I've tried to ignore this family and their show and what they stand for (using religion as an excuse to shirk 'family planning' based on technology... or at least using a freaking condom once in a while) but if you are interested in this frighteningly abnormal family, check out the link above. Also check out this article that claims that Michelle Duggar is technically a feminist because she made a life choice that makes her happy. Oh and this book that supposedly tells you that you are mistaken if you think having kids is expensive, cuz it's not and having kids is LOADS of fun. For those of you not following the link, the book is called "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think" by Bryan Caplan. The 'great' thing about this book (that I have NOT read) is that it openly lists the reasons as being SELFISH. At least, they admit it. But unfortunately they act as if it's a good thing to be 'selfish' and disregard your perceptions about using finances as a valid reason to abstain from (more) children.
Here's the thing. I don't personally want children but my wish is that more people educate themselves about this CHOICE that will have THE biggest effect on their lives more so than anything else they will ever do. Having kids is the one thing that you cannot 'undo'. You can get a divorce, you can change jobs, you can move cities but you cannot un-have children.
Maybe the Duggars are good people. Even though I don't agree with their religion and their reasoning for having children, they are providing a safe, loving home for their oodles of kids. (Although the kids can't possibly get the amount of parental attention they would like... especially since child-rearing duties are passed on to the other kids.) The kids are growing up with a set of morals (the religious background scares me - I can almost guarantee that an atheist never uses 'natural family planning') and they seem to be happy, positive people. Even though I don't agree with their religion or lifestyle, I can't help thinking what if the Duggars would have adopted 20 children? Now, it's possible that no adoption agency would place more kids in their crowded home but if the Duggars really have so much love to give, why couldn't they have cared for some of the other children on this Earth? They believe that children are a gift from God but their actions seem to say that it's only your genetic children. And this seems to be the mainstream attitude. And this really, really makes me sad.
Even though I don't want to spend my life in a caretaker role to children, I applaud those that open their hearts and homes to children who really need parents. I'm talking about those people who foster or adopt children that are not biologically their own. People like the Ruckers who have fostered over 45 children within 7 years. <----- Video available at the link. Another, shorter video available below.
I know the fostering system isn't perfect and there are abusive people who take advantage of the fostering system because of the stipend BUT people like this couple make my heart swell. People who are able to do this make me feel so much better about the world and so thankful for these loving, wonderful people.
But then I remember how much people are drawn to starting their 'own' family. When we don't stop and question the norms, we don't always reach our highest potential. Many times people do the 'marriage and kids' thing because it is just what people do. I always encourage people to really get in tune with what makes them happy, whether it's children or not, to really understand and explore what it is they want.
In my life, I understand the responsibilities and lifestyle changes that accompany having children. When I listen to myself and understand my calling and where my life is leading me, I can tell that having children isn't for me. And I can't change that, as much as I can't change the fact that I'm not called to be a doctor. Were my life's motivation to change drastically (not likely), I hope that I would have the strength to foster children. I don't have the urge to birth children and I honestly don't like the baby years. I like kids who are more dependent (i.e. potty trained!) so the leap to being a foster parent would make sense, were it to be what I want. But, it's not. And I can't change that. But it doesn't stop me from wanting so badly for children in foster care to find the loving homes they deserve.
Wanting a childfree life for myself does not mean I want children to suffer. It helps me see the world from a different viewpoint. I see thousands of children in every nation that suffer from lack of a loving home environment in which to grow into strong, happy people who can do great things. I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up feeling inadequate because their biological parents were unable to care for them (hence needing to promote more options and education on contraception!). I can't imagine what these children must feel and it breaks my heart. I was born into a two parent home and had all of my needs met so I can easily follow my dreams and make something of myself. But these children in foster care, despite any of the problems they may carry around with them, are no 'worse' than any children a couple may biologically have. There are no guarantees in life. People are inclined to have their own children because a) it happens b) they want to see what their kids would look like c) they want a fairy tale family. So do these kids.
If anyone happens to be reading this blog, anyone who actually isn't childfree, PLEASE ask yourself if you have room in your heart and in your home to reconsider fostering children. Wait, watch the videos below. THEN ask yourself.
The following video is from March 2010, but I'm sure the numbers are still as unsettling.
This next video is from Jan 2010 about a family who did adopt and foster and you can hear the journalist tearing up as he finishes the story.
You might tear up as you watch these kids talk about getting adopted when you see the smiles on their faces.....
Okay, last tearjerker video. From the same series as the one above.
SO... If you live a life in which you want to be a parent, PLEASE open your mind and your heart to the idea of fostering and/or adopting. How much different would our world be if we encouraged people to not only be more responsible for their own reproductive power but to see their own possible power when it comes to the impact on one's community?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why aren't the villagers more concerned? I'm an Auntie for life but I still do my part in the village! What are you being called to do?
Addendum: (11/11/11 at 7:45 am) To clarify, I'm not saying that I look down upon those that have their own birth children but I highly encourage those who wish to add more children to their family really consider adoption and/or fostering as options in their lives.
When you stop and consider how socially revolutionary it is to say 'I don't want kids,' it tends to follow that other societal 'norms' are easier to eschew. On a whole, I guess I've questioned a lot of things.... I don't follow religion, I don't want to buy into real estate and be tied down, I don't see the lure of marriage in my future and I've recently come to terms with not wanting a 'real' job. And at age 26, I'm learning (or at least telling myself) that this is okay. It's slightly scary but also liberating. And I'm quite glad that I've taken the time and been able to make these important choices on what is best for ME rather than cave into the pressures and go down a road (job, house, spouse and kids) that might not be right for me.
In society, across all cultural barriers, humans put pressure on their offspring and their peers to follow the most popular and accepted path but this fails to allow people to customize their lives. You can customize your car, your home, your phone, your computer, even your lawn but we aren't really encouraged to customize our life choices. Sure, you can choose a career but that is one of the identifiers humans put on ourselves. 'I'm a doctor' or 'he's a lawyer' or 'she's a human resources manager'. Many unemployed people feel worthless because they built their identity around a job that they no longer have.
Go to a bar, meet a stranger and they'll ask 'What do you do?'. This question is one of my pet peeves. I'm not at a bar to talk about work. (I'm usually at a bar to forget about work!) My work doesn't define me and frankly, explaining the 2.5 jobs I do to make ends meet will bore you AND me, so please don't ask!
I was recently thinking of creating a 'State of the Union Address' for my girlfriends so they could see where I stand on big issues right now (since we don't talk as often as we used to) but I might as well share it here. After all, for those child-minded, they may like to see the thoughts of one childfree mind. (I speak only for myself.)
Religion: I find religion to be disconcerting, not because it challenges you to hold your behavior to a higher standard but because it is run by fallible humans who claim to have divinely inspired knowledge about events or phenomena outside of our comprehension (or era) while simultaneously trying to fit humans into little boxes that restrict activities for sometimes very bizarre reasons. I do believe in a spiritual connection and power but it seems a waste of time to worry on the details.
Politics: Ugh. A dirty system meant to benefit the people in office and those that bribe them. I have little faith in the political system. It and religion are more linked than they should be.
Career: No career path and okay with that. This is one of the most recent revelations I've had. I had an opportunity at my workplace to double my money and quadruple my workload. Luckily, it took them three weeks to post that position and in that ample time, I was my usual 'pendulum' self, going back and forth on my decision-making process, polling people and picking out nice apartments I could afford without going over the 'no more than 30% of your income goes toward housing' rule. After really mulling over what I want in my life, really searching deep inside my true self, I decided that the more intense job would give me undesired stress in something I really had no interest in doing. It would also drain me of energy needed for my more important projects I do at home. These projects are what I eventually want to receive money for doing so it makes no sense to put money at the forefront if it pushes my desires to the backburner. THIS is a huge step for me. I'm able to make enough money at an unchallenging job in order to do the things I want to do and THAT is fine.
It's difficult because society tells me that I should want more money and a better job. But that is so overwhelming! And silly! Look at it this way.... if I have 80 years of life, these 80 years are full of unknown events and people that affect the course my life will take. So to sit here and say, 'By this age, I'm going to do this and this age, I'll have done this' is so very futile. I have very little control over the world and just as I don't want to waste time on religious details, I don't want to waste time plotting out supposed events in my unpredictable future.
This doesn't mean that I have no aspirations in life and that I'm just floating around. On the contrary! My life, when not working for money or sleeping, is spent pursuing many activities that give me fulfillment: volunteering, writing, making music, watching movies, dancing, spending time with family and friends, traveling, taking photos, learning languages, making art, performing, etc. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can find something to occupy the time that won't be spent raising children!) I work on these things in hopes that I am preparing myself for future opportunities that will allow me to leave my humdrum jobs and use these talents to make money. At this point in my life, I just need to make money. Besides being creative and entertaining, there isn't a certain 'career' that calls out to me. I just had to come to terms with that because that is how I am wired and that is where I am in life at this point. (No quarter-life crisis necessary. PASS!)
I don't condemn people that truly want a family or really enjoy a certain career path. My focus is on promoting choices. If you choose employment or a career, children or childfree, a planted home or an RV, a religion or reason, make sure it is something you feel deep inside your bones, your flesh, your very being. There is no one way to live, no one route to happiness.
I may not know what the next 60+(?) years of my life hold in store but I will do my best every day to be glad for each passing moment, month, and year that I'm allowed to learn and grow as a person in the adventure that only I can live! Best wishes to you on your adventure!
*Remember you either get older or you die, so quit your complaining!*
Recently, via social media, I asked a drag queen (one of my favorite entertainers) if he thought he would ever have kids and he said "probably not but you can never say never". Maybe he meant he couldn't say 'never' and that is his right. Some people may not see children as a part of their lives but could be open to it 'should the stars align'. More power to 'em on their life adventures! (And may they be prepared!)
But for those of us who have thought long and hard about the decisionto procreate/raise children, we can say 'never'. For me:
I will never be President of the USA.
I will never be a marine biologist.
I will never be a doctor.
I will never climb Mount Everest in the buff.
I will never procreate/have children.
Of course, there is ALWAYS the possibility that I may be put in a mother role, due to unforeseen circumstances that I don't want to imagine. (For me, this does not include dating a man with kids, b/c I feel so strongly about it, that if a man has kids, the dating will not even commence. We all have our standards and if you wouldn't bend your 'no drugs' rule for a drug addict that could be 'the one'.... then don't be surprised if I stick with my guns on the child thing.)
As a female at age 26 (some would say: too young to decide to be CF but not too young to be a mother?!?!), with my experiences of being a child, being a babysitter, being a camp counselor and being an aunt for the past 12 years, I think I have the right to say the word 'never' when it comes to the child decision.
Yet there is a stigma that follows this declaration. There is something about humans that when they hear the word 'never' they want to point out to that 'it's possible!!!' Sure, many things are possible. Notice that I didn't say "I will never kill another human being"? Because, technically, it is possible. Of course, I do my best to avoid it but a situation calling for the death of another person could arise, i.e. self-defense. Or someone just really pissing me off. JUST KIDDING!
But humans just want to be right and sometimes that means saying: "You never know".
1) There is no benefit to the person saying this except supposed 'bragging rights' were I to 'change my mind.' Therefore this statement is self-serving and egotistical. It will NOT make me change my mind as it is NOT persuasive and has no bearing on the reality of birthing and raising children.
2) With the amount of technology and knowledge we have, it is very possible to avoid pregnancy altogether, so I'm quite sure I 'know' I won't be having children.
3) Whatever possibilities that may occur in life, it will never change the amount of responsibility that children bring.
This last one is very important. Saying "I'm not having children" is not the same as saying "I'll never move to Texas". Someday, I may move to Texas but it is not an occurrence that comes with a lifetime of responsibility or change.
Sometimes, I think 'I could possibly be persuaded to adopt years into the future' but then I remember... in most cases, where the kids come from doesn't affect the amount of work that children bring. Adoption, though less physically demanding than birthing and diapering, (I don't like the baby years) does not prevent me from having to deal with all of the other things that I am trying to avoid by not having children in the first place. In this case, adopting would actually be selfish of mebecause I would be doing it to feel better about myself, to feel as if I'm helping children out. But I'm not helping them out if I don't actually want to have kids around me 24/7 for the next couple decades.
I counteract this 'impulse' to help other people by volunteering with special needs kids. It leaves me both exhausted (after 3 hours) yet very fulfilled. I can then tackle all of the other life goals I have for myself that factor into my decision to remain Independent of Dependents.
It's similar to a situation I faced recently at work. I could stay at my regular job that had all the perks I enjoyed or I could apply for a job that doubled my pay but would stress me out with quadruple the work-load and many job elements that I am happy to not currently have. I had to fight the impulse of 'but I feel like I should' to really identify what is best for me. And I really am all the happier for it, despite not having the extra money that I wasn't missing anyway.
So, while saying "I never want kids" sounds flippant and therefore deserving of a flippant "Never say never" response, saying 'never' is not flippant when it is actually the end result of a well-thought out decision.
And it is a very important decision that should be respected whether a person chooses something you would or not. I choose to remain Childfree/Independent of Dependents/The Fun Aunt because it is what I truly desire and I know that will give me the space/time/energy to be happy/free/me. But I also need to respect those who have chosen the Children Choice. If I'm not supposed to ask 'Are you sure?' to a woman who says she wants children, I deserve the same respect when stating my desires for my future.
So, if you could 'never' imagine your life without your children, know that I feel just as strongly about 'never' having children. Yeah? So if I say 'never', you better believe it! ;)
Peace.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that employing the concept of 'never' can have a negative connotation, implying that a person isn't open to the marvelous possibilities of life. But the list of things I'll never do are realities I'm okay with and would rather not do anyway. It's possible to employ the concept of 'never' and keep a positive and realistic view on life and what an individual desires in his or her own unique life. Capiche?
When people ask me why I don't want children I have a long list of reasons I've remained IOD: no interest in motherhood, want more of my own free time, etc. It's a very long list. I believe I am currently at over 50 reasons I am IOD. But at the top of my list is the idea of having children scares me. I'm talking nightmare-inducing, wake-up-in-a-pool-of-sweat, screaming- for-God-and-mother terrified.
And Hollywood has done its best to pick up on this fear and crank it up to 11 with a litany of movies featuring creepy and demonic children that will make you pray for sterility.
10. Children of the Corn The children of Gatlin, Nebraska are creepy little mini-humans who prove that a loving close-knit community is no match for kids with corn knives. The kids follow the mysterious "He Who Walks Behind the Rows," a disembodied being who burrows through the fields like an invisible Bugs Bunny. HWWBTR tells their leader, a boy named Isaac with a freakishly high voice and creeptastic face, to kill all the grownups in town. Yeah, the children pick up corn knives, axes, and restaurant cutlery and begin to brutally murder every adult in the county. Having rid themselves of bedtimes, chores, and all other parental punishments, they trash the town with corn cobs and murder two stranded motorists and any child who dares play with a board game. Also, ritualistic suicide upon their 19th birthdays is now tradition.
The Horrifying Point:
Kids are as susceptible to crazy religious dogma as adults, and just because you're bigger than them doesn't mean they can't make your fingers come flying off with a ham slicer.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
The children slaughter every adult inside a cafe on cue.
9. The Good Son Aw, look, it's Macauley Culkin from Home Alone! He was so cute in that movie. I think I'll go give him a hug- OH MY GOD, HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!
That was essentially the premise of this movie. Macauley Culkin, already famous for being a cute and tenacious home security system, appears to be a good wholesome child. That is until your back is turned and he started a-murdering people. By murdering people I include the following: his baby brother, his kid sister, a neighbor's dog, and oh yeah ABOUT 10 PEOPLE ON THE HIGHWAY.
The Horrifying Point:
We often think of children as being purely innocent, and for all the horrible cliches of this movie, Culkin is not only bloodthirsty but selfish to the point of killing his own mother to get his way.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
Culkin shoots the neighbor's dog for sport.
8. Village of the Damned Once upon a time, in a sleepy little hamlet, a meteor crashes and magically every woman in the town becomes pregnant. I'll let that creepy point sink in first. Every woman in the town, virgins included, become pregnant simultaneously. And they give birth simultaneously to silver-haired, violet-eyed alien babies. The alien babies become ghastly little children who are also freak-geniuses and telepathic. Their eyes start swirling and everyone does what they want. And they do just what any freaky smart, hive-mind alien children would do with this power- force the adults to off themselves when they get in their way. Eventually the only way to stop the little alienoids is to lock them in a building and blow it sky-high before they leave the village and start taking over other places.
The Horrifying Point:
While the movie was originally made in the 1960s to make a point about vulnerability to invasion by the evil communist Russians intent on taking over democracy, it also shows that while they may be your children raised in your loving care, it does not mean they are anything like you.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
When one of the creepy kids is nearly hit by a car, the fellow creepy kids surround the driver and force him to drive into a brick wall.
7. The Exorcist Latch-key kid Regan likes to play with Ouiji boards, talking to her friend from beyond. Her working single mom thinks that's just fine. She's a good kid, right? Just playing around? WRONG. Regan gets herself all possessed by a demon, which causes her to thrash around, pee on the carpet, stab herself with a crucifix, and projectile-vomit pea-soup across great distances. When her poor mother has tried everything- doctors, psychiatrists, everything a normal parent watching her child fall apart would do- she gets desperate and turns to the Catholic tradition of exorcism to make her daughter make into a normal functioning member of society. And she does get a cure, but not before throwing priests out of windows and snapping their necks first.
The Horrifying Point:
Okay, so Regan is a teenager not a child, but think about this: every parent, even the best intentioned, has no idea how to handle an out-of-control teenager.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
I won't even describe this one. Just put on the DVD and skip forward to the crucifix stabbing scene. I'm not responsible for your nightmares.
6. Lord of the Flies
Based on the novel that everyone has to read in high school, this is a creepy children movie that is completely absent of adults. Which is actually the point- when a plane crash lands a group of military school boys on a deserted island, they are left to fend for themselves nary an adult left alive after the crash. Ralph, the good kid leader, tries to create order and civilized rules for governing them. Jack is the bigger, badder kid and goes primitive, taking most of the kids with him. It quickly turns into war games between the two camps as the violence escalates. And these kids do freaky stuff. One goes mad and starts worshiping a rotting boar's head. But eventually the boys turn to murder.
The Horrifying Point:
I'd like to point out that there was nothing wrong with these kids before they crashed. Nothing. Golding intended his novel to demonstrate that once the laws governing society crumble, care and compassion crumble too. But watching the film shows that kids without adult supervision are capable of the worst cruelties.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
The wild boys kill Piggy, a chubby helpless boy, for his glasses so they can start fires.
5. The Brood
Oh Cronenberg, how you love to creep us out. And this thriller goes straight to the ovaries. A psychologist who specializes in "psychoplasmics," a completely made up study in physical manifestations of anger, is treating a man's wife for her "condition." Simultaneously, there are lots of murders and mischief committed by enraged midgets, all wearing the same red hoodies and all with the same face full of ugly. It turns out the psycho psychologist (say that five times fast) has gotten a whole new result from his patient- she pops these demented toddlers off her body like spores. And she kind of likes it.
The Horrifying Point:
I could write a whole term paper on what this movie says about femininity, childbearing, and the role of motherhood. But the point is, unlike Village of the Damned, sometimes children can become the worst manifestations of their parents.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
The wife lifts up her robe to reveal her latest, uh, spawn. Please watch with caution. You might vomit.
4. Pet Sematary
Dead things should stay dead, and that includes children. But when the Creed family moves to Maine they find a convenient loophole to that rule. The pet cemetery by their house is special. Bury dead things in it, and they come back to life. So when their little son Gage is run over by a truck, Louis Creed takes the boy to the cemetery and poof! The boy comes back! But he comes back a viciously evil little version of himself. He's the most terrifying little boy you ever hope to meet, especially once he grabs daddy's scalpel. He goes on his merry way stabbing his mommy and the neighbor before attacking daddy, who has to put him down with a shot of morphine.
The Horrifying Point:
In desperation, parents will do anything to help their children but even taking the greatest intentions and hopes means that they risk doing even greater harm to their offspring.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
Gage comes toddling home to mommy and then stabs her in the eye. So much for a mother's love.
3. The Orphanage (Spanish: El Orfanato)
Ah, I've gotten to ghost children now! This movie starts out sweetly enough. Our heroine Laura grew up in an orphanage, where she played with her other orphan friends until she was adopted and left them all behind. Now an adult, she and her husband have dedicated their lives to helping other children. They've adopted a son with HIV, and now they've bought her orphanage childhood home to take in disabled children. Sounds good and kind-hearted, right? Well dead children aren't interested in humanitarian good deeds. Ghosts begin talking to her son and turning him against his mother. The ghost children cause a little havoc and steal Simon away from his parents, and Laura is forced to accept that she failed to protect her own child. I won't give away the ending, but it is both poignant and terrifying.
The Horrifying Point:
This is a movie that really strikes at the fear deep in every parent's heart: fear of their child going missing. The responsibility and guilt that comes with caring for children can cause reckless mistakes with deadly consequences, and no amount of love in the world can bring back a dead kid.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
Watch Laura run around with a snapped ankle and broken fingers screaming for her child and try to stifle the shivers running down your spine.
2. The Omen
Some days parents are convinced that their little darling may in fact be the spawn of Satan, and in this movie it's true. Damien, dear little Damien, was given to Ambassador Thorn and his wife when their own child is a stillborn. Dear little Damien starts exhibiting some creepy behaviors as a child. His nanny hangs herself. A priest ends up speared to death. So dear little Damien needs to be disposed of, but not so fast- people die protecting dear Damien, and he survives to fulfill his anti-Christ purpose. Like you do.
The Horrifying Point:
Evil may be something we are born into, not raised to be. What's more horrifying for Mr. Thorn is that once he learns the truth about his child's origin, no one else believes that his choice as a parent (which is killing his son for the good of mankind) is the right thing to do.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
Take a look at Damien's face at the end of the movie and tell me you still think he's adorable.
1. Rosemary's Baby
This movie sums up so many deep-seated fears about pregnancy. Innocent little Rosemary from Omaha has come to NYC with her husband, who sells her to the Devil as a baby incubator. She's drugged, raped by the Devil, and wakes up with bruises and scratches unable to remember any of the encounter. And joy! She's pregnant! But her pregnancy doesn't fill her with the happiness she thought it would. She's in pain, weak, and she doesn't feel the same connection to her fetus that she thought she should. She's chided by her doctor, her husband, her neighbors as being just a silly pregnant woman. You never actually see the baby, but in the end, Rosemary accepts her little hellspawn and goes about feeding it.
The Horrifying Point:
Apart from the fact that Rosemary is drugged, raped, and forced to carry the pregnancy, this movie is about the terror underlying pregnancy and motherhood. Your body morphs and reshapes itself, doing stranger and stranger things, all while you are completely unaware of who the person you are carrying will turn out to be.
Uterus Shutting Moment:
ALL OF IT. But seriously, revisit the drugged up rape scene if you want a good nightmare tonight.
So, fellow child-free friends, this Halloween when you're asked if you can't wait to have your own brood to take trick-or-treating, show them this list and wait for the sound of reproductive systems grinding to a halt.
The interesting thing that I hear some non-Childfree/Independent of Dependent (CF/IOD) people indicate is that NOT replenishing our population is a BAD thing. With theworld population set to surpass 7 BILLION people I fail to see what is so important about upkeeping these staggering numbers. A good number of the global population does not have access to clean water, sufficient food or health care and these are people who will be procreating for not utilizing contraception.
The above article states:
"Over the next forty years, nearly all (97%) of the 2.3 billion projected
increase will be in the less developed regions, with nearly half (49%)
in Africa. By contrast, the populations of more developed countries will
remain flat, but will age, with fewer working-age adults to support
retirees living on social pensions."
The argument I have heard is related to that last fact about less working-age people in developed countries. The article also points out:
"Although the issues immediately confronting developing countries are
different from those facing the rich countries, in a globalized world
demographic challenges anywhere are demographic challenges everywhere,"
said Bloom.
So while it may be tempting to turn a blind eye to areas like Africa, you can see from the data that it will be responsible for half of the world's expected growth. In my personal factless opinion, (yes, I'm basing this off my perceived knowledge and would be interested to see solid research)... one of the reasons the African continent is affected by staggering numbers of HIV and pregnancies (and therefore orphaned children with HIV) is because of religious missionaries (Catholic? Christian?) that condemn the use of contraception. It creates a disconnect for the people in their daily lives. I do know of a friend that was working with the Peace Corps in Niger and was involved in a group instructing women about their personal health and contraception and from what I know, my friend was touched by how well-spoken these women were and how they took hold of the knowledge given to them.
That project is very much in line with Bloom's call to action in the above article:
"We have to tackle some tough issues ranging from the unmet need for
contraception among hundreds of millions of women and the huge
knowledge-action gaps we see in the area of child survival, to the
reform of retirement policy and the development of global immigration
policy. It's just plain irresponsible to sit by idly while humankind
experiences full force the perils of demographic change.""
To me, it is foolish to think that as a population we need to keep procreating in order to 'meet our needs'. There needs to be restructuring in many areas to accommodate for the population be it larger or smaller.
Sometimes I wonder if those against contraception are afraid that the film "Children of Men" from 2006 will become a reality. The film's summary: In 2027, in a chaotic world in which humans can no longer procreate, a
former activist agrees to help transport a miraculously pregnant woman
to a sanctuary at sea, where her child's birth may help scientists save
the future of humankind. Yeah, this isn't likely to happen. But the fatalists that are against the use of birth control seem to think it will.
To me, birth control is a use of technology that allows people to be more responsible in choosing if and when to bring more humans into this world. There is an example of this in Brazil.
Basically, the government subsidizes the cost of birth control in Brazil, leading women to have less children in their families as of late. This can be an important step in breaking the cycle of poverty and preventing children from living without access to basic needs. The article states: "Despite having the most Catholics in the
world, 80 percent of Brazilian women of childbearing age are using some
form of artificial contraception" This is very intriguing because the Catholic Church strongly opposes the use of contraception in any form. People are often very susceptible to the ordinances within their religion so for individuals to go against the expectations of a religious institution is very telling. My opinion is that many religions are out of touch with women's rights due to their patriarchal nature. Women are not just here to produce offspring for men but some religions seem to think so. Yes, I suppose many women do want to have children and therefore play into that part of biology but there are those of us who do not feel the biological urge and that is our prerogative. There comes a point in a person's life where they look at their religious upbringing and they look at what they want their life to be and they find an answer. Reproduction issues are not just a matter of religion but can have some political basis as well, as we see in China. China has been known for it's 'one-child policy' which limits the number of children that a couple can have. But there are a growing number of couples or individuals who do not have children in China. This is sometimes for financial reasons or in cases of individuals, for lack of partner (whether by choice or situation). Of course, all the reasons to stay Childfree in Western nations must be true as well throughout the world. At the end of June, this article detailed some reasons that a growing number of U.S. couples are staying childfree. The beginning of August showed that many NYC women are Childfree-minded as well. From the June article: "...Nearly one in five American women now ends her
reproductive years without children, up from one in ten in the
1970s." As a childfree woman, this makes me happy. NOT because I hate children and think no one should have them (not true at all) but because these articles and facts show me that not only nationally, but internationally, men and women feel more freedom to follow what they know is right for their lives. With the use of technology and resources, we have access to others like us who support and understand this lifestyle. The propensity to procreate is reaffirmed daily in movies and advertisements and personal lives and interactions with parents who evangelize on the benefits of kids. Parents have all the reinforcement they need in other parents but childfree people need reinforcement as well. Childfree people are aware of what children are like. We all have been children, we all have been around children. If you are a responsible parent, we respect your decision as long as you don't force it upon us. My wish is that having children is seen not as 'the next logical step' but as one possible result of a well-thought out decision. I know what is right for me and even if I could be a good parent, if it is not what will make me happiest, it is unkind of people to encourage me to procreate. I never encourage them to get rid of their children with the adage "You'll change your mind" that so many childfree people hear from parents. I hope that with time and discussion, people will be allowed to make a decision and let others enjoy the happy result of theirs. I also hope that more children that need parents will be adopted into loving, caring homes. I am thankful for those people that can open up their hearts and homes to children that are in need in this world. To me, that is a sign of a wonderful parent... to love a child that isn't biologically yours but to love and provide for them as though they are. Nia Vardalos, one of my favorite creative souls in the world, along with her husband, Ian Gomez, adopted a little girl, and is a proponent and a spokeswoman for an organization: Help Us Adopt. Adoption to me is a better option than fertility treatments because instead of spending gobs of money and years on fertility treatments, you could find a blessing in a child that needs you immediately. Humans are the only creatures that go through such lengths to extend our genetic makeup, yet we see videos and news all the time of animals that suckle and care for young that are outside of their species. I have chosen a childfree lifestyle because that is what works for me but I heartily applaud with all my heart and soul the wonderful people who can look past their DNA and/or the desire to birth their own baby and make love for adopted children a part of their lives. Peace.
